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15Mar

How to Connect With Your Child When They are Misbehaving

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
2 Comments

Right now, I’m reading No Drama Discipline by Daniel J Seigel and Tina Payne Bryson and I can recommend it for all the parents who have a little bit of free time.  For all the parents who don’t have a ton of free time, I will write about some of the most important concepts that I got from the book.

First of all, the authors don’t actually recommend using consequences because positive parenting and attachment parenting have been moving rapidly away from that word. However, they explicitly state that limits need to be set and boundaries need to be made.  So instead of using the word consequence, they talk about problem solving, and natural consequences (which don’t include the parent having power over the child).

Both problem solving and natural consequences are great ways to set limits, but as I talk with many parents, the reality is that they use those when they can and when they can’t, they need another tool that is quick and already at their fingertips.  

This tool would be first connect, then consequence.

This technique allows you to parent in a positive way because you are connecting with your child when they need you.  But you are also setting limits and letting them know that their behavior isn’t OK.  And that is where the balance is.

First connect, then consequence:

There are three main ways to connect:

1. Give an explanation

This is more for younger children who don’t have as much language, but can be for older children as well.  An explanation is more respectful than “Because I said so.”  The explanation shouldn’t be long and drawn out.  You set the limit and then add just a couple words to explain why we are setting the limit.  

2. Ask for input

This is the best technique for keeping a balance of control.  You set the limit and then ask them for a little input.  Would they like to do something instead or would they like to do what they are doing in a place or way that would be appropriate.

3. Check emotions

This is a great technique to teach empathy.  After setting the limit, you can suggest a possible emotion if the child is younger, or you can ask about their state of being if they are older.

Let’s look at a couple of scenarios:

You are making breakfast and your husband is rushing out the door asking for you to help him with something and your child throws something or hits something and starts screaming.

You need to set a limit and let your child know that hitting, throwing and screaming aren’t OK.  You don’t have time to problem solve so to set the limit, you first connect and then consequence.  

  1. Give an explanation

“No hitting or throwing, that isn’t safe.  I need to help your papa and make breakfast now.  If you do that again, I’m going to have to find a place for you where everyone will be safe.”

2. Ask for input

“We don’t hit or throw things. Would you like a soft ball to throw instead? (for younger children)   Do you want to help me make breakfast or what would you like to do instead? (for older children).  If you do that again, I’m going to have to find a place for you where everyone will be safe.”

3. Check emotions

“You may not hit or throw things.  You may be upset that I can’t help you right now. (for younger children)   Are you hungry?  What’s bothering you? (for older children).  If you do that again, however, I will have to find a place for you where everyone will be safe.”

As families move more towards using positive parenting and attachment parenting, setting limits and boundaries becomes increasingly more confusing if you aren’t allowed to use consequences.  So in order to remain positive and build your relationship with your child rather than tear it down, while still setting limits you:

First connect, then consequence.

I love this book, because it is very clear about setting limits and I really feel like that is the part that parents struggle with the most.  But it is also very clear that if you go right into setting the limit and giving a consequence then you are losing out on building your relationship with your child and helping them learn.

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2Mar

Why You Should Never Bribe- Except These Three Times

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Bribe

We know as adults that bribing doesn’t feel good; it doesn’t feel right.  If our boss were to say, “If you’d stay a couple of hours later tonight, I’ll bring you a chocolate cake tomorrow”; we’d probably stay and do the extra work but deep inside we might be thinking, “gosh, I didn’t need him to offer the chocolate cake, I would have stayed anyway.”

It feels even weirder when someone in our family bribes us.  If our spouse were to say, “If you were to keep the house a bit cleaner, then you’d get a special ice cream.”  Well, wow.  First of all, it feels weird that they think they have the power over us to do that.  Second of all, they can help clean the house. Third of all, I’d like something special because you enjoy the time you spend with me, not because I clean the house.  Lastly, I do the best I can to clean the house.  I would have grave concerns about my marriage if this ever happened.

And what about rewards? Rewards are just another type of bribe.  A child who gets a prize for good behavior is the same thing as bribing a child.

There are two reasons why bribing doesn’t feel right to us and isn’t appropriate for most reasons when working with young children.

Bribing affects long-term relationships

One example of this is when parents bribe their children for eating.  If you eat all of your dinner, then you can have dessert.  This is by far one of the most common bribes that parents use.  It works, it is easy and it gets the job done.  However, it affects the child’s lifelong relationship with food. It gets to the point where the child demands dessert, the entire meal is plagued with negotiation and frustration and as they get older they idolize sweets as the end-all-be-all.

Instead of bribing children with dessert, you have a couple of options: 1) Offer the dessert (fruit, sweet muffin, or even a cookie) with dinner.  This will seem very strange at first and the child will eat the dessert first, but then continue to eat the dinner without a fuss.  Or: 2) The child is done eating when they are full.  Sometimes there is something sweet after dinner and sometimes there isn’t.  It really models how we want to be as adults and again, it will be strange at first, especially if everyone is used to bribes, but it really does work.

A second example of how bribing affects life long relationships is when a parent offers a treat for a certain behavior.   Sometimes parents will say, “I have a treat in the car for you if we leave right now.”   When we try to control another person’s behavior through bribes, we are saying two things; 1) I have all of the control and you have none and 2) people can be manipulated by giving them things.

We want our children to build life long positive relationship with their family members as well as everyone around them.  They can’t build positive relationship by controlling other people and using ‘treats’ to control them.  There needs to be some equality in the amount of control to have a positive relationship and gifts should be given because of the joy it brings, not because it can manipulate people.

Bribing affects intrinsic motivation

This one is pretty obvious and we all know it, and yet, we still bribe our children.  When we ask them to do something with a reward at the end, we are teaching them to do things based on what they will receive rather than how it will make them feel.  We are separating them from the essential skill to decide to do things for themselves.

The pipe dream for most parents is for children to be OK (or even want to) help out with chores, or do their homework.  These are the types of jobs that we want our children to be motivated intrinsically to do.  So the worst thing to do is bribe them for these behaviors.  This will make them want to do them even less.  What you need to so is build these behaviors into your daily life.  Show them that mom and dad do their chores and their work without fussing.  Talk about how nice the house is or how the family can support themselves when they do a good job.

I’m not saying that you can’t set a limit.  For instance, if you child needs to clean up after dinner and you don’t want to bribe him by saying, ‘if you clean up, you can get a treat’, you can say, ‘We all clean up after ourselves. Once you clean up, we can have play time.’  or another option is, ‘We all clean up after ourselves.  I’d be happy to do it for you, but then I won’t have time to help you read a book before bedtime.’

But you don’t want to be saying, ‘We need to leave the park now.  If you get into the car, I’ll get you an ice cream.’  Instead, you can say, ‘We need to leave the park now.  Would you like to come back again next week?’  I’m not saying that your child won’t fuss simply because you ask them if they want to go back to the park again.  They will, and fussing is OK.  Your children have emotions and being upset that they have to leave is an acceptable emotion.  You can comfort them by saying, ‘I know, I love to come to the park too and leaving can be hard.  Do you want to come back next week?’

When are the three times bribing is OK and why?

The three times that it is OK to bribe your children is potty training, working with children with special needs and during or after big physical feats.

Potty training

Pretty much every parent talks about using M&M’s during potty training but most parents don’t know why.   Let’s first look at the two reasons we don’t want to bribe; long-term relationships and intrinsic motivation.  Potty training is neither of these.  Your child won’t have a long-term relationship with learning how to pee and poop.  It may take years to finally stop having accidents, but the act of usually getting our waste into the toilet is short-lived.  There are also no problems with children not having enough intrinsic motivation using the bathroom.  We don’t hear older children saying, “I really should use the bathroom, but I just can’t motivate myself to do it.”

Because potty training doesn’t go against building a long-term relationship or intrinsic motivation, it is perfectly fine to use bribing to get results.

Children with special needs

I have spent many years working with children with special needs and although all children are different, there are a lot of children who benefit from using rewards for certain behaviors.  For children who are on the autism spectrum, they develop relationships differently than typically developing children.  The way that they build relationships aren’t always harmed by using rewards.  They also have a different way of being motivated.  Their brains work differently and I have found that using rewards and bribes only affects them in a positive way rather than in a negative way.

During or after a big physical feat or getting something special for doing something special

Let’s again look at the two reasons to avoid bribing, long-term relationships and intrinsic motivation.  If you were to offer an energy pill (skittle or small candy) during a bike, hike or ski, then you are not affecting any long-term relationships. Your child will learn that a little food during a physical activity helps with energy, which is absolutely scientifically correct.

Or if you were to offer a trip to the ice cream parlor after a big bike ride or after the swim race, then you  aren’t affecting long-term relationships or intrinsic motivation.  The child will still perform just as well during the bike ride or the swim race, with or without the ice cream.   And they may associate a big physical day with something fun at the end which is an OK association.  How many of you go out for a yummy meal after a big hike, bike ride or climb?  We certainly do.  It is enjoying life and celebrating all of the things we are physically able to do.

Treats vs. bribing

Just like rewards are the same thing as bribes (you do this and you get that) treats are very different.  Treats are simply for the sake of something special.  This definition does it more justice than I ever could:

“An event or item that is out of the ordinary and gives great pleasure.”

Life isn’t just about abstaining ourselves from enjoying treats.  Treats by their very nature are special things to have every once in a while.  As soon as we are giving out treats for every behavior, they are no longer treats by definition.

So taking your children out for an ice cream every once in a while, or getting a new toy at the store, “just because” are encouraged.  Just don’t attach them to any behavior and you won’t be negatively affecting any long-term relationships or intrinsic motivation.

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17Jan

Just change this one thing for positive behavior

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Videos
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You want to be more of a positive parent, but you still don’t want your child to get away with everything.  So what do you do?  Basically, all the same things, just take away the anger.  This can really only be a video post since I’m suggesting that you do everything you do as a parent the same as you do now, but without the anger and since you can’t show much emotion writing, it may be hard to explain:

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13Jan

How to deal with a 2 year old (or three or four year old..)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior info-graphic Positive Parenting
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Here is an info-graphic that you can refer to, or print up which gives a summary of how to work with your child’s behavior.  

It includes minor transgressions, common behavior issues as well as more major safety issues. 

Many parents ask, “how can you be a positive parent, while also setting limits?”  and this info- graphic shows you a three- step approach where you can connect with you child while also holding your boundary.

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14Jul

The Reality of Time In vs. Time Out

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Parental Support Positive Parenting
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Time in time out

Parents:

Let’s make a plan.

If you have ever been on the internet, then you have heard that giving a time out is a horrible thing.  It is not.

You have heard that connecting with your child during a fit or a tantrum is a better thing.  That is correct.

So let’s make a plan:

When we are calm, we have had good sleep and we have lots of patience in our hearts, let’s plan to stop when our child starts to tantrum.  Let’s plan to get down on their level.   Let’s plan to check in with them and try to figure out what need is not being met.  Let’s plan to do this for at least one tantrum or fit per day.

But then let’s let reality in. Let’s realize that maybe we didn’t get enough sleep last night.  Let’s remember that we might also be arguing with our spouse when the child melts down.  Let’s remember that we are in the middle of making dinner, we are hungry and crabby and let’s have plan B set in place.

Because the reality is that although we want to always connect with our children, it isn’t physically possible and we don’t know what to do when we are at our wit’s end.

Plan A: Time -In (Stop, breathe, connect with child until need is met or tantrum subsides)

Plan B: Time – Out (Stop, breathe, give child 2 warnings in a calm voice and then remove child from the situation until they are calm)

This type of parenting is positive parenting with limits.  It lives in reality.  Even though we want to connect with our child every time they act up, it just isn’t possible.

This is similar to so many aspects of parenting:

Birth:

-Plan A- natural birth with lots of skin to skin contact

-Plan B- Epidural, emergency C-Section and skin to skin contact as soon as possible

Breastfeeding:

-Plan A- exclusive breast-feeding until child self-weans

-Plan B- Breastfeeding with pumping and formula until child is a year old

Attachment parenting:

-Plan A- Never let child cry, carry everywhere

-Plan B- When child A is crying, feel bad for child B who is crying, Carry as much as possible

 

All of Plan A’s are based on what is best for the child and what we should do when everything is going right.  I always plan for A.  I always want what is best for my children.  There is a ton of research behind Plan A.  But when Plan A falls through, we cannot shame for Plan B.   I feel so lucky that I have been able to do Plan A for about half of my parenting goals, but I do my best everyday to not shame myself when it switches to Plan B.

The same thing is true for tantrums.  Whenever I read an article about Time-In or connecting with your child during tantrums, 90% of comments say “What a great reminder!”  “I’ll have to remember this!”  “Thanks so much for writing this- it’s beautiful!”  So far, I have yet to read a comment that said, “I do this 100% of the time with my children.”  Because you can’t.  Because it is a reminder.  It is a shout-out for Plan A.  Now if we could only have the article stop after they tout the benefits of Plan A and not allude to ruining your children with Plan B (because you won’t).

So let’s make a plan:

Let’s plan to meet as many of our children’s needs as possible.

Let’s plan to teach them calming down techniques when they are calm and happy (breathing, taking space, etc)

Let’s plan to make clear limits and boundaries that everyone is aware of.

Let’s plan to stop, breathe and connect with our children during a tantrum at least once per day.

Let’s plan to understand that at some point during the day, we will not have any more patience.

Let’s plan to have a safe space in the house where the child can go when they are upset and they can practice calming down.

Let’s plan to calmly give them 2 warnings before removing them from the situation (ie giving them a time out)

Let’s plan to calmly bring them to their safe place (most likely bedroom, but plan ahead if that space isn’t ideal) when they are unable to calm down and you are unable to connect.

We need to have a plan, because when we don’t, we can’t be consistent and the behavior only gets worse.  We need to follow-through with our plan, but we can only do that when we have one set in place.  So make a plan today with your spouse and cover all the angles so that you know what to do when the poop hits the fan.  This is the way to help your child and help their behavior.

Let’s have a plan in place.

 

Plan A: Time In– connect with your child

Plan B: Time- Out– give space to everyone

 

 

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11Jun

Positive parenting isn’t permissive parenting

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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positive

A lot of families are turning to positive parenting these days because they want to leave the yelling, screaming and anger that can happen with parenting in the past.

But what ends up sometimes happening with positive parenting is that the parents become permissive parents.

Positive parenting is still strict parenting.

It is loving parenting, but it is not permissive parenting.

Let me explain:

Parenting is a confusing world to navigate.  Most of us are on board that we no longer hit or spank our children.  And everyone would love to never yell or be angry with our children.  But the in-between section is gray, nebulous and full of indecision.

But you don’t want to be indecisive and your children don’t want you to be indecisive either.

So you have to come up with a plan.  And the first place that parents look for advice is on the internet.  This is great because the internet has so much information, and this is overwhelming because the internet has so much information.

I often find articles that say, “time-outs are bad”, and “consequences are bad”.  I read these articles and they make me want to hug my children all the time.  But then I scour them for exactly what I’m supposed to do when my whole family is losing it.  They give advice like: get close to your children, or give them space, or talk them through their emotions.

I’m sure that this works for some families and it is probably the ideal way to raise your children, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work for me and I’ve spoken with many parents who also struggle with this type of positive parenting.  I’ve only seen it confuse children because they don’t know what the expectations and limits are.

What does work for children is setting limits in a loving way.

So let’s make a plan.  You set a limit that says, “We do not hit people.”  You talk it over with your child and say, “We take care of each other, we do not hit people.”  Then you let them know ahead of time what the consequence will be.  “If you are hitting, that is not safe and you will need to spend time in your room where you and everyone else will be safe. Then when you are calm, you can join us again.”

Then, when your child hits someone, you pick up your child and bring them to their room (or pack n play, or safe space where they can calm down) while you calmly say something like, “We take care of each other.  We do not hit. I need you to be safe.  You can join us again when you are calm and safe.”

In this manner, you weren’t punitive, you weren’t aggressive, you weren’t angry.  You were loving and you set a limit.  This is important for children because children who don’t have limits have to keep pushing and questioning boundaries until they do know what the limit is.   So you can set a limit, have a consequence and even give a time-out in a positive way.

Now your child will probably want to leave the time-out almost immediately. That’s OK by me.  If they are truly calm and they are safe, then they can follow you back out.  If they are thrashing and screaming, then they need more time.

I read all the time that isolating a child when their behavior is unacceptable is damaging for the child.  So, I have to ask myself what do I do when I am overwhelmed?  Yes, sometimes I like a good hug, but most of the time I just need a minute to myself.  So what do I do when I’m losing it?  I go into my room, or I go outside for a minute.  I give myself a “time-out” and that’s not damaging to me.  It helps me calm down.  And that is what we are teaching our kids to do when we do it in a calm way.

So the next time your child reaches a limit and you are giving a consequence,  you can give them a hug while you do it.  Say, “As soon as you are calm and can be safe, we would love to have you join us.”  Hug and consequence.

That is positive parenting.

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2May

It’s not that you lost your s#%t, it is about how you can calm down

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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lost

Perhaps some people will disagree with me since learning to live a more mindful life is to not lose your stuff all the time (which is partially true), but if you have young children, I don’t know how you can get through a day without either you or them losing their s*$t.

So in my life, it isn’t about whether you lose you s#%t, it is about how you can calm down afterwards.

Part of our job as parents is to teach children how to control their emotions.  Toddlers can lose their stuff over just about anything.  We often think that we have failed when our children lose their s#*$&, but we haven’t; it is totally normal.  Our job isn’t to keep them from going off the deep end, it is teaching them how to come back.

As parents. we too, are often pushed to the emotional edge with our toddlers and we need to practice working on our own emotions.   Lots of parents practice “not-yelling” at their children and although I succeed at not-yelling the majority of the time, there are times when I lose it and I yell.  Loud.

That’s OK.  Just like it is OK for your little one to go off.

This is a great teaching moment for everyone.  Once you lose it, how do you calm down?

Do you:

  • Leave the room?
  • Take some deep breaths?
  • Ask for a hug?
  • Go outside for a minute?
  • Go for a walk?

These are all acceptable ways to deal with losing your s#$t and it is perfectly acceptable to talk about it with your children.  In fact, it is encouraged that you process what happened to you with your children so that they can learn how to deal with their s%$t.

This is how children learn to calm down, by watching their parents lose their s#$t and then calming down themselves and talking about it afterwards.

“I was pretty upset this morning wasn’t I?” (This is you talking to your toddler not the other way around, although wouldn’t that be pretty awesome?!?)

“I felt overwhelmed by all the things that needed to happen in a pretty short amount of time and I got upset and I yelled.”

“But then, once we were all in the car, I took some deep breaths and I was able to calm down.”

This is part of the problem solving process, identifying the problem (I lost it) and then finding solutions (taking some time, breathing deeply, getting a hug).  This is also part of the process of self-care.  Acknowledging that it is OK to lose it and then taking steps to bring your emotions back into balance.

We can’t expect our children to not get upset and we can’t expect ourselves to never get upset.  So when it does happen, it is really important that we have the tools to be able to calm down and that we can pass those tools on to our children.

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7Mar

“I just need a hug” works for both kids and adults

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Brotherly love 1

Sometimes in life, we are just feeling a bit off.  Often we know why- a bad day at work, car broke down, didn’t sleep well the night before; and sometimes we have no idea why we aren’t feeling that great.  Sometimes it is just a “wrong-side-of-the-bed type of day.”

This happens for kids and for adults and it is important to remember that sometimes we just need a hug.

This past week I was feeling sick and I was very grumpy.  It meant a lot of fussiness in the house from me and by example from my kids.  So I was reminding myself daily to sometimes stop the grumpiness by hugging.  No one was doing anything they shouldn’t, it was just a whiny week.

My husband was also there to just give me a hug.  He made me tea at night and we got through the grumpy week all in one piece.  Then he got sick this week and I forgot where I put my patience.

I realized this morning when everyone in the house was grumpy again that sometimes we just need a hug.  There wasn’t anything specific causing the gripes (other than maybe the full moon) and so it felt like the grumpiness was unfounded and shouldn’t be there.  But it was. And all we needed was a hug.

Patience and love for our kids and patience and love for the adults in our lives.  Sometimes we just need a hug.

 

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15Feb

With discipline, you actually want your child to choose the wrong answer

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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wrong answer

I know, this sounds completely counter-intuitive, but it works and here is why:

Children want to find limits.  They want to know what is right and what is wrong.  So at some point in raising a child, you are going to say, “If you throw your food one more time, I will take your food away”.  Instinctively, you want the child to stop throwing food, but for discipline’s sake start chanting in your head, “Throw the food!  Throw the food!”

If your child throws the food- then they learn that there is a consequence.  The food gets taken away.

If they don’t ever throw the food, then they haven’t learned anything.  They don’t know what actually happens when food is thrown and so they will be more likely to throw it in the future to find out how we react.

Here’s another example:

Situation 1:

My son doesn’t want to get out of the bath.  I totally understand that.  I say, “If you want time for a story before bed, you’ll need to get out of the bath now.”  Perfect, that should get him out.  It didn’t.   I say, “OK, I’m going to give you one more chance to get out…”  Then 30 seconds later say, “This is your last chance.”  I start to walk away saying, “OK, no story then…” and my son puts down his bath toys just in the nick of time and gets out of the bath.  Hooray!  He gets a story!!

But he didn’t learn anything except that he can probably get away with about 4 more minutes of playing once I say it’s time to stop.  He will continue this behavior for the next 100 baths.  And I will be asking myself why my children never listen to me.

Situation 2:

My son doesn’t want to get out of the bath.  I totally understand that.  I say, “If you want time for a story before bed, you’ll need to get out of the bath now.”  Perfect, that should get him out.  It didn’t.   I say, “OK, I’m going to give you one more chance to get out…”

This moment in time is the perfect moment in discipline time.  I then chant in my head while getting the toothbrushes ready, “Don’t get out!  Don’t get out!  Don’t get out!”.

I take one look back at the bath and then walk out the door. If you have other children, you can then start their bedtime routine up until the story part, and tell your child, “Sorry, you don’t get a story tonight because you used up your story time in the bath.”  If this is your only child, then wait about 5 minutes (or however long story time is) and then do your bedtime routine then skip the story part with the same explanation.

Your child will get upset, because it is difficult not to get your way.  We want our bath and our story too! But your child has also learned something.  That your words have meaning.  That choices have consequences.  That there are limits.

All of this is done in an empathetic and calm way.  There was no yelling.  I was never angry.  And I truly felt sorry.  I really did want him to get the story, but more than that, I wanted him to feel comfortable in that there are limits and that my words are meaningful.

This article could also be titled, “Follow Through”, but I think as parents we know that we need to follow through, it is just hard.  But when we think, “Make the wrong choice!  Make the wrong choice!  Make the choice that will facilitate learning!!”  then we are more likely to follow through and instead of getting frustrated, we will actually enjoy it because we know that we are teaching our children.

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