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2Feb

The second most important thing to help your child’s behavior- Empathy

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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(The most important thing you can do, by the way, is eat a family dinner together).

Often my posts are about changes you can make when working with your children to help create a better life for you and them.  But today, I’m going to talk a little bit behind the scenes with some “why’s” behind what we do.

Empathy is really such a cornerstone concept because it is super important for parents to have with their children and even more important skill for children to learn.

What is empathy?  My husband said that it is knowing how other people feel.  That in itself is correct, but it is so much more than that.

Empathy is understanding other people’s feelings and what is happening behind the feeling.

Empathy is putting yourself in other people’s shoes.

Let’s first talk about empathy, sympathy and compassion.

Empathy is understanding where someone is coming from.  It is the why behind the actions or behavior.

Sympathy is either feeling the same emotion or being able to feel the same emotion.

Compassion is wanting to help someone who is in need.

All three of these are very important but the one that gets forgotten the most is empathy.

Here are some examples:

With the war in Syria, we have empathy for the refugees. We understand why they are leaving their country.  We probably won’t be able to sympathize with them, unless we ourselves have had to leave our country under duress.  We will most likely have compassion for them and want to help.

However, we may also have empathy for the countries who are not taking in the refugees.  Why are they not helping?  If we look at the “why” behind their behavior we might read that they don’t feel like they have the resources to take in all the refugees.  They might even be afraid of what the future will look like with so many people who don’t have jobs or who speak the language.  If we look at the why’s behind their behavior, we might have empathy for these countries. Even though I may not agree with these countries, I can understand where they are coming from. I myself wouldn’t have sympathy for these countries because I believe that I would feel differently. And it certainly doesn’t mean that we have compassion for these countries.   If they are refusing entry to the refugees, they don’t deserve any compassion for their actions.

So the three are intertwined but can also be very separate.  When empathy becomes the most difficult, but most important, is when we see behavior that is undesirable.  In the first example, pretty much everyone would have empathy for the refugees, but in the second example, it is a bit more difficult to have empathy for countries refusing refugees entry.  We have to dig deep to find some empathy and figure out where the behavior is coming from.

When we have empathy for our children, our conflicts de-escalate, our connection builds and we can solve problems without all the fussing and fighting that often happens with people don’t get their way.

If your child doesn’t get a toy that they want, you can empathize with that.  They wanted something, they didn’t get it.  That sucks.  It sucks for us adults as well when we wanted a poppy seed bagel and we get to the bagel shop and they are all out.  We can empathize.  “You are bummed because you didn’t get that toy that you wanted.”  We can sympathize, “I feel the same way when I don’t get something I want.”  We can have compassion, “Would you like a hug?”

We also need to have tons of empathy when we are giving consequences.  We may be angry with our children when their behavior is unacceptable, but it is wiser and more effective to give consequences with a big ol’ dose of empathy.  Let’s say your one child has just smacked your other child after a particularly trying morning.  

Without empathy:

You can pick him up angrily and bring him into his room and say, “Don’t ever do that again!”

With empathy:

You can stop, say, “Uh oh.  I can’t allow you to hit anyone.  I know you wanted that toy, but you will have to go somewhere where everyone will be safe.” and carry him gently into his room.

And equally important as empathizing with our children is teaching them empathy.

How do we teach empathy?

First, we are empathetic with our children.  Then, we teach them problem solving skills which include looking at other solutions (seeing where the other child is coming from).  Thirdly, we talk about the why’s behind behavior.

For really young children, we can just point out the “why” behind the situation:

Without empathy:

“Stop fussing! You both need to share!”

With empathy:

“Look, Eliza wants a turn with the toy, too.”

Without empathy:

“Ugh, that child is so whiny.”

With empathy:

“Let’s give some of our snack to Melissa, I think she might be hungry.”

And for older children, it can be much more of a discussion:

Is someone bothering your child (a sibling or a child at school)? You can start the discussion with, “What do you think is going on?”   “Do you think that the other child wants what you have?”  “Do you think they might be lonely?”

When you look at the why’s behind the situation and help your child look at why someone is acting someway, then you are teaching them all about empathy.

Why does all this matter?

Just like blueberries are one of those super-foods, empathy is one of those super skills.  Children and adults who have empathy end up having more friends, getting better jobs, are better bosses, have better relationships and so on.   There is one caveat, however and that is that there is a study that says that the most powerful people in the world have less empathy than other people.  So if you want your child to be a ruler and be able to get power with any means necessary, then don’t teach her empathy.  But if you want her to be successful and happy, then use empathy yourself with your children and teach them how to be empathetic as well.

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13Jan

How to deal with a 2 year old (or three or four year old..)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior info-graphic Positive Parenting
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Here is an info-graphic that you can refer to, or print up which gives a summary of how to work with your child’s behavior.  

It includes minor transgressions, common behavior issues as well as more major safety issues. 

Many parents ask, “how can you be a positive parent, while also setting limits?”  and this info- graphic shows you a three- step approach where you can connect with you child while also holding your boundary.

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31Jul

You Think You Want to Spank Your Child? Think Again

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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spanking(20)

I realize that not too many people who follow me are ones who spank their children, but even if I’m just preaching to the choir, I still need to preach.

After reading all the news about the recent (and history of) police brutality, I have to speak from a parenting point of view.

Do not spank your children.

What does this have to do with people in a position of power harming other people?

Everything.

I write about discipline all the time and mostly my stance is on finding a balance between setting limits and positive parenting.  It is a confusing topic and parenting is tough, so there is a lot to say about it.   I rarely talk about the exertion of control over your children although it actually is a key part in understanding discipline and teaching positive skills to your children.  So when you look at the continuum of parenting styles, you’ll see authoritarian on one side, permissive on the other and unconditional or positive parenting somewhere in the middle.  But what separates one style from another is the amount of control, or the amount of power:Parenting styles (8)

Authoritarian parents tend to run on the idea that having complete control over your children helps their behavior.  Parents make the rule and parents enforce the rule.   And what is the most popular way to enforce rules? Spanking.

Most people can agree that this style of parenting stops undesirable behavior mostly in its tracks.  It might make a child upset or cry, but hey, parents can stop that behavior too with enough force.

The underlying, indisputable, persistent message to children with authoritarian parenting and spanking is:

It is never OK to hit, unless you are in a position of power or authority.

So with authoritarian parenting, children learn what is OK and what is not OK from a parent’s point of view.  This sounds like a good thing which is why so many parents choose to be authoritarian.  But they learn other lessons too, that might not be as desirable.  They learn that you can control other people who don’t have as much power through force.  They also learn that this kind of violence is somehow OK.

I am not a scientist, and I’ve only thought for about 5 minutes of actually getting a PhD, but if I were to do a dissertation, it would be on how many people who are in position of power and have abused that power were spanked as a child.

I don’t know how accurate the data would be since I was spanked as a child and I don’t go around asserting myself through force, but I do think that there is a relationship there.

So instead of requesting obedience through complete control and hitting your child, you can send them another message of working together to solve problems by giving the children some control.   Some food for thought…

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11Jun

Positive parenting isn’t permissive parenting

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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positive

A lot of families are turning to positive parenting these days because they want to leave the yelling, screaming and anger that can happen with parenting in the past.

But what ends up sometimes happening with positive parenting is that the parents become permissive parents.

Positive parenting is still strict parenting.

It is loving parenting, but it is not permissive parenting.

Let me explain:

Parenting is a confusing world to navigate.  Most of us are on board that we no longer hit or spank our children.  And everyone would love to never yell or be angry with our children.  But the in-between section is gray, nebulous and full of indecision.

But you don’t want to be indecisive and your children don’t want you to be indecisive either.

So you have to come up with a plan.  And the first place that parents look for advice is on the internet.  This is great because the internet has so much information, and this is overwhelming because the internet has so much information.

I often find articles that say, “time-outs are bad”, and “consequences are bad”.  I read these articles and they make me want to hug my children all the time.  But then I scour them for exactly what I’m supposed to do when my whole family is losing it.  They give advice like: get close to your children, or give them space, or talk them through their emotions.

I’m sure that this works for some families and it is probably the ideal way to raise your children, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work for me and I’ve spoken with many parents who also struggle with this type of positive parenting.  I’ve only seen it confuse children because they don’t know what the expectations and limits are.

What does work for children is setting limits in a loving way.

So let’s make a plan.  You set a limit that says, “We do not hit people.”  You talk it over with your child and say, “We take care of each other, we do not hit people.”  Then you let them know ahead of time what the consequence will be.  “If you are hitting, that is not safe and you will need to spend time in your room where you and everyone else will be safe. Then when you are calm, you can join us again.”

Then, when your child hits someone, you pick up your child and bring them to their room (or pack n play, or safe space where they can calm down) while you calmly say something like, “We take care of each other.  We do not hit. I need you to be safe.  You can join us again when you are calm and safe.”

In this manner, you weren’t punitive, you weren’t aggressive, you weren’t angry.  You were loving and you set a limit.  This is important for children because children who don’t have limits have to keep pushing and questioning boundaries until they do know what the limit is.   So you can set a limit, have a consequence and even give a time-out in a positive way.

Now your child will probably want to leave the time-out almost immediately. That’s OK by me.  If they are truly calm and they are safe, then they can follow you back out.  If they are thrashing and screaming, then they need more time.

I read all the time that isolating a child when their behavior is unacceptable is damaging for the child.  So, I have to ask myself what do I do when I am overwhelmed?  Yes, sometimes I like a good hug, but most of the time I just need a minute to myself.  So what do I do when I’m losing it?  I go into my room, or I go outside for a minute.  I give myself a “time-out” and that’s not damaging to me.  It helps me calm down.  And that is what we are teaching our kids to do when we do it in a calm way.

So the next time your child reaches a limit and you are giving a consequence,  you can give them a hug while you do it.  Say, “As soon as you are calm and can be safe, we would love to have you join us.”  Hug and consequence.

That is positive parenting.

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13May

Have you given your little one a foot rub lately?

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Sleep
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Boulder Child Whisperer

Man oh man.  When was the last time you got a good foot rub?  Probably way too long ago.  Well, if you aren’t getting any good foot rubs, at least your little one should be.

When my boys were babies, I really really wanted to take a massage for babies class.  I thought that it would validate me as a “good mother”.  But, alas, the cost of the class and the fact that I had two babies got in the way and I never took the class.

So for a while, I felt like a bad mother and kept putting off giving my baby a massage since I didn’t know the “right” way to give one and then one day, I just started rubbing my baby’s foot and his whole body melted in my hands.

Then it started to become part of our bedtime routine.  We couldn’t do it every night due to timing, but most nights that we didn’t do a bath, we did foot rubs.  Then came a time where they didn’t want a foot rub.  They would laugh and kick my hands and said it tickled.  We stopped doing it.

Then I remembered the foot rubs again and it changed the whole energy of the bedtime routine.

  • Foot rubs calm the whole nervous system of the child
  • Foot rubs are a great way of connecting.  If you have had an especially trying or tiring day, it is so nice to end it with a foot rub
  • I don’t know much about reflexology, but I love to imagine all the ailments that I must be curing while I’m giving a foot rub. (“And while I’m rubbing here, the tummy ache is going away…”)
  • They feel so good

So if you are having a great day or if you are having a horrible day, tonight give your kiddo a foot rub!

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24Apr

Let them see you work!

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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work

After years and years of parents not spending enough time with their children, we are seeing a backlash (only in certain cases) of parents not “working” in front of their children.   For many, many parents, this is not a problem as their children see them working all the time, but for some parents, they have let the pendulum swing too far in one direction and that can be damaging for the child. It manifests itself as:

  • I will wait until the children go to bed to clean the house, or I won’t clean the house at all.
  • I won’t make a phone call or use my phone in front of my children (there’s a lot of guilt surrounding this one especially after the viral post about moms on the phone came out)
  • I won’t go back to school because I don’t want to take that time away from my children
  • I will hire cleaners, personal chefs, lawn-mowers, etc to do the work

Parents have a lot of guilt around how much time they spend with their children.  We’ve all heard that saying about the one regret we had before dying was working too much and not spending enough time with our kids.   This rings true for any parent who is working 60 hours per week and then taking home work as well.  I’m not talking to those parents because I know how hard that is.  I tried it and it didn’t work for me, for my husband, for my kids or for my work.

I’m talking to parents who work part-time, work from home or are stay at home parents.  

I’m talking to parents who have guilt around doing work while their kids entertain themselves, or sit in a bouncy chair or do whatever while the parent gets things done. 

There are sweet sentiments out there about spending more time with you child and less time working on things around the house. If you aren’t spending anytime with your child, then it is a good reminder.  But if it is keeping you from getting things done and it is keeping your kids from seeing you work, then throw it away and find some balance.

This means that the kids are watching you do the laundry after breakfast, instead of everyone going and playing together in the backyard.

This means that the kids are sitting on the counter while you prepare dinner.

This means that you are relaxing with your husband after the children have gone to bed rather than doing all the housework.

This means taking an important phone call and reminding the kids that they need to wait a minute while you do a bit of work.

This means talking about how mom and dad work hard to take care of the family and that’s how we earn money to buy our food and our house.

This means talking about how we take care of each other and that means sweeping the floor after eating cereal, taking out the garbage all together, putting the dirty laundry in the washer, emptying the dishes, cutting the vegetables, etc.

This means that you find balance in a crazy world of parenting, and don’t spend all your days and nights working, but don’t leave all your work for when the children are sleeping.

This means children will understand that people have purpose in a family, that clothes need to be washed and how to wash them, that food doesn’t come from a box and that money doesn’t grow on trees.  Obviously, having them work with you and eventually on their own is the logical path that they will follow.   But this is the first step, it’s an important step- let them see you work!

 

 

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6Apr

Sibling rivalry and how to help your kids get along

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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sibling rivalry

If you are expecting another child or you already have multiple children, then you have two wishes for them: to be good friends and to not fight all the time.

Good luck.   However, there are several things you can do to facilitate a great relationship between them and fewer headaches for you.  The most important technique (and maybe the most overlooked) is to not pit them against each other.  You want to build them up as a team.   This can happen several ways:

Don’t ask them who did what

This is so common and it make sense, you want to know what happened when you walked out of the room for 5 minutes and now they are both upset and presumably, one of them is to blame and we need to know who.  But what this does is immediately asks one to get the other into trouble.  It immediately asks them to rat on the other and make everything worse.  You watched Breaking Bad right?  Ratting somebody out isn’t a good thing and certainly doesn’t gain points with anyone.  So when you walk in on siblings who are crying, wrestling, upset, etc., ask, “What is the problem?  How can we solve it?”  This way you are working towards a solution rather than stuck on blame.  And you know who was to blame? (probably both of them…or hunger, or tiredness)

Constantly talk about how they are so good to each other

Even if they aren’t.  This is the magic of positive thinking.  If they believe that they are great siblings, then they will be great siblings.  If you catch either one do anything for the other then talk about how they are taking such good care of their sibling.  Let them over hear you say to another adult how they are great siblings and always look out for the other one.  They will absorb that information like a sponge.

Help them problem solve

This is just an extended version of the first tip.  They are going to have opposing viewpoints, ideas and thoughts on just about everything.  One wants to go to the park and the other one wants to go to the pool.  One wants pizza for dinner and the other wants steak.  It takes a bit longer and it can be exhausting to talk them through problem solving but the benefit of having them work it out themselves before too long is SO worth it!

Let me break it down:

Child a: I want pizza!

Child b: No I want steak!!

You: OK, we have a problem, what is the problem? (Identifying the problem is the first step to them solving it on their own- if they can’t identify the problem they get stuck in you vs. me.  At first they will need lots of support in identifying the problem but will be able to do it by themselves after a while)

Child a: We want different things for dinner.

You: OK, what are some solutions?

Child b: We can have steak this time and pizza next time.

Child a: NO! That’s not a good solution!  I want pizza! We have pizza this time and steak next time!

You: Either of those solutions might work, or I have another solution: we can have neither and have grilled cheese instead.

(Other solutions depending on your parenting style can be that each makes their own dinner, go out to dinner so that they can get their own, have neither, have both, etc.   Be creative!)

Don’t force them to share when taking turns is more appropriate

Children feel resentful of siblings when they feel like the sibling is taking their stuff.  So be sure to never use the term “share” as a reason to give another child a toy.  There should be a handful of things that belong to only one child and can only be used by that one child.  Examples of these might be a lovey, a super special toy, or things that only fit a certain child like a bike.  The other child never gets to play with that one or two things.  Every thing else may “belong” to one child but can be used by all or belong to the whole family (like books, balls, dolls, trucks or blocks).  If it isn’t the special toy, then turns can be taken.  This doesn’t mean that a child has to give up a toy, just that the other child gets a turn when the first child is finished using it.

Enjoy them for their differences

Last but not least, your children will likely be complete opposites from each other.  This may mean that one of them is more like you and one of them is not like you at all.  Embrace those differences and don’t try to fight them.  I often find that spending time with the child who is less like me can be an eye-opening experience and I learn so much.   Also don’t comment on how you would like one to be more like the other.  For instance, if you are a clean freak and so is one child but the other one isn’t, refrain from saying, “Why can’t you help clean up like child A?”  Or if you love to go biking but only one child has that same drive then be sure to hold yourself back and not say, “Why don’t you like biking? Child B loves it!”  When you embrace their differences rather than point them out and get frustrated, they will embrace their differences as well!

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7Mar

“I just need a hug” works for both kids and adults

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Brotherly love 1

Sometimes in life, we are just feeling a bit off.  Often we know why- a bad day at work, car broke down, didn’t sleep well the night before; and sometimes we have no idea why we aren’t feeling that great.  Sometimes it is just a “wrong-side-of-the-bed type of day.”

This happens for kids and for adults and it is important to remember that sometimes we just need a hug.

This past week I was feeling sick and I was very grumpy.  It meant a lot of fussiness in the house from me and by example from my kids.  So I was reminding myself daily to sometimes stop the grumpiness by hugging.  No one was doing anything they shouldn’t, it was just a whiny week.

My husband was also there to just give me a hug.  He made me tea at night and we got through the grumpy week all in one piece.  Then he got sick this week and I forgot where I put my patience.

I realized this morning when everyone in the house was grumpy again that sometimes we just need a hug.  There wasn’t anything specific causing the gripes (other than maybe the full moon) and so it felt like the grumpiness was unfounded and shouldn’t be there.  But it was. And all we needed was a hug.

Patience and love for our kids and patience and love for the adults in our lives.  Sometimes we just need a hug.

 

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4Mar

“Sorry” is not a catch-all word

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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sorry 1

All children make mistakes.  It is a part of growing up.  A parent’s job is to teach children about making mistakes and what that means.

Sometimes children get angry and lash out; it too is part of growing up.  A parent’s job is also to work with children and their emotions and help them manage what they are feeling.

Even though I hear parents saying, “Say ‘You’re sorry!'”  to their kids all the time, sorry is not a catch-all word that works with both of these situations.

When “sorry” works:

If a child makes a mistake, or accidentally does something like drops something breakable, bumps into someone, or spills their drink, then they probably are remorseful and “sorry” is an appropriate response.  So teach your children to say sorry when they have accidentally done something wrong.

When “sorry” doesn’t work:

When a child gets angry or frustrated and acts out by pushing another child, or hitting their parent, or pinching their friend, it is highly unlikely that they are remorseful.  They are angry and they are acting out in their anger.  Teaching them to say “sorry” in this situation, teaches them that “sorry” solves the problem.

But “sorry” didn’t solve the problem, the other child or person has been hurt and your child probably still feels angry.  This is the time for parents to teach children about emotions and problem solving.

First: Help the child or children calm down.  (This is something that can be taught when the child is calm and then reinforced when they are angry, but that is another post) Look them in the eye and then talk about taking deep breaths and then take a deep breath with them. This will begin the process and allow the child to start problem solving.

Second: Talk about the problem: what happened? And ask all of the people involved.

Third: Find a solution.  The adult can offer some solutions (I like to offer really unattractive solutions like “How about we put the toy away since it is causing problems?  That’s one solution” ) and then the children can come up with solutions.  After a few ideas have been offered, a solution can be chosen.

If your child later feels bad about the whole situation, they can then apologize to the hurt party.  But sometimes I see children who want a toy, hit the other child to get the toy, and then say “sorry” as they walk away with it only because they have been taught to say “sorry” after every transgression.

This way takes a little bit longer but it teaches children emotional regulation, empathy and problem solving which could possibly be three of the most important life skills we need.

 

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23Feb

Equality vs. Equity (what to do with more than one kiddo…)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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equality vs equity

If you haven’t heard, “It’s not fair!”, then you are lucky.  Because it’s not fair.

Fairness is a tricky word and if you have ever been a teacher in a classroom with 25 or more children, you know the difference between equity and equality.  This is an important distinction with multiple children in your household as well.

Equality is everyone receiving the same thing or the same treatment.  Equality is giving everyone two pieces of pizza.

Equity is meeting everyone’s needs.  Equity is giving the child who eats more three pieces of pizza and the child who eats less one piece of pizza.

We all know that kids have different needs.  If you have siblings, think about how different your needs and wants are from your sister or brother.  Or how different your one child is from the other.

In many cases, one child will have more social needs and be more shy, possibly more likely to lash out, maybe less able to regulate emotions and one child will be more sociable with others, often kinder and more apt to smile.  To be equitable in this kind of family, you will have to give more energy to the child with higher social needs.

What does that look like?  If you are reading a bedtime story, then the child with higher needs always gets to sit in the middle of the lap and the other child gets to sit next to the lap.  Before bedtime, lay in the bed with the child who has higher needs for 7 minutes and in the bed with the child who has fewer needs for 5 minutes.   Now, in my family, we have been doing this since the dawn of time so they don’t know any different.

But if you have practiced equality instead of equity, you may hear some dissent.   So without going into too many details, you can just explain to them that you are making sure that everyone’s needs are met.

You are also teaching your children that everyone’s needs will be met and in a day or a month or a year, the other child may have higher emotional needs and they know that their needs will be met when that day comes.

I just finished reading Wonder by RJ Palacio and I won’t give much of the book away since you should definitely read it, but it is about a child with a lot of medical difficulties.  His sister has her say of the situation near the middle of the book and it really resonated with me.

She talked about how her parents never really gave her much attention.  They were always there for her brother.  But she didn’t become a horrible attention-starved person, but exactly the opposite.  She witnessed people caring for each other her whole entire life and she became the most caring person.   This is equity vs. equality in action.

As my kids have grown over the years, their needs have changed and they have switched at times.  Even when things are really rough, there is a sense of security of my kids knowing that I will do what I can to meet needs.

Fill your kids buckets to the top, some need more to fill and some need less, but all needs will be met.

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