Menu

2May

It’s not that you lost your s#%t, it is about how you can calm down

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
No comments
lost

Perhaps some people will disagree with me since learning to live a more mindful life is to not lose your stuff all the time (which is partially true), but if you have young children, I don’t know how you can get through a day without either you or them losing their s*$t.

So in my life, it isn’t about whether you lose you s#%t, it is about how you can calm down afterwards.

Part of our job as parents is to teach children how to control their emotions.  Toddlers can lose their stuff over just about anything.  We often think that we have failed when our children lose their s#*$&, but we haven’t; it is totally normal.  Our job isn’t to keep them from going off the deep end, it is teaching them how to come back.

As parents. we too, are often pushed to the emotional edge with our toddlers and we need to practice working on our own emotions.   Lots of parents practice “not-yelling” at their children and although I succeed at not-yelling the majority of the time, there are times when I lose it and I yell.  Loud.

That’s OK.  Just like it is OK for your little one to go off.

This is a great teaching moment for everyone.  Once you lose it, how do you calm down?

Do you:

  • Leave the room?
  • Take some deep breaths?
  • Ask for a hug?
  • Go outside for a minute?
  • Go for a walk?

These are all acceptable ways to deal with losing your s#$t and it is perfectly acceptable to talk about it with your children.  In fact, it is encouraged that you process what happened to you with your children so that they can learn how to deal with their s%$t.

This is how children learn to calm down, by watching their parents lose their s#$t and then calming down themselves and talking about it afterwards.

“I was pretty upset this morning wasn’t I?” (This is you talking to your toddler not the other way around, although wouldn’t that be pretty awesome?!?)

“I felt overwhelmed by all the things that needed to happen in a pretty short amount of time and I got upset and I yelled.”

“But then, once we were all in the car, I took some deep breaths and I was able to calm down.”

This is part of the problem solving process, identifying the problem (I lost it) and then finding solutions (taking some time, breathing deeply, getting a hug).  This is also part of the process of self-care.  Acknowledging that it is OK to lose it and then taking steps to bring your emotions back into balance.

We can’t expect our children to not get upset and we can’t expect ourselves to never get upset.  So when it does happen, it is really important that we have the tools to be able to calm down and that we can pass those tools on to our children.

Tags:
7Mar

“I just need a hug” works for both kids and adults

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
No comments
Brotherly love 1

Sometimes in life, we are just feeling a bit off.  Often we know why- a bad day at work, car broke down, didn’t sleep well the night before; and sometimes we have no idea why we aren’t feeling that great.  Sometimes it is just a “wrong-side-of-the-bed type of day.”

This happens for kids and for adults and it is important to remember that sometimes we just need a hug.

This past week I was feeling sick and I was very grumpy.  It meant a lot of fussiness in the house from me and by example from my kids.  So I was reminding myself daily to sometimes stop the grumpiness by hugging.  No one was doing anything they shouldn’t, it was just a whiny week.

My husband was also there to just give me a hug.  He made me tea at night and we got through the grumpy week all in one piece.  Then he got sick this week and I forgot where I put my patience.

I realized this morning when everyone in the house was grumpy again that sometimes we just need a hug.  There wasn’t anything specific causing the gripes (other than maybe the full moon) and so it felt like the grumpiness was unfounded and shouldn’t be there.  But it was. And all we needed was a hug.

Patience and love for our kids and patience and love for the adults in our lives.  Sometimes we just need a hug.

 

Tags:
28Jan

Two things you should never do during a tantrum (and what to do instead…)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
No comments
tantrum1

I talk a lot about tantrums, mostly because they are the center of toddler-hood, but also because they cause a lot of unwanted stress.

So here are two things to never do during a tantrum:

1) Give in.

2) Get mad.

Most likely in your journey as a parent, you are going to do both, but you should do differently starting tomorrow and here is why:

1) Don’t give in.  You child is looking to see where the wall is.  Where the limit is.  As soon as you give in, he has to keep looking.   This is very hard on children and very hard on parents.

For example, your toddler wants the crusts off his sandwich.  In the midst of cutting off the crusts, you cut the sandwich in half which is what he usually likes.  You give him the sandwich.

Toddler: “NOOO!!” Tears start streaming, face turns red.  “Put the sandwich back together!!!!”

You (not giving in): “I’m sorry, I thought that was how you liked it.”

Toddler (potentially throwing the sandwich, hopefully not): “NOOooo!! Put it back together!!”

At this point, you could give in and make him another sandwich.  It would diffuse this situation, but it would only create future situations where your child has to learn what the limit it.  DO NOT GIVE IN. Do not make another sandwich.   Your child can either eat the sandwich you made or not eat the lunch.  

I realize that you want to make another sandwich.  You don’t want the tantrum and the new sandwich will calm everything down.  But if you do give in, then your child has to test the limits again later and will have to see if it is OK to tantrum about something else. 

Don’t give in!

You (still not giving in): “So sorry, but sandwiches don’t go back together.  Do you want to eat or are you all done?”

2) Don’t get mad.  Again, your child is looking to you to see what is ok and what is not ok.  Is it ok to start screaming about sandwiches?  If you start screaming too, then the answer is “Yes.”  If you remain calm then the answer is “No.”

Toddler: “NOOO!!” Tears start streaming, face turns red.  “Put the sandwich back together!!!!”

You (remaining calm): “So sorry about the sandwich, do you want to eat it or are you all done?”

You are going to want to say, “What?!? Are you effing ridiculous? You always want me to cut it up and now you want me to put it back together?!?!?”

Toddler: “No no no no no. put it back. put it back. put it back. put it back.  put it back TOGETHERRRRRRRR!” 

You (remaining calm):  “Are you all done then?”  

You are going to want to say, “If I hear one more word out of you, you are going straight to time out!!”

But if you escalate the situation, two things happen, 1) your child doesn’t learn any skills to calm down and 2) that he can get a lot of attention out of one sandwich and that if he escalates more, then you will as well.  Empathy and calmness will shut the tantrum down (not immediately, but much more quickly).

What to do instead?

Just shut down the whole tantrum by saying “I’m sorry, but no”.

So, instead of giving in, hold strong and say, “I’m sorry, but no”.

And instead of getting mad, say, “I’m sorry, but no”.

I’m sorry, but no.

 

Tags:
2May

Are you a strict parent?

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
No comments
strict1

I have found myself having this conversation a lot lately and noticing that there are different ideas and descriptions of whether a parent is “strict” or not.

Are you a strict parent?

In the past, the term “strict” generally referred to parents who used such parenting techniques as spanking, isolation, yelling and punitive punishment.  

Because of this, a lot of parents who don’t want to use those techniques have turned to more permissive parenting thinking that if they are doing the opposite of “strict” then they will have a happier, more loving family and therefore, happier, more loving children.

But what we have realized over the years, is that permissive parenting doesn’t necessarily create happier children.   We have a generation of entitled children who don’t believe that there are rules to live by, because no rules were imposed on them when they were children. 

I hear a lot of backlash of the permissive parenting movement with people saying that if they could only spank their children, then we would all be a lot better off.

But the key word here is “strict” and not spanking.

These days “strict” can be synonymous with “consistent“.   It can be very loving.  It can be empathetic, but it needs to follow through. 

The argument that someone is strict because they are harsh is outdated and the argument that children don’t thrive in strict households is also outdated. 

Strict is loving.

Strict doesn’t have to be harsh.

Strict can involve kisses and ‘I love you’ as you give the consequence. 

Strict isn’t wobbly.

Strict is firm.

Strict is comforting for children.

Strict is unwavering.  It is always there. 

Are you a strict parent?

 

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

Tags:
5Oct

Fighting and siblings

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
No comments
fighting

At some point, every parent is going to come across this problem.  Even if you only have one child, they are going to have a conflict with another child.  And if you have two or more children, it may be a daily issue.

Some parents have asked me, “What do I do about fighting?”  Every situation is unique but conflict is inevitable and once we realize that and teach children how to resolve problems rather than try to eliminate all conflicts, we will all be better off.

At a very young age (starting at 12-18 months), children can start to do simple problem solving.  The most common reason for fighting is that both children want the same item.  Many parents will approach the situation by saying, “Stop fighting and share!”  This approach, however, does nothing to solve the problem or to teach children how to manage the conflict.

So the ideal response is to teach the children how to resolve it on their own.

First, mention the problem:  “What is the problem? You both want the blue truck.”

Second, give the children the language to advocate for themselves:  “Tell your sibling that you are using it right now.” (This can be done with sign language for really little ones which is a hand patting the heart which means “Mine” or “My turn”).

Third, give them the language to problem-solve: “What are some solutions? You can ask for a turn when they are done” (again the child can pat their heart or say “My turn” depending on the developmental level).

Once the parameters are set on whose turn it is now and who will get a turn soon, then you can guide the conversation in whatever direction works for that situation.  It may be, “What do you want to do while you wait for your turn?”  Or it may be finding a timer so that the turn taking is more concrete.

If the children are older and can help create solutions for the problem, then you can enlist them in finding one or two solutions each.  At the beginning, they will need coaching such as “One solution might be to have one sibling have a turn and then the other sibling have a turn.  Another solution might be to have Mom remove the toy from play.”

So your job at the beginning is to mediate the conflict resolution so that in a couple months (years) or so, they can do it on their own.

 

The second most common type of fighting is physical wrestling, pushing, hitting, etc.  Again, the most common response is for the parent to step in and end the altercation but if there isn’t an immediate danger, then it is more important to teach the children how to manage the conflict.  

Oftentimes, children like to play rough and you don’t want to step in.  You can monitor from the side to make sure no one gets hurt and then remind them that if one child says “stop!” or “no!” then that is the time to stop.  Remind the child who is probably whining or fussing that it is up to them to say “stop” or “no” and as soon as that word is said, it needs to be honored.  

So if the other child doesn’t stop, then they are not being safe and they are not listening which means that they need to be immediately removed from play whether in the shape of a time-out, or whatever works for your family.

Again, both of these scenarios take much longer than a quick, “No more fighting” but they give children more tools for dealing with conflict once an adult isn’t around.

 

Tags:
14Jul

Take care of yourself, others and environment

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
No comments
Brotherly love

If you break it down, there are really only three rules for living:

*Take care of yourself

*Take care of others

*Take care of your environment (the things around you)

Any transgression can fall into one of these three rules. 

Your child is grabbing the cat’s tail? No- because we take care of others.  

Your child is throwing a toy? No- because we take care of our things. 

Your child refuses to brush their teeth? No- because we take care of ourselves.  

These work for adults too and as I remind my children, it is a good self reminder to treat myself with respect, to be good to my husband and children, and to be good to my world by remembering my reusable bags. 

It is a consistent and gentle way to remind children about behavior without nagging.  You can also reinforce this by noticing ways that the family is following those rules.  An easy one is “Mom is working right now to help take care of the family”.  But other ones that are equally as effective are “Dad is making breakfast and taking such good care of us!” or “Thanks for feeding the dog, that is taking good care of Rover” or “We don’t eat food in the living room because we want to take good care of our house.”  

It honestly doesn’t get old like other more trite behavior modifiers and I really appreciate it when my husband gushes “Mama takes such good care of all of us!” 

 

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

Tags:
26Jun

Simplify your life: teach problem solving skills!

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
No comments
Problem solving

Bed time not working? Problem solve!  Leaving the house takes forever?  Problem solve!  Kids want the same toy? Problem solve!  You don’t have enough snack? Problem solve!

Problem solving is an essential skill for life so how young can a child learn this skill and how in the world do we teach it?  

Amazingly enough, researchers say that children as young as 18 months can learn how to solve problems.  Imagine what this would do for you; fewer fights with siblings and parents, more independence, higher self-esteem, more self-reliance, and the list goes on and on not to mention higher thinking skills for school.

So we know all the benefits of having problem solving skills, but how do we teach it? 

First and foremost, it takes patience.  If you solve the problem then it is much much quicker, but if you step back and just ask questions, it may take a lot longer, but the child builds the skills for solving their own problems.

For children who are very young (under two) you can start teaching it by looking for something that is lost.  “Where is it?” can be heard over and over again in houses with very young children. It would take just seconds for you to find their missing shoe, favorite toy or family pet, but it wouldn’t teach any skills.  If you have the patience to take ten minutes to find that shoe (I promise you, the people who are waiting for you won’t care, and if they do, tell them you were teaching your child problem solving skills).  

As the child gets older, bigger problems will arise such as taking turns with toys, not getting their way, boredom, disagreements with friends and the list goes on…

Problem solving skills are also essential for dealing with problems that are affecting the whole family such as bedtime or getting out of the house in the morning.

The steps for solving problems are as follows:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. What are some solutions?
  3. What solution did we choose?
  4. Did that solution work?

Let’s start with what is the problem?

The first step in problem solving is always naming the problem.  Once children can name the problem, they stop worrying about blame or past grievances and can move towards solving what is wrong.

When there is a conflict, our first reaction is to jump in and start yelling.  But if we stop and either say, “uh oh” (for younger kiddos)  or “What is the problem?” (for older kiddos)  Then we are asking our children to start thinking about what is happening.

I’m gonna go out on limb here and say that with children under the age of five, 99.97% of problems are around both children wanting the same thing.  So that makes this part easy.  You say, “Uh oh, you both want the red car” or “What is the problem?” and if they aren’t sure, “Did both of you want the swing with the blue seat?” 

Once the problem is named, what are some solutions?

Chances are, the children are too young or don’t have exposure to problem solving skills so for a good while, you will have to narrate and give them the language to problem solve. 

So you can start with, “I have an idea (or I have a solution); we can put the red car away so that nobody will fuss over it” (I always give the worst solution first so that children don’t automatically jump on it and then they have to think.  It shows them that there is always more than one idea and often it is the one that we go with if we can’t find agreement.)

Then you can ask for other ideas and again if they are younger or not sure, offer ideas. “Or we can let child A have the car for a couple of minutes and then child B can have the car.”  When child B fusses, switch the order.  Now we have gone through three possible solutions and still no one is happy.  This is where it gets fun.  This is where you can get really creative and eventually teach your children to do the same.  Say, “OK, here’s another idea, we could paint another car red and then you both have red cars.  Or we could make another red car out of paper and then we would have two. OR (and it’s fun to see how crazy you can get) we could saw the red car in half and you can each have half!” (make sure it is something you can really do (or at least try) in case they choose that option.)

Then you have to pick one solution.  If there is no agreement, then the parent can choose one, and the parent usually chooses the least desirable option.

Then implement and later you can ask the children, did that solution work?

Since each problem is different, each solution will be different as well and this is where you and your child can get very creative.  Again, it takes so much longer to have a child solve a problem and usually the solution is not one that you would choose, but it is one of the most important skills they can learn.

You can then use these steps to solve any problem that comes up in your family. 

Tags:
4Jun

How to deal with the dreaded temper tantrums

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
No comments
Boulder parent consulting

Temper tantrums can be a parent’s nightmare as well as an essential learning opportunity for toddlers.

Erik Erikson wrote about the different developmental stages that we go through in life.  He said that for children 1 1/2 to 3 years of age, they are in the “Autonomy versus Shame or Doubt” stage.

So, each child is learning about autonomy or “I can do it myself” or “I am an individual” during this stage.  Unfortunately, with that autonomy also comes a lack of communication.  Few two years olds can discuss exactly what they want to do with a situation.

So the caregiver has two things that they need to do with young children to help with temper tantrums;

1) Interpret what the child is trying to accomplish and

2) Give the child some autonomy through choices.

If neither of those things happen, the child falls into the other part of the stage that Erikson set forth which is shame or doubt.  The child is trying to assert themselves as a capable individual, and if they fail, not only do they feel frustration, but there are residual effects of “I’m not good enough” and “I can’t do it”.

This is why temper tantrums are so important.  Helping children at this stage can literally help children through the rest of the childhood stage, into teenager stage and  then long into adulthood.

Let’s look at the first concept:

1) Interpret what the child is trying to accomplish

With toddlers at this age, communication doesn’t come easily.  Pair that with their desire to do everything themselves and you have a recipe for disaster  temper tantrums.  So you can ask them what they are trying to do, and see if you can get any response that is interpretable, or you can use some clues to try and figure it out for yourself.  Is your child trying to pack up their favorite toy to bring it with them and they can’t unzip a zipper?  Is your child trying to wash their hands by themselves and they are trying to get closer to the sink?   When your young toddler is doing something very strange (that you may not want them to do) first try to interpret what the child is trying to accomplish.

2) Give the child some autonomy through choices

Children at this age can do so so much.  But they can’t do everything.  That’s where the importance of choices comes into play.

For example, it is time to leave to go (to the doctor, to childcare, to grandma’s house) and your child starts to get fussy.  They will be more willing participants if they are actual participants.  If you tell them what they are going to do, they lose their sense of autonomy that is so important to them at this age.  So you can start by giving them a choice where everyone wins.  Tell them that it’s time to go and then:

*”Do you want to wear your red shoes or your black shoes?”

*”Do you want to put on your jacket by yourself or do you want me to help you?”

*”Do you want to bring your book with your or your teddy bear?”

With all of these choices, the child is able to become an individual, they are able to have control over a part of their life.  But none of these choices is “Do you want to go or stay home?” because that is when parents lose control and temper tantrums can surface again.

Unfortunately, so many temper tantrums happen in public.  Children have an innate sense of the power they hold.  But the good thing is that, once children get some control over their lives, they will have less of a need to fight for it.  But when you do experience the public temper tantrum, the best thing is to leave the space.  Everyone will be able to problem solve more easily when there isn’t an audience.

Then once you are away from the public eye (usually outside) you can go back to square one; decipher what the child is trying to accomplish and then help the child to find a solution.

Keeping these two points in mind (interpret what they are trying to accomplish, and giving them choices) will help your toddler with the dreaded temper tantrums.

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

Tags: