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5Jan

“Taking turns” is the new “sharing”

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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taking-turns

It’s not really.  Taking turns and sharing are two different things but in the world of toddlers and parenthood, we need to put the focus on taking turns and take the pressure off of sharing.

Let’s look at this from an adult point of view:

Taking turns is: I’m using the computer right now and when I’m done writing emails, you can use it to watch youtube videos.

Sharing is: Let’s split this chocolate brownie in half so we can each have some.

In both of these cases, both adults are satisfied with the results and everyone is happy!

Now let’s look at this from a toddler point of view:


Taking turns is:  There is one toy that both children want.  One child gets a turn and when that child is finished, the other child gets a turn.

Sharing is: play-dough that both children can use at the same time so one child gives a piece to the other child so that they can each have some.

In both of these cases, both children are satisfied and their needs are being met and everyone is happy!

Now let’s take a look at what sharing isn’t: Telling a child that they must give something up in the name of “sharing”.  This only creates frustration.  If your husband or wife came up to you while you were writing emails and said, “You need to share the computer” and then took if from you, you would be frustrated.  Children feel the same way.  

Don’t make them give up their toy in the name of sharing!

Children have difficulty waiting their turn for the toy but they can do it!  This is a great time to introduce the sign for waiting which is wiggling your fingers.  

So the interaction might look like this:

Two young children:  (screaming and grabbing toys!)

Adult: It looks like it is Maria’s turn.  Max, would you like a turn after Maria?

Max: No! It’s my turn!

Adult: So you don’t want a turn after Maria?

Max: Wait, yes!  I do want a turn.

Adult: Maria, can you give Max a turn when you are finished?

Maria: No, It’s my turn!

Adult: Yes, you are using it now; can Max use it when you are done?

Maria: Um, ok.

Adult: Max what would you like to do while you are waiting? Do you want to read a book with me?

This is written for two toddlers who have vocabulary, but works just as well for children who are non-verbal as children can understand this at much younger ages.  

The idea is to teach them the language so that eventually they can manage themselves.  This is particularly important for siblings.   This takes a lot of work in the beginning but eventually your children will be able to play together because they will be respectful to each other and not take each others toys in the name of “sharing.”

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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5Oct

Fighting and siblings

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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fighting

At some point, every parent is going to come across this problem.  Even if you only have one child, they are going to have a conflict with another child.  And if you have two or more children, it may be a daily issue.

Some parents have asked me, “What do I do about fighting?”  Every situation is unique but conflict is inevitable and once we realize that and teach children how to resolve problems rather than try to eliminate all conflicts, we will all be better off.

At a very young age (starting at 12-18 months), children can start to do simple problem solving.  The most common reason for fighting is that both children want the same item.  Many parents will approach the situation by saying, “Stop fighting and share!”  This approach, however, does nothing to solve the problem or to teach children how to manage the conflict.

So the ideal response is to teach the children how to resolve it on their own.

First, mention the problem:  “What is the problem? You both want the blue truck.”

Second, give the children the language to advocate for themselves:  “Tell your sibling that you are using it right now.” (This can be done with sign language for really little ones which is a hand patting the heart which means “Mine” or “My turn”).

Third, give them the language to problem-solve: “What are some solutions? You can ask for a turn when they are done” (again the child can pat their heart or say “My turn” depending on the developmental level).

Once the parameters are set on whose turn it is now and who will get a turn soon, then you can guide the conversation in whatever direction works for that situation.  It may be, “What do you want to do while you wait for your turn?”  Or it may be finding a timer so that the turn taking is more concrete.

If the children are older and can help create solutions for the problem, then you can enlist them in finding one or two solutions each.  At the beginning, they will need coaching such as “One solution might be to have one sibling have a turn and then the other sibling have a turn.  Another solution might be to have Mom remove the toy from play.”

So your job at the beginning is to mediate the conflict resolution so that in a couple months (years) or so, they can do it on their own.

 

The second most common type of fighting is physical wrestling, pushing, hitting, etc.  Again, the most common response is for the parent to step in and end the altercation but if there isn’t an immediate danger, then it is more important to teach the children how to manage the conflict.  

Oftentimes, children like to play rough and you don’t want to step in.  You can monitor from the side to make sure no one gets hurt and then remind them that if one child says “stop!” or “no!” then that is the time to stop.  Remind the child who is probably whining or fussing that it is up to them to say “stop” or “no” and as soon as that word is said, it needs to be honored.  

So if the other child doesn’t stop, then they are not being safe and they are not listening which means that they need to be immediately removed from play whether in the shape of a time-out, or whatever works for your family.

Again, both of these scenarios take much longer than a quick, “No more fighting” but they give children more tools for dealing with conflict once an adult isn’t around.

 

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14Jul

Take care of yourself, others and environment

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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Brotherly love

If you break it down, there are really only three rules for living:

*Take care of yourself

*Take care of others

*Take care of your environment (the things around you)

Any transgression can fall into one of these three rules. 

Your child is grabbing the cat’s tail? No- because we take care of others.  

Your child is throwing a toy? No- because we take care of our things. 

Your child refuses to brush their teeth? No- because we take care of ourselves.  

These work for adults too and as I remind my children, it is a good self reminder to treat myself with respect, to be good to my husband and children, and to be good to my world by remembering my reusable bags. 

It is a consistent and gentle way to remind children about behavior without nagging.  You can also reinforce this by noticing ways that the family is following those rules.  An easy one is “Mom is working right now to help take care of the family”.  But other ones that are equally as effective are “Dad is making breakfast and taking such good care of us!” or “Thanks for feeding the dog, that is taking good care of Rover” or “We don’t eat food in the living room because we want to take good care of our house.”  

It honestly doesn’t get old like other more trite behavior modifiers and I really appreciate it when my husband gushes “Mama takes such good care of all of us!” 

 

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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26Jun

Simplify your life: teach problem solving skills!

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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Problem solving

Bed time not working? Problem solve!  Leaving the house takes forever?  Problem solve!  Kids want the same toy? Problem solve!  You don’t have enough snack? Problem solve!

Problem solving is an essential skill for life so how young can a child learn this skill and how in the world do we teach it?  

Amazingly enough, researchers say that children as young as 18 months can learn how to solve problems.  Imagine what this would do for you; fewer fights with siblings and parents, more independence, higher self-esteem, more self-reliance, and the list goes on and on not to mention higher thinking skills for school.

So we know all the benefits of having problem solving skills, but how do we teach it? 

First and foremost, it takes patience.  If you solve the problem then it is much much quicker, but if you step back and just ask questions, it may take a lot longer, but the child builds the skills for solving their own problems.

For children who are very young (under two) you can start teaching it by looking for something that is lost.  “Where is it?” can be heard over and over again in houses with very young children. It would take just seconds for you to find their missing shoe, favorite toy or family pet, but it wouldn’t teach any skills.  If you have the patience to take ten minutes to find that shoe (I promise you, the people who are waiting for you won’t care, and if they do, tell them you were teaching your child problem solving skills).  

As the child gets older, bigger problems will arise such as taking turns with toys, not getting their way, boredom, disagreements with friends and the list goes on…

Problem solving skills are also essential for dealing with problems that are affecting the whole family such as bedtime or getting out of the house in the morning.

The steps for solving problems are as follows:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. What are some solutions?
  3. What solution did we choose?
  4. Did that solution work?

Let’s start with what is the problem?

The first step in problem solving is always naming the problem.  Once children can name the problem, they stop worrying about blame or past grievances and can move towards solving what is wrong.

When there is a conflict, our first reaction is to jump in and start yelling.  But if we stop and either say, “uh oh” (for younger kiddos)  or “What is the problem?” (for older kiddos)  Then we are asking our children to start thinking about what is happening.

I’m gonna go out on limb here and say that with children under the age of five, 99.97% of problems are around both children wanting the same thing.  So that makes this part easy.  You say, “Uh oh, you both want the red car” or “What is the problem?” and if they aren’t sure, “Did both of you want the swing with the blue seat?” 

Once the problem is named, what are some solutions?

Chances are, the children are too young or don’t have exposure to problem solving skills so for a good while, you will have to narrate and give them the language to problem solve. 

So you can start with, “I have an idea (or I have a solution); we can put the red car away so that nobody will fuss over it” (I always give the worst solution first so that children don’t automatically jump on it and then they have to think.  It shows them that there is always more than one idea and often it is the one that we go with if we can’t find agreement.)

Then you can ask for other ideas and again if they are younger or not sure, offer ideas. “Or we can let child A have the car for a couple of minutes and then child B can have the car.”  When child B fusses, switch the order.  Now we have gone through three possible solutions and still no one is happy.  This is where it gets fun.  This is where you can get really creative and eventually teach your children to do the same.  Say, “OK, here’s another idea, we could paint another car red and then you both have red cars.  Or we could make another red car out of paper and then we would have two. OR (and it’s fun to see how crazy you can get) we could saw the red car in half and you can each have half!” (make sure it is something you can really do (or at least try) in case they choose that option.)

Then you have to pick one solution.  If there is no agreement, then the parent can choose one, and the parent usually chooses the least desirable option.

Then implement and later you can ask the children, did that solution work?

Since each problem is different, each solution will be different as well and this is where you and your child can get very creative.  Again, it takes so much longer to have a child solve a problem and usually the solution is not one that you would choose, but it is one of the most important skills they can learn.

You can then use these steps to solve any problem that comes up in your family. 

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