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2Mar

Why You Should Never Bribe- Except These Three Times

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Bribe

We know as adults that bribing doesn’t feel good; it doesn’t feel right.  If our boss were to say, “If you’d stay a couple of hours later tonight, I’ll bring you a chocolate cake tomorrow”; we’d probably stay and do the extra work but deep inside we might be thinking, “gosh, I didn’t need him to offer the chocolate cake, I would have stayed anyway.”

It feels even weirder when someone in our family bribes us.  If our spouse were to say, “If you were to keep the house a bit cleaner, then you’d get a special ice cream.”  Well, wow.  First of all, it feels weird that they think they have the power over us to do that.  Second of all, they can help clean the house. Third of all, I’d like something special because you enjoy the time you spend with me, not because I clean the house.  Lastly, I do the best I can to clean the house.  I would have grave concerns about my marriage if this ever happened.

And what about rewards? Rewards are just another type of bribe.  A child who gets a prize for good behavior is the same thing as bribing a child.

There are two reasons why bribing doesn’t feel right to us and isn’t appropriate for most reasons when working with young children.

Bribing affects long-term relationships

One example of this is when parents bribe their children for eating.  If you eat all of your dinner, then you can have dessert.  This is by far one of the most common bribes that parents use.  It works, it is easy and it gets the job done.  However, it affects the child’s lifelong relationship with food. It gets to the point where the child demands dessert, the entire meal is plagued with negotiation and frustration and as they get older they idolize sweets as the end-all-be-all.

Instead of bribing children with dessert, you have a couple of options: 1) Offer the dessert (fruit, sweet muffin, or even a cookie) with dinner.  This will seem very strange at first and the child will eat the dessert first, but then continue to eat the dinner without a fuss.  Or: 2) The child is done eating when they are full.  Sometimes there is something sweet after dinner and sometimes there isn’t.  It really models how we want to be as adults and again, it will be strange at first, especially if everyone is used to bribes, but it really does work.

A second example of how bribing affects life long relationships is when a parent offers a treat for a certain behavior.   Sometimes parents will say, “I have a treat in the car for you if we leave right now.”   When we try to control another person’s behavior through bribes, we are saying two things; 1) I have all of the control and you have none and 2) people can be manipulated by giving them things.

We want our children to build life long positive relationship with their family members as well as everyone around them.  They can’t build positive relationship by controlling other people and using ‘treats’ to control them.  There needs to be some equality in the amount of control to have a positive relationship and gifts should be given because of the joy it brings, not because it can manipulate people.

Bribing affects intrinsic motivation

This one is pretty obvious and we all know it, and yet, we still bribe our children.  When we ask them to do something with a reward at the end, we are teaching them to do things based on what they will receive rather than how it will make them feel.  We are separating them from the essential skill to decide to do things for themselves.

The pipe dream for most parents is for children to be OK (or even want to) help out with chores, or do their homework.  These are the types of jobs that we want our children to be motivated intrinsically to do.  So the worst thing to do is bribe them for these behaviors.  This will make them want to do them even less.  What you need to so is build these behaviors into your daily life.  Show them that mom and dad do their chores and their work without fussing.  Talk about how nice the house is or how the family can support themselves when they do a good job.

I’m not saying that you can’t set a limit.  For instance, if you child needs to clean up after dinner and you don’t want to bribe him by saying, ‘if you clean up, you can get a treat’, you can say, ‘We all clean up after ourselves. Once you clean up, we can have play time.’  or another option is, ‘We all clean up after ourselves.  I’d be happy to do it for you, but then I won’t have time to help you read a book before bedtime.’

But you don’t want to be saying, ‘We need to leave the park now.  If you get into the car, I’ll get you an ice cream.’  Instead, you can say, ‘We need to leave the park now.  Would you like to come back again next week?’  I’m not saying that your child won’t fuss simply because you ask them if they want to go back to the park again.  They will, and fussing is OK.  Your children have emotions and being upset that they have to leave is an acceptable emotion.  You can comfort them by saying, ‘I know, I love to come to the park too and leaving can be hard.  Do you want to come back next week?’

When are the three times bribing is OK and why?

The three times that it is OK to bribe your children is potty training, working with children with special needs and during or after big physical feats.

Potty training

Pretty much every parent talks about using M&M’s during potty training but most parents don’t know why.   Let’s first look at the two reasons we don’t want to bribe; long-term relationships and intrinsic motivation.  Potty training is neither of these.  Your child won’t have a long-term relationship with learning how to pee and poop.  It may take years to finally stop having accidents, but the act of usually getting our waste into the toilet is short-lived.  There are also no problems with children not having enough intrinsic motivation using the bathroom.  We don’t hear older children saying, “I really should use the bathroom, but I just can’t motivate myself to do it.”

Because potty training doesn’t go against building a long-term relationship or intrinsic motivation, it is perfectly fine to use bribing to get results.

Children with special needs

I have spent many years working with children with special needs and although all children are different, there are a lot of children who benefit from using rewards for certain behaviors.  For children who are on the autism spectrum, they develop relationships differently than typically developing children.  The way that they build relationships aren’t always harmed by using rewards.  They also have a different way of being motivated.  Their brains work differently and I have found that using rewards and bribes only affects them in a positive way rather than in a negative way.

During or after a big physical feat or getting something special for doing something special

Let’s again look at the two reasons to avoid bribing, long-term relationships and intrinsic motivation.  If you were to offer an energy pill (skittle or small candy) during a bike, hike or ski, then you are not affecting any long-term relationships. Your child will learn that a little food during a physical activity helps with energy, which is absolutely scientifically correct.

Or if you were to offer a trip to the ice cream parlor after a big bike ride or after the swim race, then you  aren’t affecting long-term relationships or intrinsic motivation.  The child will still perform just as well during the bike ride or the swim race, with or without the ice cream.   And they may associate a big physical day with something fun at the end which is an OK association.  How many of you go out for a yummy meal after a big hike, bike ride or climb?  We certainly do.  It is enjoying life and celebrating all of the things we are physically able to do.

Treats vs. bribing

Just like rewards are the same thing as bribes (you do this and you get that) treats are very different.  Treats are simply for the sake of something special.  This definition does it more justice than I ever could:

“An event or item that is out of the ordinary and gives great pleasure.”

Life isn’t just about abstaining ourselves from enjoying treats.  Treats by their very nature are special things to have every once in a while.  As soon as we are giving out treats for every behavior, they are no longer treats by definition.

So taking your children out for an ice cream every once in a while, or getting a new toy at the store, “just because” are encouraged.  Just don’t attach them to any behavior and you won’t be negatively affecting any long-term relationships or intrinsic motivation.

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2Feb

The second most important thing to help your child’s behavior- Empathy

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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(The most important thing you can do, by the way, is eat a family dinner together).

Often my posts are about changes you can make when working with your children to help create a better life for you and them.  But today, I’m going to talk a little bit behind the scenes with some “why’s” behind what we do.

Empathy is really such a cornerstone concept because it is super important for parents to have with their children and even more important skill for children to learn.

What is empathy?  My husband said that it is knowing how other people feel.  That in itself is correct, but it is so much more than that.

Empathy is understanding other people’s feelings and what is happening behind the feeling.

Empathy is putting yourself in other people’s shoes.

Let’s first talk about empathy, sympathy and compassion.

Empathy is understanding where someone is coming from.  It is the why behind the actions or behavior.

Sympathy is either feeling the same emotion or being able to feel the same emotion.

Compassion is wanting to help someone who is in need.

All three of these are very important but the one that gets forgotten the most is empathy.

Here are some examples:

With the war in Syria, we have empathy for the refugees. We understand why they are leaving their country.  We probably won’t be able to sympathize with them, unless we ourselves have had to leave our country under duress.  We will most likely have compassion for them and want to help.

However, we may also have empathy for the countries who are not taking in the refugees.  Why are they not helping?  If we look at the “why” behind their behavior we might read that they don’t feel like they have the resources to take in all the refugees.  They might even be afraid of what the future will look like with so many people who don’t have jobs or who speak the language.  If we look at the why’s behind their behavior, we might have empathy for these countries. Even though I may not agree with these countries, I can understand where they are coming from. I myself wouldn’t have sympathy for these countries because I believe that I would feel differently. And it certainly doesn’t mean that we have compassion for these countries.   If they are refusing entry to the refugees, they don’t deserve any compassion for their actions.

So the three are intertwined but can also be very separate.  When empathy becomes the most difficult, but most important, is when we see behavior that is undesirable.  In the first example, pretty much everyone would have empathy for the refugees, but in the second example, it is a bit more difficult to have empathy for countries refusing refugees entry.  We have to dig deep to find some empathy and figure out where the behavior is coming from.

When we have empathy for our children, our conflicts de-escalate, our connection builds and we can solve problems without all the fussing and fighting that often happens with people don’t get their way.

If your child doesn’t get a toy that they want, you can empathize with that.  They wanted something, they didn’t get it.  That sucks.  It sucks for us adults as well when we wanted a poppy seed bagel and we get to the bagel shop and they are all out.  We can empathize.  “You are bummed because you didn’t get that toy that you wanted.”  We can sympathize, “I feel the same way when I don’t get something I want.”  We can have compassion, “Would you like a hug?”

We also need to have tons of empathy when we are giving consequences.  We may be angry with our children when their behavior is unacceptable, but it is wiser and more effective to give consequences with a big ol’ dose of empathy.  Let’s say your one child has just smacked your other child after a particularly trying morning.  

Without empathy:

You can pick him up angrily and bring him into his room and say, “Don’t ever do that again!”

With empathy:

You can stop, say, “Uh oh.  I can’t allow you to hit anyone.  I know you wanted that toy, but you will have to go somewhere where everyone will be safe.” and carry him gently into his room.

And equally important as empathizing with our children is teaching them empathy.

How do we teach empathy?

First, we are empathetic with our children.  Then, we teach them problem solving skills which include looking at other solutions (seeing where the other child is coming from).  Thirdly, we talk about the why’s behind behavior.

For really young children, we can just point out the “why” behind the situation:

Without empathy:

“Stop fussing! You both need to share!”

With empathy:

“Look, Eliza wants a turn with the toy, too.”

Without empathy:

“Ugh, that child is so whiny.”

With empathy:

“Let’s give some of our snack to Melissa, I think she might be hungry.”

And for older children, it can be much more of a discussion:

Is someone bothering your child (a sibling or a child at school)? You can start the discussion with, “What do you think is going on?”   “Do you think that the other child wants what you have?”  “Do you think they might be lonely?”

When you look at the why’s behind the situation and help your child look at why someone is acting someway, then you are teaching them all about empathy.

Why does all this matter?

Just like blueberries are one of those super-foods, empathy is one of those super skills.  Children and adults who have empathy end up having more friends, getting better jobs, are better bosses, have better relationships and so on.   There is one caveat, however and that is that there is a study that says that the most powerful people in the world have less empathy than other people.  So if you want your child to be a ruler and be able to get power with any means necessary, then don’t teach her empathy.  But if you want her to be successful and happy, then use empathy yourself with your children and teach them how to be empathetic as well.

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19Jan

Five ways to be screen free (or screen limited)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Unplugging
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This is one of those things that just happens.  Before we have kids we really want to be the parents that don’t give their child a screen to calm them down or entertain them, and then real life happens and it is a lot harder than we ever thought it would be.

But here’s the thing, giving our children an unplugged childhood is a gift that only we can give them.  They can’t choose it for themselves and if we think about our childhoods, we remember all the times we were outside, exploring, playing, and we realize that our parents were never in this quandary.  This problem is ours and all ours. It is up to us to do this for our children.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children remain screen free for the first two years of their life.  This is a huge developmental period and should be filled with interactions and hands on activities.  After the first two years, you can start adding in videos or games but the time should still be limited and not during family time.

So here are five things you can do to ultimately make your life easier (yes! it is actually much much easier in the long run to be screen-free or screen-limited) and to give your children the gift of an unplugged childhood.

1) Make a plan

Without a plan, you won’t be able to keep your children screen free or screen limited.  Talk with your spouse ahead of time so that you don’t find yourself in a situation where you have to give your child a screen.  

2) Carry stickers and fruit chews with you everywhere

Having an arsenal of non-screen distractions will help you keep the screen from appearing in front of your child.  Buy some cheap stickers online or at a craft store and bring them with you everywhere.  When a situation comes up where your child is bored, give them some stickers instead of a screen.

The time that I was most wanting to use a screen to reign in my children was when they were screaming.  Either because they were hurt, tired, hungry or just screaming because they were kids, I didn’t know what to do.  Turns out, fruit chews worked really well.  If they were sucking on something sweet (that isn’t a choking hazard and is mildly healthy) then they couldn’t cry.  Worked like a charm.

3) Have the option to leave

This one is super important.  We often don’t get out of the house enough, or we are so excited to see our friends, that we don’t leave open the possibility to leave the situation.  If we can’t leave, then we have to give the child something to do for distraction.

If you can leave when your child can’t sit still or stop screaming, then you are dealing with the situation without giving them a screen.  This may sound drastic, but it isn’t every time that you have to leave.  

Two situations where you might not be able to leave are when you are in a car or on an airplane.  For the car situation, I try to find places where we can get out and walk and get some fresh air, food and exercise to help take care of that problem.  And for an airplane, I use the old-fashioned techniques that our parent’s used: lots of interesting toys, stickers, games and just walking up and down the aisle.

4) Have a “no-devices-at-the-table” rule

This one is also super important.  If you carve out part of your day where there aren’t screens, then you won’t fall into the trap of giving your child a screen for distraction.  Dinner time is one of the most important times of the day for a family to get together and even if your little one isn’t a part of the conversation, they are watching, observing, learning and listening.  They see how adults interact and they hear stories about their family and the world.  Eventually, they will sit and converse with you (if you don’t give them a screen) so the hard part is now- the benefit (which is huge) comes later. 

5) Go outside at least once per day

This last one doesn’t seem at all related but it really is.  One of the reasons that we turn the screen on is because we are all tapped out of energy and we can’t muster anything else.  But if we open the door and get outside for even a couple of minutes (I know how hard that it when it is 3 degrees below zero, but those are the most important days to get outside) you will feel refreshed and refueled without turning to a screen.

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17Jan

Just change this one thing for positive behavior

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Videos
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You want to be more of a positive parent, but you still don’t want your child to get away with everything.  So what do you do?  Basically, all the same things, just take away the anger.  This can really only be a video post since I’m suggesting that you do everything you do as a parent the same as you do now, but without the anger and since you can’t show much emotion writing, it may be hard to explain:

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13Jan

How to deal with a 2 year old (or three or four year old..)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior info-graphic Positive Parenting
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Here is an info-graphic that you can refer to, or print up which gives a summary of how to work with your child’s behavior.  

It includes minor transgressions, common behavior issues as well as more major safety issues. 

Many parents ask, “how can you be a positive parent, while also setting limits?”  and this info- graphic shows you a three- step approach where you can connect with your child while also holding your boundary.

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20Oct

10 Tips To Being A Good Parent

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings Sleep Unplugging
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Here’s a list of 10 tried and true tips to being a good parent:

  1. Routine

It may not fit your lifestyle if you are used to being more spontaneous and flying by the seat of your pants before you had kids, however it is the number one way to having happier kids.  Doing more or less the same things at more or less the same time of day every day will make your children better sleepers, better eaters and better behaved.

2. Eat dinner together as a family

There is study after study about how eating dinner together as a family insulates your children from many societal ills.  Be sure to use the “no devices at the table” rule or you won’t benefit from the time together.  But this one simple thing will set your child up for life!

3.  Breathe

The best thing I ever heard as a parent is, “breathe in for a count of 5, breathe out for a count of 5”.  Not only does it calm you down, but it is a great model to help your children calm down.

4. Rotate your children’s toys

When your children have fewer toys to play with, they are more engaged and more focused.  Clean up is much, much easier and when they are bored with their toys, the ones in storage will feel like new!  Get some good storage bins (or even plastic bags) and put about half of your kid’s toys away in the garage or a closet.

5. Don’t force your kids to eat

Take all the stress away from food and eating and your children will be better and healthier eaters.  Provide them with three healthy meals a day with fruit for snack in-between meals and as long as there is at least one thing on the plate that they will eat, let them decide how much food they want.  It’s OK if they decide not to eat, or just eat the one thing that they are familiar with.  Have them take one bite of the new food even if it is a tiny bite.  It takes 20 times of trying most foods before children will eat it.

6. Carve out a little time for yourself

If you are burnt out, you won’t be much support for your children.  Taking some time for yourself doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you a good parent.  Whether it is a 5 minute walk around the block, a little meditation in the morning, or watching your favorite show while they are sleeping- just do it!

7. Teach your children problem solving skills

If your children can solve their own problems, then your life will be much easier and your children will have more success in life.  Start by identifying the problem (you both want the same toy) and then help them come up with solutions.  The more creative, the better!

8. Get outside every single day (even and especially on the worst of days)

One of my favorite quotes is “Nature is cheaper than therapy.”  Getting outside is something you can do with or without your children.  When you go outside for even a short time, your whole look on life will improve.  If you have even more time to get a walk around the block or a get out into nature, your outlook on life will increase ten-fold.  And if the weather is super rainy, cold, hot or just uncomfortable, then coming back home will be that much more enjoyable.

9. Get down on the floor (when times are good and when times are bad)

Getting down on the floor does many things:

  • It changes your perspective so that you see things from your kids point of view
  • It moves your body in ways that you aren’t used to and puts you into a mood to have fun
  • If tempers are flaring, it lowers the anxiety level of your children (Seriously. Try this- they immediately calm down)
  • It puts you on the same level as your child which increases connection and decreases power imbalance

10. Give your kiddos a hug every single day

This one is a no-brainer, but somehow I still seem to forget!

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18Aug

When your toddler says “no” you say “yes”

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Parental Support Positive Parenting
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yes

You have probably said your share of “no” before breakfast if you have a toddler (or any age child for that matter..) and you might be wanting to say that dreadful word less, but don’t know how.  You want to set limits, but you also want to parent in a positive way.

Here’s a way that you can do it:

When you want to say “no”, tell the child what they can do, when they can do it or when you can help them.

Here’s a bunch of examples and we’ll start with my favorite one:

When you are at the park and it’s time to leave and your child starts to get fussy, your reaction might be to say, “No more fussing!  Let’s get in the stroller!”

But instead, you can say, “Would you like to come back to this park next week?”

If your child is sitting in their high chair or at the table eating and they start throwing food, your first thought might be to say, “No throwing food, we eat our food.”

But instead, you can say, “Are you finished eating?” and then take the food away.

If you are getting your child ready for bed and they are asking for another book, your instinct will be to say, “No more books for tonight.”

But instead, you can say, “Let’s save this book for tomorrow!”

If your child is saying, “Pick me up, up up up!” you might respond by saying, “No, I can’t right now, I’m making dinner.”

But instead, you can say, (even if the child is fussing), “I can pick you up as soon as my hands are clean!”

If your child hits you or another child or person, you will need to set a limit, but you can do it in a positive way.  You will want to say, “No hitting”

But instead, you can say, “We take good care of each other.  If you need some space, just let me know.”

I find that the majority of the fussing happens when my children are hungry or tired, so many times, instead of saying no, I say, “Do you want a bite to eat?”  or “Would you like to lay down and snuggle for a bit?”  This doesn’t work at first because most children take a while to develop enough self-awareness to know what is bothering them.  But soon, they will be able to answer with a “yes.”

So if you stop saying “no”, you are not allowing the behavior, you are just letting the child know what is allowed.

This is still setting limits, but in a positive way.

The benefits from this type of communication are many:

Increases vocabulary

If you are just saying “no” all the time, chances are, one of the first words your child will say is “no”.  Then the tables will soon turn and they can use that word against you when they get a bit older. But if you are really talking with your child and explaining things, then they pick up on all of those words and will have a bigger vocabulary in the long run.

Helps with problem solving skills

When you tell your child what can happen instead of what can’t happen, you are teaching your child that there are different options.  For example, when you tell your child, “You can throw rocks into the river if there aren’t any people or animals around, but it isn’t safe to throw rocks at people”, you are telling them that there is more than one option or more than one solution to a problem.  What is the problem? Throwing rocks hurts people and animals.  What is one solution?  Not throwing rocks at all.  What is another solution? Throwing rocks only when nothing is around.  What is another solution? Throwing balls or seeds instead of rocks. What is another solution? Going home.

Teaches delayed gratification and waiting skills

It is really hard for young children to wait.  Unfortunately, the best way to teach waiting is to have children wait. Instead of saying “no”, you can tell your children, “Yes, in a couple of minutes.”  Or as they get older and you can start teaching delayed gratification, you can say, “Yes, this weekend we can do that.”

So think about the Conditional Yes when your child’s behavior is unacceptable and instead of saying, “NO!”, say what can happen instead.

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31Jul

You Think You Want to Spank Your Child? Think Again

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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spanking(20)

I realize that not too many people who follow me are ones who spank their children, but even if I’m just preaching to the choir, I still need to preach.

After reading all the news about the recent (and history of) police brutality, I have to speak from a parenting point of view.

Do not spank your children.

What does this have to do with people in a position of power harming other people?

Everything.

I write about discipline all the time and mostly my stance is on finding a balance between setting limits and positive parenting.  It is a confusing topic and parenting is tough, so there is a lot to say about it.   I rarely talk about the exertion of control over your children although it actually is a key part in understanding discipline and teaching positive skills to your children.  So when you look at the continuum of parenting styles, you’ll see authoritarian on one side, permissive on the other and unconditional or positive parenting somewhere in the middle.  But what separates one style from another is the amount of control, or the amount of power:Parenting styles (8)

Authoritarian parents tend to run on the idea that having complete control over your children helps their behavior.  Parents make the rule and parents enforce the rule.   And what is the most popular way to enforce rules? Spanking.

Most people can agree that this style of parenting stops undesirable behavior mostly in its tracks.  It might make a child upset or cry, but hey, parents can stop that behavior too with enough force.

The underlying, indisputable, persistent message to children with authoritarian parenting and spanking is:

It is never OK to hit, unless you are in a position of power or authority.

So with authoritarian parenting, children learn what is OK and what is not OK from a parent’s point of view.  This sounds like a good thing which is why so many parents choose to be authoritarian.  But they learn other lessons too, that might not be as desirable.  They learn that you can control other people who don’t have as much power through force.  They also learn that this kind of violence is somehow OK.

I am not a scientist, and I’ve only thought for about 5 minutes of actually getting a PhD, but if I were to do a dissertation, it would be on how many people who are in position of power and have abused that power were spanked as a child.

I don’t know how accurate the data would be since I was spanked as a child and I don’t go around asserting myself through force, but I do think that there is a relationship there.

So instead of requesting obedience through complete control and hitting your child, you can send them another message of working together to solve problems by giving the children some control.   Some food for thought…

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14Jul

The Reality of Time In vs. Time Out

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Parental Support Positive Parenting
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Time in time out

Parents:

Let’s make a plan.

If you have ever been on the internet, then you have heard that giving a time out is a horrible thing.  It is not.

You have heard that connecting with your child during a fit or a tantrum is a better thing.  That is correct.

So let’s make a plan:

When we are calm, we have had good sleep and we have lots of patience in our hearts, let’s plan to stop when our child starts to tantrum.  Let’s plan to get down on their level.   Let’s plan to check in with them and try to figure out what need is not being met.  Let’s plan to do this for at least one tantrum or fit per day.

But then let’s let reality in. Let’s realize that maybe we didn’t get enough sleep last night.  Let’s remember that we might also be arguing with our spouse when the child melts down.  Let’s remember that we are in the middle of making dinner, we are hungry and crabby and let’s have plan B set in place.

Because the reality is that although we want to always connect with our children, it isn’t physically possible and we don’t know what to do when we are at our wit’s end.

Plan A: Time -In (Stop, breathe, connect with child until need is met or tantrum subsides)

Plan B: Time – Out (Stop, breathe, give child 2 warnings in a calm voice and then remove child from the situation until they are calm)

This type of parenting is positive parenting with limits.  It lives in reality.  Even though we want to connect with our child every time they act up, it just isn’t possible.

This is similar to so many aspects of parenting:

Birth:

-Plan A- natural birth with lots of skin to skin contact

-Plan B- Epidural, emergency C-Section and skin to skin contact as soon as possible

Breastfeeding:

-Plan A- exclusive breast-feeding until child self-weans

-Plan B- Breastfeeding with pumping and formula until child is a year old

Attachment parenting:

-Plan A- Never let child cry, carry everywhere

-Plan B- When child A is crying, feel bad for child B who is crying, Carry as much as possible

 

All of Plan A’s are based on what is best for the child and what we should do when everything is going right.  I always plan for A.  I always want what is best for my children.  There is a ton of research behind Plan A.  But when Plan A falls through, we cannot shame for Plan B.   I feel so lucky that I have been able to do Plan A for about half of my parenting goals, but I do my best everyday to not shame myself when it switches to Plan B.

The same thing is true for tantrums.  Whenever I read an article about Time-In or connecting with your child during tantrums, 90% of comments say “What a great reminder!”  “I’ll have to remember this!”  “Thanks so much for writing this- it’s beautiful!”  So far, I have yet to read a comment that said, “I do this 100% of the time with my children.”  Because you can’t.  Because it is a reminder.  It is a shout-out for Plan A.  Now if we could only have the article stop after they tout the benefits of Plan A and not allude to ruining your children with Plan B (because you won’t).

So let’s make a plan:

Let’s plan to meet as many of our children’s needs as possible.

Let’s plan to teach them calming down techniques when they are calm and happy (breathing, taking space, etc)

Let’s plan to make clear limits and boundaries that everyone is aware of.

Let’s plan to stop, breathe and connect with our children during a tantrum at least once per day.

Let’s plan to understand that at some point during the day, we will not have any more patience.

Let’s plan to have a safe space in the house where the child can go when they are upset and they can practice calming down.

Let’s plan to calmly give them 2 warnings before removing them from the situation (ie giving them a time out)

Let’s plan to calmly bring them to their safe place (most likely bedroom, but plan ahead if that space isn’t ideal) when they are unable to calm down and you are unable to connect.

We need to have a plan, because when we don’t, we can’t be consistent and the behavior only gets worse.  We need to follow-through with our plan, but we can only do that when we have one set in place.  So make a plan today with your spouse and cover all the angles so that you know what to do when the poop hits the fan.  This is the way to help your child and help their behavior.

Let’s have a plan in place.

 

Plan A: Time In– connect with your child

Plan B: Time- Out– give space to everyone

 

 

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