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31May

“You can’t have that one thing that you want, but you can have lots and lots of love”

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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love

Is your child fussing up a storm right now because you told her that she can’t have the one thing that she wants?  That sounds about right.

And as parents, we need to set limits so we keep telling her no.

And that just makes her fuss more so we want to give in so that the fussing can end.  But here’s what you can say,

You can’t have that one thing that you want, but you can have lots and lots of love.

Tonight was tough because everyone was tired and when papa came to give good night kisses, one of my boys refused.  So we said, that’s ok if you don’t want a kiss and a hug, now it’s time to go to bed.

Ten minutes later, when I was laying with the boys, a quiet voice said, “I want a kiss and hug from papa.”  Who in their right mind would refuse that?  Oh man, how sweet.  So there I was, smack in the middle of every parent’s dilemma.  Do I just give in and let him have this that will help him fall asleep? Or do I hold my ground?

I said,

You can’t have a kiss and hug from papa now, but you can have lots and lots of love from me.

Trust me, this wasn’t the first time that this has happened.

My boys are typical toddlers and they fuss about what they want, then they change their mind and then they fuss some more.  And as parents, we need to set limits but we also want to parent in a positive way.   So as soon as we tell them that they can’t have what they want, they start to fuss.  They start to yell, cry, kick, scream and throw themselves on the ground.  We want to follow through and not let them get whatever they ask for, but we also don’t want to yell, kick and scream back at them.

So we hold our ground, follow through, and still give them all the love that they need.

Follow Through

Let’s say that your child wants the green shirt.  So you give him the green shirt.  Then two seconds later, he spills juice on the green shirt.  This is a recipe for disaster.

I probably don’t have to go into describing the following scene which then gives you three choices:

  1. You can clean the juice off the shirt, run it through the dryer, and move on with your day
  2. You can take the shirt, prepare for the tantrum storm, deal with the tantrum in whatever way you can for that day or
  3. You can take the shirt and give a big hug with lots of kisses and snuggles (which probably won’t be taken) and say:

You can’t have that shirt, but you can have lots of love and hugs from mama.

I’ve been talking a lot lately about positive parenting and time outs and this is where we set limits and clear and consistent boundaries in a positive way.

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28Jan

Two things you should never do during a tantrum (and what to do instead…)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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tantrum1

I talk a lot about tantrums, mostly because they are the center of toddler-hood, but also because they cause a lot of unwanted stress.

So here are two things to never do during a tantrum:

1) Give in.

2) Get mad.

Most likely in your journey as a parent, you are going to do both, but you should do differently starting tomorrow and here is why:

1) Don’t give in.  You child is looking to see where the wall is.  Where the limit is.  As soon as you give in, he has to keep looking.   This is very hard on children and very hard on parents.

For example, your toddler wants the crusts off his sandwich.  In the midst of cutting off the crusts, you cut the sandwich in half which is what he usually likes.  You give him the sandwich.

Toddler: “NOOO!!” Tears start streaming, face turns red.  “Put the sandwich back together!!!!”

You (not giving in): “I’m sorry, I thought that was how you liked it.”

Toddler (potentially throwing the sandwich, hopefully not): “NOOooo!! Put it back together!!”

At this point, you could give in and make him another sandwich.  It would diffuse this situation, but it would only create future situations where your child has to learn what the limit it.  DO NOT GIVE IN. Do not make another sandwich.   Your child can either eat the sandwich you made or not eat the lunch.  

I realize that you want to make another sandwich.  You don’t want the tantrum and the new sandwich will calm everything down.  But if you do give in, then your child has to test the limits again later and will have to see if it is OK to tantrum about something else. 

Don’t give in!

You (still not giving in): “So sorry, but sandwiches don’t go back together.  Do you want to eat or are you all done?”

2) Don’t get mad.  Again, your child is looking to you to see what is ok and what is not ok.  Is it ok to start screaming about sandwiches?  If you start screaming too, then the answer is “Yes.”  If you remain calm then the answer is “No.”

Toddler: “NOOO!!” Tears start streaming, face turns red.  “Put the sandwich back together!!!!”

You (remaining calm): “So sorry about the sandwich, do you want to eat it or are you all done?”

You are going to want to say, “What?!? Are you effing ridiculous? You always want me to cut it up and now you want me to put it back together?!?!?”

Toddler: “No no no no no. put it back. put it back. put it back. put it back.  put it back TOGETHERRRRRRRR!” 

You (remaining calm):  “Are you all done then?”  

You are going to want to say, “If I hear one more word out of you, you are going straight to time out!!”

But if you escalate the situation, two things happen, 1) your child doesn’t learn any skills to calm down and 2) that he can get a lot of attention out of one sandwich and that if he escalates more, then you will as well.  Empathy and calmness will shut the tantrum down (not immediately, but much more quickly).

What to do instead?

Just shut down the whole tantrum by saying “I’m sorry, but no”.

So, instead of giving in, hold strong and say, “I’m sorry, but no”.

And instead of getting mad, say, “I’m sorry, but no”.

I’m sorry, but no.

 

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19Sep

Next time you hear “I can’t” respond with this:

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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I-2Bcan-t

“I know, it’s really hard.”

That’s it.  That’s all you have to say.

We hear “I can’t” a million times a day and often during meltdowns or tantrums and it’s really quite simple.  Just respond with, “yes, it is hard.”

They may not actually be able to do what they are saying they can’t do and then you can ask them if they want help.  Or you can just stand back and watch.

If they do achieve what they previously couldn’t, then they look up at you like, “Oh my gosh!  Look what I just did and it was really hard!!”  

If they don’t, then you can just commiserate and say, “There are some really hard things that I can’t do either.”

So next time you hear your kids say, “I can’t!!” then refrain from saying, “yes, you can” and just say, “I know, it’s really hard.”

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4Sep

The whole “I-don’t-like-it-that-way” toddler thing- it’s a ruse.

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior
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ruse

When children enter the toddler stage, they gain independence.  This is hard for parents.  This is hard for toddlers.  

They don’t know what independence is, so they have to experiment.

“Do you want the bear or truck pajamas?’
“I want the monkey pajamas.”
“The monkey pajamas are dirty.   Do you want the bear or truck pajamas?”
“I WANT THE MONKEY PAJAMAS!”

(Here’s how I know it is a ruse..)

“Ok, no problem, you don’t have to wear pajamas”

About 10 minutes later after a 5 minute tantrum with everyone ignoring, “I want the bear pajamas.”


“Do you want peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese?”
“Peanut butter and jelly”

I hand him the sandwich.

“I DON’T WANT any peanut butter on my SANDWICH!!”
“Ok, no problem, you don’t have to eat.”

Two minutes later, “I don’t want the sandwich TOGETHER!  I WANT IT apart!”
“Well, here’s your sandwich, you can eat it or not.”

Another 2 minutes later, “I DON’T WANT THIS PART of the sandwich, it has a HOLE in it!”
“You don’t have to eat that part.”

(Here’s how I know it is a ruse…)

Ten minutes later, the sandwich is gone.

This type of ruse goes on day in and day out as it should.  Children are exploring what it means to have an opinion, and opinions are great!  We love them!  But they also can’t control everything.  I love to hear about what my children like and want but they don’t always get what they want.

The most important part of this back and forth is to remain calm and not give in during these tests.  They want to know if they can ask or demand anything.  If you want to eat inside, they will want to eat outside.  It is also a way for children to learn how families work and how people negotiate.  It is totally fine when your toddler is saying “I-don’t-like-it-that-way” to give them the option of doing it “that-way” next time (and since it is a ruse, they will actually want the opposite next time!!) but that the decision has already been made this time.  It is important to stay calm and stay strong!



This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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12Aug

Neither of my children ate dinner tonight and it was a really pleasant evening (that could have gone terribly wrong)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Healthy Eating Positive Parenting
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dinner

My boys are three.   It can be a tough age and it can be a wonderful age.

Tonight for dinner, I made zucchini pancakes which is essentially zucchini latkes (zucchini, onions, eggs, and carrots fried in oil).  YUM!  My boys didn’t want any. 

I said, “Okey, dokey.  You don’t have to eat.”

At one point during dinner, they tried to get my attention and my husband’s attention and we said, “We are eating now, we can look at it when we are all done eating.”

They were so stumped, that they played quietly the whole rest of the meal.

There was no yelling from us.  There was no cajoling or negotiating from anyone.

There was no fussing from the boys.

It was really pleasant!

We took a bath after dinner (or our dinner since they didn’t eat).

We brushed teeth and read stories.  At one point, one of the boys realized that he really wasn’t going to get dinner and he cried for a minute.  But I kept repeating, “Of course you can have dinner tomorrow night at dinner time!  I would love for you to eat with us!” (You may hear sarcasm in my voice as you read it, but when I was telling it to my son, I had true empathy in my voice).

Then they went to sleep and they will eat well tomorrow.  It was a really pleasant evening.

One of parent’s biggest fears is if their kids are getting enough food and it starts when they are infants when it is a legitimate fear.   Little itty-bitties do need to get enough sustenance, but as children get older, it isn’t as important that they eat every single meal.

It’s ok if they don’t eat dinner.

Check with your pediatrician to make sure that you are on the same page, and if she gives you the go ahead, tell your child, “you don’t have to eat.”


This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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14Jul

All children are picky eaters at some point in their life!

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Healthy Eating Positive Parenting
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picky-eater

The thing I love most about working with parents, families and children is discipline, but nutrition comes in a very close second.

I was a super picky eater.  Super picky.  I ate potatoes, pizza, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cereal growing up. 

I have two boys.  They shared the same food in my uterus (at least that is how I imagine it) and they shared the same flavors and substances while breast feeding.  So I was surprised when at 6 months, one of them ate everything in sight and then other one bunched his face up in disgust and spit most food out.  

But here’s the thing- they are older now they have both gone through phases of not eating anything and phases of trying tons of new food,  I have to add that they aren’t very open to much when we are out and about because they really don’t know what they are getting in to, but at home, they will take at least one bite of everything and they both love a huge variety of foods including kale, elk steak, salmon, red peppers, spinach, quinoa, spicy foods, etc etc.

So if your child is picky right now, that does not mean that they will always be a picky eater.  ALL children are picky eaters at some point in their life!

Here are three things that you can do today to help your child stop being picky:

1) Don’t refer to them as picky eaters.  

They are not.  

They are either going through a phase where either they aren’t that hungry (It happens. Kids can go days without eating much.  Just check with your pediatrician if you are worried.  I do.  All the time.)  

Or they are going through a phase of being distrustful of food.  This is a biological reaction to keep us from putting things in our mouths that can kill us.  Children are wired to be distrustful of food once they are more mobile and independent.  This is to keep our species alive so that little one doesn’t put a poisonous plant (á la Into the Wild) in their mouths while mama is starting a fire to cook the meat that papa brought home from the hunt.  So don’t think that you are a bad parent when your child refuses food.  That is actually their job.  So just keep offering and eventually they will eat it!



2) Be relaxed about food and eating.  

They don’t have to eat if they don’t want to.  We try and force our kids to eat because we remember the days when they were infants and they needed a certain amount of food in order to sleep.  

Toddlers are not like that.  If your pediatrician says that there isn’t any reason to force food, then don’t.   Offer three meals per day and one or two healthy snacks in between meals and then forget about it.   Don’t offer food while they are distracted.  Don’t have them carry around food hoping that they will eat.  Don’t keep offering different things hoping that one of them will stick.  Don’t give them something right before they go to bed if they don’t eat dinner. Don’t worry about how much they eat.  Children will regulate their nutrition without any adult interaction, if we just offer three healthy meals and one or two snacks per day and that is it.  

3) Keep trying the same thing over and over and over…

Your kids are not going to like something new the first time you serve it.  And maybe not the second or third time either.  But if they keep seeing the same food over and over, then eventually it will grow on them.  Don’t give up because they don’t like something the first time.  It takes kids up to 20 times of being exposed to foods before they will begin to accept it.  

You are not alone- all kids go through picky stages and so stay positive and relaxed about food and your child will get through it as well.



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5Dec

A little “toddler trick” (even though I don’t like tricks…)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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tantrums

I have news for you: toddlers tantrum.

This is what they do.  I have spoken about how to deal with tantrums before and I will talk about it again because it is a tough situation for parents with little ones.

Children who are approximately 18 months to 4 years old are starting to develop independence.  They don’t know exactly how to express it, so it usually comes out as a tantrum, whining or just as unpleasant behavior.   Parents don’t want to hear it and don’t know what to do.

So here some more ideas:  give them more opportunities to be independent and to express themselves and they will need to lash out less.

Give them jobs: feed the cat, put the shoes away, wipe up the spilled water, put on their clothes.  Young children love to help out and “do it themselves” so give them that opportunity.  I can hear a lot of parents saying, my child would never do any of those things!  That’s ok too, find something special that they would like to do (help dad with the measuring tape, help mom crack the eggs for the pancakes).  When your child feels like they are purposeful and they are competent (they CAN do it!) then they will tantrum less.

But here’s the thing, they will still tantrum.  Children (and adults…) get fussy when they are hungry or tired.  I find that I am often out of the house right before lunchtime or right before nap and I dread trying to get them to leave their friends’ house, gymnastics or the park when they are tired or hungry.  So here’s my trick:  (I’m not a fan of tricking children, so you can decide for yourself how comfortable you are with this idea, I find that this trick builds thinking skills but some may disagree…)

When your children don’t want to leave, ask them if they want to come back sometime.  When all they can say is “NOOOO!” then respond, “Ok, we don’t have to come back if you don’t want to.”  

So let me play it out for you:

When it is almost time to leave, give your children a warning, “We are going home in 5 minutes!”  Then when it is time to go say, “All right, time to go home now.”

“NOOOO!!!”

So this is when you ask them, “Did you have fun?”

“NOOOOO!!!”

“Would you like to come back sometime?”

“NOOOO!!!!!”

“Ok, if you don’t want to come back, that’s ok too.”

“NOOOO!!” (I can start to hear them think it through a little more…)

“Would you like to come back sometime?”

“Hmmmm…. yes!”

And instead of thinking about how horrible it is to leave, they start thinking about how they can come back.  This trick works especially well if you have kept your word (which is why I don’t like tricking kids) and you have built up trust.  They know that you will bring them back in the future and the tantrum subsides.

Of course this doesn’t work every time but children often have a knee-jerk negative response and when they begin to realize that they way need to think through their answers, then they may become a little more aware.  

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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5Oct

Disappointment and the Power of a Toddler…

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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disappointment

From Wikipedia:

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest.

This definition describes every couple of minutes in a toddler’s life.  They don’t get what they want and they don’t like that.

But it is also a great teaching tool because as adults, we are well aware of disappointment too.   Unfortunately, it is a difficult concept to teach because toddlers are so young and they don’t quite get the concept.

So they cry.

And often we give in because we want to spare them the disappointment.  It can be as simple as they want their grilled cheese cut up.  You cut it up and “NOO!  I wanted it cut up this WAY!”  or “NOO! I wanted to cut it myself!!”  and honestly, you don’t care how it’s cut up so you take their grilled cheese and give them yours to try again.   They are happy and no more fussing.

But they didn’t get the opportunity to learn about disappointment in a very non-threatening way.  Instead of giving in, you can offer empathy.  You can say, “I’m sorry that it didn’t get cut how you wanted it.”  And then you can offer choices, “You don’t have to eat it that way if you don’t want to.”   They may even negotiate and try and take your sandwich but unfortunately, that’s not one of the options.  

It is healthy for a child to experience and learn about disappointment.   It is key part of development.

It is part of the balance of control between the parent and the child.  When the child has all of the control, they may not get disappointed, but they won’t benefit from having all the power. 

When a parent sets a limit, the child will undoubtedly be disappointed, but that is OK.  You can empathize and help the child learn about emotions as part of the process.  

Allow your child the opportunity to be disappointed today!

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1Oct

Allowing our children to take risks (as scary as that may seem)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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hiking snow

Once our babies are born, we don’t dare to think of all the things that could happen to them.  We have dreams and nightmares at night of these fears of them getting hurt.  We try to protect them any way we can.

But that in itself, harms the child.

Humans need to push themselves, we need to take risks.

For a couple of years, I worked at a school in rural Costa Rica where 90% of the children were local Ticos and the other 10% were from other parts of the world.   In those two years, there were five accidents (broken bones, nothing too serious) and four of those accidents were from foreign children.

Why is it that 10% of the population had 80% of the accidents?  The answer is that the local children had been taking risks since they were very young.  The children there are allowed to play in the forest, climb trees, dig huge holes, play with big sticks, etc, while children here are gently reminded that they can’t do that because it isn’t safe.

But as children grow, the risks get bigger, and they often don’t know how to manage them, because they have never been given the chance.

Another important aspect to risk taking is allowing the child to find their limit.  This means that the child is more than welcome to climb something if they can do it all by themselves.  That also means that they can get out of the situation by themselves as well.  My boys will climb up on a rock and then ask me to help them down and my response is usually, “If you can get up, you can get down.”  It takes them a little bit to figure out how to extract themselves from the pickle they got themselves into, but they do it, and feel great afterwards.

Since they are young, I am there spotting them, but since there are two of them, I’m not always able to be within inches of them.  Because of this, they have learned that I won’t always be able to catch them.  They have actually learned to fall somewhat gracefully.

Studies have shown that children who take physical risks are more likely to take cognitive (academic) risks as well.  So this little change of allowing your children to take risks will have long term positive outcomes. 

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