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30Dec

One simple trick to help your children play better and clean up easier!

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Positive Parenting
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rotate-toys

With Christmas just behind us and the onslaught of new gadgets overwhelming us, let me tell you about another great little trick.

You may have heard about the idea to put a lot of the new Christmas toys away and slowly bring them out as each month goes by.  I love that idea and I want you to take it a step further.  Do it all the time instead of just at the holidays. 

Rotate your toys!

Almost every preschool teacher in the world does this and it is really quite simple and superbly brilliant!

If you have any storage space at all (or if you are like me and live in a small house, create storage space by building high shelves) then put the majority of your children’s toys away in that space. This space should be out of reach and out of sight.  

Rotate your toys!

This way, you only have a couple of toys out with which the children can play.  It may sound counterintuitive because if the children only have a couple of toys out, they are going to fight more and they are going to be bored quicker, but it actually works the other way.

Here’s some things that will happen by rotating your toys:

  • Children are less stimulated and overwhelmed by the sight, noise and options of toys and will be calmer.
  • The toys will be more interesting since they haven’t seen the toys in a couple of months and they will be more engaged.
  • Children need to learn how to take turns with toys and once they are used to the idea of fewer toys and they have learned how to take turns, they will be able to navigate the play room more easily.
  • Cleaning up toys is an issue with every child and every parent and if you have fewer toys and the children know where each toys belongs, then cleanup is easier, faster and less of a headache.
 
Start by getting some opaque storage crates because it helps in organizing the toys and if you haven’t created storage room yet, you can just stack them in a corner.  Pack up about 60% of your children’s toys in these boxes and almost immediately, you will feel lighter and you will see the difference in the way your children play.
 
Rotate those toys!

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15Nov

Children want order (even though all they do is create chaos)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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order

If you have children, you have chaos in your life.  They turn our whole lives upside down even if (especially if) we prefer order in our lives.  

But here’s the thing: Children want and need order in their lives too.

They need the same thing over and over and over in their lives.

They need the same bedtime (ish) every night.  

They need the same story read a zillion times.

They need the same food in front of them about 15-20 times before they feel comfortable with it.


They need the same people in their lives as much as possible.

They need the same song over and over a trillion times.

They need to know where the toys belong (box for cars, shelf for books, basket for food, etc)

They need the same consequence that they are done eating every time they throw their food.

They need to have the same holiday traditions every year until they are doing it for their kids as well.




They need toys that have all their pieces, aren’t broken and are organized. 

They need the same calm reaction to their tantrums that lets them know they are safe.

When children have order in their lives, they feel more secure.  When children feel more secure in their lives, they have fewer behavior issues. 

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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11Nov

Keeping them in the loop

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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loop

When it comes to young children, we certainly don’t have to tell them everything, but it is surprising what keeping them in the loop will do for their behavior.

This technique is also best when started the earliest.  And I’m talking newborns.  It seems very strange to tell your newborn what you are doing, but they absorb more than we can imagine and it sets them up for understanding more as they grow. 

So what does this look like?

For us, my favorite memory of keeping my boys in the loop was one weekend when we were up in the mountains.  We decided to stay up there through dinner and then drive back right as the boys go down for bed.  This meant that they would fall asleep in the car, but then we would have to wake them once we got home to transfer them to their beds.  They were one and a half years old.  So we explained everything to them, all the steps, everything that would happen.

Once we got in the car, they fell asleep almost immediately.  They slept the whole way home.  We pulled up in front of our house and woke them up ever so sweetly.  Both boys started to laugh!  I couldn’t figure out why they were laughing until I realized that they were laughing at the fact they they knew this was going to happen and it did!  We carried them to their beds, kissed them and they fell asleep immediately again. 

So when you are keeping your children in the loop, you tell them what is going to happen good or bad.

We tend to not tell our children what is going to happen if it is going to be even slightly un-pleasant and it works just the opposite.  If you prepare them and tell them exactly what is going to happen, then to can cope with things much better.    

Take shots, for example, if you practice giving shots at home, tell your child that you are going to get shots, and then talk about how good they did afterwards, then your child will be less afraid of them than if you just spring it upon them.  

If you are changing part of your nighttime routine (no more feeding in the middle of the night, no more pacifier, no more “just one more mommy please!”) then let your child know.  Keep them in the loop.  Talk about it (even if they are teeny tiny) and then when it happens, they might even laugh about it!

When we communicate well with our children, it makes them feel more secure which helps immensely with behavior.  It also teaches them great communication skills.  It teaches them that communication can help us get through hard times.

Again, you don’t have to go overboard and tell them everything that is going to happen but one thing I love to do with my little little ones is tell them our list of to-do things.  For instance, today we are going to the bank, grocery store, computer store and park.  Or, today we have to take out the trash, put away our clothes and then make muffins.  I say it over and over.  Then as we do each task, they smile and are happy that they know exactly what to expect.  

Start today with keeping your kids in the loop!

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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1Nov

Parenting should be renamed to “consistency-ing”

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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consistency

The one place where pretty much every parent has difficulty is in being consistent.   Children know this, and that is why they behave how they do.  They are looking for the cracks.  They want to know when and how you will cave.  But all you need to do is be consistent.

The best way we could all remember to be consistent is to change parenting to “consistency-ing”.  Then we’ll never forget.

So when your infant is waking and sleeping at all odd hours and you can’t get a schedule, remind yourself that you aren’t parenting, you are consistency-ing and after a week of doing about the same thing everyday and every night, your child will have a better schedule. 

So when you tell your children that this is the last story before bedtime, and then the children proceed to beg for “Just one more.  Pleeease. But mom….!  It’s not fair!!”  You can answer calmly “Sorry, this is part of consistency-ing”.  And after about five nights, they will know that they get two books before bed and that’s it.

And when your toddler is being a little pill and you say, “if you do that one more time then you are going to be removed from this situation,” and five minutes later, they do it one more time.  Then instead of ignoring it (which is “parenting”) scoop him up and remove him from the situation (which is “consistency-ing”). 

The amazing thing about “consistency-ing” is that it makes life so much easier.  All you have to do is be consistent 3-10 times and they get it.   Once they know that you are “consistency-ing” instead of parenting, they won’t need to ask as much because they already know the answer.   

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27Oct

Be the mom on the wagon (Anyone can adapt, any child can adapt)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Healthy Eating Sleep Unplugging
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Wagon

A difficult part of parenting is knowing that everything will change.  At times, it can bring comfort hence the ever popular “this too shall pass”.  But it can also bring anxiety when in not knowing how to handle situations.

For instance, many parents don’t want to introduce pacifiers or thumbs because sometime down the road, things will change and they will then have to take them away.   Or your dentist says that you can no longer give your child a bottle right before they go to bed, but then your children will scream and will never go to bed.  Or you gave your child an iPhone when they were tiny and now it’s all they want all the time and you want to restrict the use.

Here’s the good news; anyone can adapt, any child can adapt.

What ever change you want to introduce, you can do it! Your child can adapt to anything.  

I like to picture families traveling across the states during the gold rush in a covered wagon pulled by horses.  Then I like to put a modern family inside that wagon and I here, “Honey, the kids will never be able to take a nap if the wagon is bumpy or cold”.  “We can try to serve them beans for dinner, but I don’t think they’ll eat it.”  “If we don’t warm their milk enough, they’ll never drink it!”  

No, these families and these children had to adapt.  They had to sleep wherever and however they could.  They ate whatever was offered to them.  

Even though our situations today are much more comfortable, we have to remind ourselves that we don’t have to make our situations perfect.  

Over the last month, our house was under construction and it was loud.  So loud that the walls sometimes shook.  The first 3 days were very difficult.  Both of the boys cried and wanted to be held all the time.  We left the house as much as we could but we had to be home for nap time.  So let me tell you, I didn’t think that the boys would be able to nap, but they did, they adapted.

We are in a generation where we have options.  I could have said, “let’s not do the construction”.  I could have said, “You have to stop construction for two hours every day”.  But I know that mothers haven’t always had options.  I know that children can adapt.



Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child can no longer have a bottle before bed, pretend that you are on the trail, and you left your only bottle at the last camp.  You are not going to head back 20 miles and 2 days out of the way to collect one bottle.  Your child on the wagon has to adapt to not having a bottle.  There’s no other option. 

Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child is used to getting to eat whatever they want at dinner time and you can only cook one meal, pretend you are on the trail and that’s all the food you have.  Whatever is on their plate, they can eat and if they don’t want to eat that, then that’s fine, there will be food tomorrow.

Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child is screen addicted and wants the phone, ipad, tv or computer all the time, pretend you are on the trail and the only entertainment for them is the great outdoors or a book or playing with you or by themselves.  You can just say, “not now.”  “I don’t know where it is (hidden high in a closet)” or “oops!  it’s not working right now..”  

With all of these changes, your children will fuss, they will tantrum and they will scream.  Because it is an effective way for them to get what they want.  But be the mom on the wagon; even if they are screaming, you physically can’t get the bottle, more food or a new electronic toy.  Be consistent, stick with it and your children will adapt.  They will be fine with it once they realize that it is their reality.  
 

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24Oct

The Family Dinner and How it Could Change Your Life

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Healthy Eating Positive Parenting Unplugging
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family dinner

With all of the different parenting philosophies out there, a mother or father could get quite confused.  One group believes in one thing, while another group believes the exact opposite (when did parenting begin to mirror politics?)

But thankfully, there is one thing that everyone can agree on: the family dinner.

The family dinner is like the holy grail of parenting, you get this one down and you can check off a whole slew of other parenting struggles.

That’s because family dinners promote language development, communication, and nutrition.  It is the perfect time to be screen-free and it helps children build the skills they need to help overcome challenges.

When the entire family sits down to dinner once per week or more, then a lot of the other parenting woes such as behavior issues, communication issues and defiance tend to slip away.  The family is seen more as a unit and when children feel more a part of something, they are more likely to take care of it and respect it.
family dinner1A family dinner is also one that doesn’t include the television or other distractions.  It is totally fine to eat dinner in front of the television, as long as you do a family dinner without it at least once per week as well.  Hopefully, you have a space in your home where your whole family can sit and eat together.  If not, it is something worth investing in.

So how young can children be to be involved in the family dinner?  You can start once they are eating solids.  They don’t have to eat the same things that you are eating, but by the time they are 8-10 months old, they should start having part of the same dinner.  

And how old is too old to start a family dinner?  Any age works, you can introduce the topic and say “one night per week, we are all going to eat dinner together”.  If they are somewhat resistant to the idea, then make it special.  For instance, for the weekly family dinner, we get to make or take-out pizza, and then we all eat it together.

I often hear parents saying that they feed the kids first, then put the kids to bed and then eat.  That is a great way to have some alone time with your husband or to invite friends over, but it shouldn’t be the norm.   Whenever I hear that, I picture the children eating box macaroni and cheese and I picture the adults eating some steak and asparagus later.   The ideal is to eat all at the same time with macaroni and cheese, steak and asparagus.  The children will love eating what the adults are eating and if it is their first time trying asparagus and they don’t like it yet (they need 15-20 times to try it) then they have plenty of mac and cheese to eat.

Above and beyond the nutritional aspect of family dinners is the connectedness that children feel when they eat dinner together with the whole family.   A study was recently done about the “ties that bind us”  which showed that children who knew more about their family, and about their past were able to heal faster after trauma.  As a parent, I worry a lot about all the challenges and difficulties my children may face but to know that they have had all of these family dinners in their favor allows me to worry a little bit less.

And one last bonus: dinners out at restaurants are way easier because if it is part of your routine to sit and eat dinner all together, then little ones won’t be as squirmy and you will be able to enjoy your meal out so much more!

So if your children are young, don’t wait!  Start now with either a nightly or weekly family dinner and know that all the TV shows and other things can wait until after dinner and know that this little change can make a huge difference in your children’s lives.


This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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5Oct

Disappointment and the Power of a Toddler…

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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disappointment

From Wikipedia:

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest.

This definition describes every couple of minutes in a toddler’s life.  They don’t get what they want and they don’t like that.

But it is also a great teaching tool because as adults, we are well aware of disappointment too.   Unfortunately, it is a difficult concept to teach because toddlers are so young and they don’t quite get the concept.

So they cry.

And often we give in because we want to spare them the disappointment.  It can be as simple as they want their grilled cheese cut up.  You cut it up and “NOO!  I wanted it cut up this WAY!”  or “NOO! I wanted to cut it myself!!”  and honestly, you don’t care how it’s cut up so you take their grilled cheese and give them yours to try again.   They are happy and no more fussing.

But they didn’t get the opportunity to learn about disappointment in a very non-threatening way.  Instead of giving in, you can offer empathy.  You can say, “I’m sorry that it didn’t get cut how you wanted it.”  And then you can offer choices, “You don’t have to eat it that way if you don’t want to.”   They may even negotiate and try and take your sandwich but unfortunately, that’s not one of the options.  

It is healthy for a child to experience and learn about disappointment.   It is key part of development.

It is part of the balance of control between the parent and the child.  When the child has all of the control, they may not get disappointed, but they won’t benefit from having all the power. 

When a parent sets a limit, the child will undoubtedly be disappointed, but that is OK.  You can empathize and help the child learn about emotions as part of the process.  

Allow your child the opportunity to be disappointed today!

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5Oct

Fighting and siblings

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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fighting

At some point, every parent is going to come across this problem.  Even if you only have one child, they are going to have a conflict with another child.  And if you have two or more children, it may be a daily issue.

Some parents have asked me, “What do I do about fighting?”  Every situation is unique but conflict is inevitable and once we realize that and teach children how to resolve problems rather than try to eliminate all conflicts, we will all be better off.

At a very young age (starting at 12-18 months), children can start to do simple problem solving.  The most common reason for fighting is that both children want the same item.  Many parents will approach the situation by saying, “Stop fighting and share!”  This approach, however, does nothing to solve the problem or to teach children how to manage the conflict.

So the ideal response is to teach the children how to resolve it on their own.

First, mention the problem:  “What is the problem? You both want the blue truck.”

Second, give the children the language to advocate for themselves:  “Tell your sibling that you are using it right now.” (This can be done with sign language for really little ones which is a hand patting the heart which means “Mine” or “My turn”).

Third, give them the language to problem-solve: “What are some solutions? You can ask for a turn when they are done” (again the child can pat their heart or say “My turn” depending on the developmental level).

Once the parameters are set on whose turn it is now and who will get a turn soon, then you can guide the conversation in whatever direction works for that situation.  It may be, “What do you want to do while you wait for your turn?”  Or it may be finding a timer so that the turn taking is more concrete.

If the children are older and can help create solutions for the problem, then you can enlist them in finding one or two solutions each.  At the beginning, they will need coaching such as “One solution might be to have one sibling have a turn and then the other sibling have a turn.  Another solution might be to have Mom remove the toy from play.”

So your job at the beginning is to mediate the conflict resolution so that in a couple months (years) or so, they can do it on their own.

 

The second most common type of fighting is physical wrestling, pushing, hitting, etc.  Again, the most common response is for the parent to step in and end the altercation but if there isn’t an immediate danger, then it is more important to teach the children how to manage the conflict.  

Oftentimes, children like to play rough and you don’t want to step in.  You can monitor from the side to make sure no one gets hurt and then remind them that if one child says “stop!” or “no!” then that is the time to stop.  Remind the child who is probably whining or fussing that it is up to them to say “stop” or “no” and as soon as that word is said, it needs to be honored.  

So if the other child doesn’t stop, then they are not being safe and they are not listening which means that they need to be immediately removed from play whether in the shape of a time-out, or whatever works for your family.

Again, both of these scenarios take much longer than a quick, “No more fighting” but they give children more tools for dealing with conflict once an adult isn’t around.

 

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1Oct

Allowing our children to take risks (as scary as that may seem)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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hiking snow

Once our babies are born, we don’t dare to think of all the things that could happen to them.  We have dreams and nightmares at night of these fears of them getting hurt.  We try to protect them any way we can.

But that in itself, harms the child.

Humans need to push themselves, we need to take risks.

For a couple of years, I worked at a school in rural Costa Rica where 90% of the children were local Ticos and the other 10% were from other parts of the world.   In those two years, there were five accidents (broken bones, nothing too serious) and four of those accidents were from foreign children.

Why is it that 10% of the population had 80% of the accidents?  The answer is that the local children had been taking risks since they were very young.  The children there are allowed to play in the forest, climb trees, dig huge holes, play with big sticks, etc, while children here are gently reminded that they can’t do that because it isn’t safe.

But as children grow, the risks get bigger, and they often don’t know how to manage them, because they have never been given the chance.

Another important aspect to risk taking is allowing the child to find their limit.  This means that the child is more than welcome to climb something if they can do it all by themselves.  That also means that they can get out of the situation by themselves as well.  My boys will climb up on a rock and then ask me to help them down and my response is usually, “If you can get up, you can get down.”  It takes them a little bit to figure out how to extract themselves from the pickle they got themselves into, but they do it, and feel great afterwards.

Since they are young, I am there spotting them, but since there are two of them, I’m not always able to be within inches of them.  Because of this, they have learned that I won’t always be able to catch them.  They have actually learned to fall somewhat gracefully.

Studies have shown that children who take physical risks are more likely to take cognitive (academic) risks as well.  So this little change of allowing your children to take risks will have long term positive outcomes. 

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25Sep

Second guessing ourselves as parents

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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second guessing

There are so many ways to parent out there- attachment parenting, cry-it-out, organic versus non-organic, that it can make your head spin.  Not one of these ways is the absolute best or worst way to parent (although you may hear differently from fanatics).   

But one thing that any parent can avoid is second guessing their decision.  It is not good for children to have their parents backtrack after a decision is made.

I often hear, “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!”  Those words themselves tell me exactly what the problem is.  If you are trying everything, then you aren’t sticking with one thing until you see a change in behavior.  Consistency is what helps a child through a tough time because it builds stability.  

One issue that most parents deal with is helping their child sleep through the night.  Again, there are as many philosophies as there are book deals available, and no one philosophy is correct.  They all have good parts and bad parts.  But once you choose the philosophy, stick with it.  When your child is crying at 3 am, remember the words of your chosen philosopher and don’t go back on your decision.  It will be hard because if you chose a form of cry-it-out and you start to doubt yourself in the middle of the night, then you are just prolonging the process and confusing your child.  If you choose a form of co-sleeping and after a week decide that you can’t have them in the bed any longer, then you are just dragging it out.  

Same thing with disciplining.  There are many ways to discipline.  Choose one with your husband, and then stick with it.  Your children will thank you. 

I’ve been in situations where either me or my husband makes a disciplining decision off the cuff and we both immediately regret it.  But we look at each other and with a split second decision of solidarity, and we carry on through the bad parenting decision.

Why? Because it is important for the children to see us working as team (even with questionable parenting decisions) and it is important to be consistent.  Children feel safer with consistency and you build trust by following through with what you say you are going to do.

 

 

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