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1Oct

Allowing our children to take risks (as scary as that may seem)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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hiking snow

Once our babies are born, we don’t dare to think of all the things that could happen to them.  We have dreams and nightmares at night of these fears of them getting hurt.  We try to protect them any way we can.

But that in itself, harms the child.

Humans need to push themselves, we need to take risks.

For a couple of years, I worked at a school in rural Costa Rica where 90% of the children were local Ticos and the other 10% were from other parts of the world.   In those two years, there were five accidents (broken bones, nothing too serious) and four of those accidents were from foreign children.

Why is it that 10% of the population had 80% of the accidents?  The answer is that the local children had been taking risks since they were very young.  The children there are allowed to play in the forest, climb trees, dig huge holes, play with big sticks, etc, while children here are gently reminded that they can’t do that because it isn’t safe.

But as children grow, the risks get bigger, and they often don’t know how to manage them, because they have never been given the chance.

Another important aspect to risk taking is allowing the child to find their limit.  This means that the child is more than welcome to climb something if they can do it all by themselves.  That also means that they can get out of the situation by themselves as well.  My boys will climb up on a rock and then ask me to help them down and my response is usually, “If you can get up, you can get down.”  It takes them a little bit to figure out how to extract themselves from the pickle they got themselves into, but they do it, and feel great afterwards.

Since they are young, I am there spotting them, but since there are two of them, I’m not always able to be within inches of them.  Because of this, they have learned that I won’t always be able to catch them.  They have actually learned to fall somewhat gracefully.

Studies have shown that children who take physical risks are more likely to take cognitive (academic) risks as well.  So this little change of allowing your children to take risks will have long term positive outcomes. 

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4Aug

How to offer choices as a tool for discipline

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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boulder Hiking

Your child is at the precipice of a tantrum and you have a great tool at your disposal: give them a choice.

Many parents are aware of the benefits of offering your child choices, but not everyone is sure how to do it, or has all of the tools to have it go smoothly.  

A young child is learning independence and they need to have a say in their life.  So your job is to offer a choice.  But there is a very wrong way to offer a choice:

“Do you want to clean up your mess?”  “NOOOO!”

Or a better way to offer a choice:

“Would you like to use a rag or a dustbuster to clean up your mess?”

“No you!!”

“Rag or dustbuster?”

“susduster”

How to Offer Choices

The basics of offering choices is that you offer two options within what the child is allowed to do. 

So, for instance, if a child wants to play next to a dangerous river (where they are not allowed) you can offer the choice to climb on the rocks, or to dig for worms.  This will give the child a sense of independence and responsibility while taking away the need for a power struggle.


This technique works especially well with situations that often are difficult.  If it is time to leave the house, and your child is dawdling, you can ask them if they want to wear their shoes or their boots (instead of yelling, “Hurry Up! Let’s Go!”). 

If it is time to go to bed, you can ask them if they want Mom or Dad to read a story.  Or you can ask them which stuffed animal they want to take to bed with them.


It isn’t the choice of whether or not they get to leave the house or whether or not they get to go to bed, it is how all that is done.  


Once a child starts to learn to make decisions for themselves, there will be fewer power struggles.  A person (or child) who has a sense of control over their lives will feel more secure and have better self-esteem.  

 

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2Aug

Picky Eaters and How to End the Mealtime Battles

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Healthy Eating Positive Parenting
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baby eating

Picky eaters are synonymous with toddlers.  Thats what kids do- they give their parents grief at meal times.  But there is science behind that and parents can use the science to their advantage.

Here are five things you can do with your children to keep them from becoming picky- or to cure them of their picky-ness:

1) (And this is the MOST important- every parent needs to know this!) A person needs to try a strong flavored food 10-20 times before liking it.

2) Give them a variety of foods from a very young age (or start now if they are older).

3) Have mealtimes together as a family.  If you are a busy family (like most families) then do it as often as you can.  Once per day, once a week or even once a month.

4) Don’t worry about whether a child eats or not (unless there is something medical which requires a certain diet). 

5) Give options during the meal, but once the meal is served, there aren’t other options.

 

Here are the ideas behind each suggestion.

1) (And this is the MOST important- every parent needs to know this!) A person needs to try a strong flavored food 10-20 times before liking it.

You can offer your child broccoli nine times and they will stick their tongue out but the TENTH time- they might like it.  This is where the “just take a small bite” comes into play.  If they don’t like it, then don’t force it, just offer it again a month later.

This idea really hit home for me as an adult because growing up I was the pickiest eater.  I hated red peppers more than anything.  I could tell if a food had red peppers even near it and I threw huge tantrums if a food had red peppers removed from it and then served to me because I could smell the red peppers that were previously there.

Then as an adult, I began serving red peppers to my students as a vegetable tasting lesson.  I only did it because I wanted all the colors and tomatoes were messy.  After doing this lesson for three years, I took one small bite of a red pepper, and my taste buds said, “Wholey moley!  YUM!”  They have since become one of my favorite vegetables.

As an extra experiment, choose a food that you absolutely hate and try it once a month and see if it comes around (you can also serve it to your kids and see who comes around faster…).

2) Give them a variety of foods from a very young age (or start now if they are older).

Young children will put anything in their mouths.  From the age of around 6 months (when they can bring things up to their mouths) to around one year old (and often longer), children will put anything in their hands into their mouths.  This is so they can learn about their world.  They can see what things taste like and feel like.

You can use this time to your advantage.  You can give them strong flavored foods and they will put it in their mouth and either eat it, or spit it out.  But they are building their flavor repertoire which will help with picky-ness.

Even as they get older and maybe don’t even want a particular food on their plate, just having it at the table will make it become more familiar and they will be more likely to like it later.


3) Have mealtimes together as a family.  If you are a busy family (like most families) then do it as often as you can.  Once per day, once a week or even once a month.

Not only does this help with food issues, it also helps them socially and emotionally.  But back to food, a young child will want to do whatever their parents are doing, so if you are eating some steak or a spinach salad, they will want to eat it as well.  They will know that the food they are served is good enough for the rest of the family and they are more likely to eat it.  It is also so much easier for the parents to make ONE meal and serve it to everyone.  There are no other options.

Which brings me to the next two points:

4) Don’t worry about whether a child eats or not (unless there is something medical which requires a certain diet). 

If your child is relatively healthy, it is more than OK to skip a meal or a couple of meals.  Children who are teething, have a cold, or a just a normal child may not feel like eating 3-4 times per day.  It is totally acceptable to go a day (or two) of only having a bite at each meal.

We have trained ourselves as adults to think that a child needs to eat.  If we aren’t hungry, we won’t eat most things, but a body (or our tastebuds) rarely turn down something sweet or fatty.  So even if we aren’t hungry, we can always find room for a grilled cheese, a cookie, cinnamon toast, etc.  If your child is hungry, your child will eat.  If your child isn’t hungry, don’t force them to eat.  They will be ok.  If you want to double check with your pediatrician, I highly recommend that because it is always good to be on the same page.

5) Give options during the meal, but once the meal is served, there aren’t other options.

This goes back to number four.  This is the downfall of healthy eating.  You make one meal (with at least one item that you know the children will enjoy) and then you serve it.  If they want to eat, awesome.  If they don’t want to eat, just as well.

There will always be breakfast in the morning.

 
This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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26Jun

Simplify your life: teach problem solving skills!

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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Problem solving

Bed time not working? Problem solve!  Leaving the house takes forever?  Problem solve!  Kids want the same toy? Problem solve!  You don’t have enough snack? Problem solve!

Problem solving is an essential skill for life so how young can a child learn this skill and how in the world do we teach it?  

Amazingly enough, researchers say that children as young as 18 months can learn how to solve problems.  Imagine what this would do for you; fewer fights with siblings and parents, more independence, higher self-esteem, more self-reliance, and the list goes on and on not to mention higher thinking skills for school.

So we know all the benefits of having problem solving skills, but how do we teach it? 

First and foremost, it takes patience.  If you solve the problem then it is much much quicker, but if you step back and just ask questions, it may take a lot longer, but the child builds the skills for solving their own problems.

For children who are very young (under two) you can start teaching it by looking for something that is lost.  “Where is it?” can be heard over and over again in houses with very young children. It would take just seconds for you to find their missing shoe, favorite toy or family pet, but it wouldn’t teach any skills.  If you have the patience to take ten minutes to find that shoe (I promise you, the people who are waiting for you won’t care, and if they do, tell them you were teaching your child problem solving skills).  

As the child gets older, bigger problems will arise such as taking turns with toys, not getting their way, boredom, disagreements with friends and the list goes on…

Problem solving skills are also essential for dealing with problems that are affecting the whole family such as bedtime or getting out of the house in the morning.

The steps for solving problems are as follows:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. What are some solutions?
  3. What solution did we choose?
  4. Did that solution work?

Let’s start with what is the problem?

The first step in problem solving is always naming the problem.  Once children can name the problem, they stop worrying about blame or past grievances and can move towards solving what is wrong.

When there is a conflict, our first reaction is to jump in and start yelling.  But if we stop and either say, “uh oh” (for younger kiddos)  or “What is the problem?” (for older kiddos)  Then we are asking our children to start thinking about what is happening.

I’m gonna go out on limb here and say that with children under the age of five, 99.97% of problems are around both children wanting the same thing.  So that makes this part easy.  You say, “Uh oh, you both want the red car” or “What is the problem?” and if they aren’t sure, “Did both of you want the swing with the blue seat?” 

Once the problem is named, what are some solutions?

Chances are, the children are too young or don’t have exposure to problem solving skills so for a good while, you will have to narrate and give them the language to problem solve. 

So you can start with, “I have an idea (or I have a solution); we can put the red car away so that nobody will fuss over it” (I always give the worst solution first so that children don’t automatically jump on it and then they have to think.  It shows them that there is always more than one idea and often it is the one that we go with if we can’t find agreement.)

Then you can ask for other ideas and again if they are younger or not sure, offer ideas. “Or we can let child A have the car for a couple of minutes and then child B can have the car.”  When child B fusses, switch the order.  Now we have gone through three possible solutions and still no one is happy.  This is where it gets fun.  This is where you can get really creative and eventually teach your children to do the same.  Say, “OK, here’s another idea, we could paint another car red and then you both have red cars.  Or we could make another red car out of paper and then we would have two. OR (and it’s fun to see how crazy you can get) we could saw the red car in half and you can each have half!” (make sure it is something you can really do (or at least try) in case they choose that option.)

Then you have to pick one solution.  If there is no agreement, then the parent can choose one, and the parent usually chooses the least desirable option.

Then implement and later you can ask the children, did that solution work?

Since each problem is different, each solution will be different as well and this is where you and your child can get very creative.  Again, it takes so much longer to have a child solve a problem and usually the solution is not one that you would choose, but it is one of the most important skills they can learn.

You can then use these steps to solve any problem that comes up in your family. 

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4Jun

How to deal with the dreaded temper tantrums

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Boulder parent consulting

Temper tantrums can be a parent’s nightmare as well as an essential learning opportunity for toddlers.

Erik Erikson wrote about the different developmental stages that we go through in life.  He said that for children 1 1/2 to 3 years of age, they are in the “Autonomy versus Shame or Doubt” stage.

So, each child is learning about autonomy or “I can do it myself” or “I am an individual” during this stage.  Unfortunately, with that autonomy also comes a lack of communication.  Few two years olds can discuss exactly what they want to do with a situation.

So the caregiver has two things that they need to do with young children to help with temper tantrums;

1) Interpret what the child is trying to accomplish and

2) Give the child some autonomy through choices.

If neither of those things happen, the child falls into the other part of the stage that Erikson set forth which is shame or doubt.  The child is trying to assert themselves as a capable individual, and if they fail, not only do they feel frustration, but there are residual effects of “I’m not good enough” and “I can’t do it”.

This is why temper tantrums are so important.  Helping children at this stage can literally help children through the rest of the childhood stage, into teenager stage and  then long into adulthood.

Let’s look at the first concept:

1) Interpret what the child is trying to accomplish

With toddlers at this age, communication doesn’t come easily.  Pair that with their desire to do everything themselves and you have a recipe for disaster  temper tantrums.  So you can ask them what they are trying to do, and see if you can get any response that is interpretable, or you can use some clues to try and figure it out for yourself.  Is your child trying to pack up their favorite toy to bring it with them and they can’t unzip a zipper?  Is your child trying to wash their hands by themselves and they are trying to get closer to the sink?   When your young toddler is doing something very strange (that you may not want them to do) first try to interpret what the child is trying to accomplish.

2) Give the child some autonomy through choices

Children at this age can do so so much.  But they can’t do everything.  That’s where the importance of choices comes into play.

For example, it is time to leave to go (to the doctor, to childcare, to grandma’s house) and your child starts to get fussy.  They will be more willing participants if they are actual participants.  If you tell them what they are going to do, they lose their sense of autonomy that is so important to them at this age.  So you can start by giving them a choice where everyone wins.  Tell them that it’s time to go and then:

*”Do you want to wear your red shoes or your black shoes?”

*”Do you want to put on your jacket by yourself or do you want me to help you?”

*”Do you want to bring your book with your or your teddy bear?”

With all of these choices, the child is able to become an individual, they are able to have control over a part of their life.  But none of these choices is “Do you want to go or stay home?” because that is when parents lose control and temper tantrums can surface again.

Unfortunately, so many temper tantrums happen in public.  Children have an innate sense of the power they hold.  But the good thing is that, once children get some control over their lives, they will have less of a need to fight for it.  But when you do experience the public temper tantrum, the best thing is to leave the space.  Everyone will be able to problem solve more easily when there isn’t an audience.

Then once you are away from the public eye (usually outside) you can go back to square one; decipher what the child is trying to accomplish and then help the child to find a solution.

Keeping these two points in mind (interpret what they are trying to accomplish, and giving them choices) will help your toddler with the dreaded temper tantrums.

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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