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28Jan

Two things you should never do during a tantrum (and what to do instead…)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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tantrum1

I talk a lot about tantrums, mostly because they are the center of toddler-hood, but also because they cause a lot of unwanted stress.

So here are two things to never do during a tantrum:

1) Give in.

2) Get mad.

Most likely in your journey as a parent, you are going to do both, but you should do differently starting tomorrow and here is why:

1) Don’t give in.  You child is looking to see where the wall is.  Where the limit is.  As soon as you give in, he has to keep looking.   This is very hard on children and very hard on parents.

For example, your toddler wants the crusts off his sandwich.  In the midst of cutting off the crusts, you cut the sandwich in half which is what he usually likes.  You give him the sandwich.

Toddler: “NOOO!!” Tears start streaming, face turns red.  “Put the sandwich back together!!!!”

You (not giving in): “I’m sorry, I thought that was how you liked it.”

Toddler (potentially throwing the sandwich, hopefully not): “NOOooo!! Put it back together!!”

At this point, you could give in and make him another sandwich.  It would diffuse this situation, but it would only create future situations where your child has to learn what the limit it.  DO NOT GIVE IN. Do not make another sandwich.   Your child can either eat the sandwich you made or not eat the lunch.  

I realize that you want to make another sandwich.  You don’t want the tantrum and the new sandwich will calm everything down.  But if you do give in, then your child has to test the limits again later and will have to see if it is OK to tantrum about something else. 

Don’t give in!

You (still not giving in): “So sorry, but sandwiches don’t go back together.  Do you want to eat or are you all done?”

2) Don’t get mad.  Again, your child is looking to you to see what is ok and what is not ok.  Is it ok to start screaming about sandwiches?  If you start screaming too, then the answer is “Yes.”  If you remain calm then the answer is “No.”

Toddler: “NOOO!!” Tears start streaming, face turns red.  “Put the sandwich back together!!!!”

You (remaining calm): “So sorry about the sandwich, do you want to eat it or are you all done?”

You are going to want to say, “What?!? Are you effing ridiculous? You always want me to cut it up and now you want me to put it back together?!?!?”

Toddler: “No no no no no. put it back. put it back. put it back. put it back.  put it back TOGETHERRRRRRRR!” 

You (remaining calm):  “Are you all done then?”  

You are going to want to say, “If I hear one more word out of you, you are going straight to time out!!”

But if you escalate the situation, two things happen, 1) your child doesn’t learn any skills to calm down and 2) that he can get a lot of attention out of one sandwich and that if he escalates more, then you will as well.  Empathy and calmness will shut the tantrum down (not immediately, but much more quickly).

What to do instead?

Just shut down the whole tantrum by saying “I’m sorry, but no”.

So, instead of giving in, hold strong and say, “I’m sorry, but no”.

And instead of getting mad, say, “I’m sorry, but no”.

I’m sorry, but no.

 

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19Sep

Next time you hear “I can’t” respond with this:

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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I-2Bcan-t

“I know, it’s really hard.”

That’s it.  That’s all you have to say.

We hear “I can’t” a million times a day and often during meltdowns or tantrums and it’s really quite simple.  Just respond with, “yes, it is hard.”

They may not actually be able to do what they are saying they can’t do and then you can ask them if they want help.  Or you can just stand back and watch.

If they do achieve what they previously couldn’t, then they look up at you like, “Oh my gosh!  Look what I just did and it was really hard!!”  

If they don’t, then you can just commiserate and say, “There are some really hard things that I can’t do either.”

So next time you hear your kids say, “I can’t!!” then refrain from saying, “yes, you can” and just say, “I know, it’s really hard.”

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4Sep

The whole “I-don’t-like-it-that-way” toddler thing- it’s a ruse.

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior
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ruse

When children enter the toddler stage, they gain independence.  This is hard for parents.  This is hard for toddlers.  

They don’t know what independence is, so they have to experiment.

“Do you want the bear or truck pajamas?’
“I want the monkey pajamas.”
“The monkey pajamas are dirty.   Do you want the bear or truck pajamas?”
“I WANT THE MONKEY PAJAMAS!”

(Here’s how I know it is a ruse..)

“Ok, no problem, you don’t have to wear pajamas”

About 10 minutes later after a 5 minute tantrum with everyone ignoring, “I want the bear pajamas.”


“Do you want peanut butter and jelly or grilled cheese?”
“Peanut butter and jelly”

I hand him the sandwich.

“I DON’T WANT any peanut butter on my SANDWICH!!”
“Ok, no problem, you don’t have to eat.”

Two minutes later, “I don’t want the sandwich TOGETHER!  I WANT IT apart!”
“Well, here’s your sandwich, you can eat it or not.”

Another 2 minutes later, “I DON’T WANT THIS PART of the sandwich, it has a HOLE in it!”
“You don’t have to eat that part.”

(Here’s how I know it is a ruse…)

Ten minutes later, the sandwich is gone.

This type of ruse goes on day in and day out as it should.  Children are exploring what it means to have an opinion, and opinions are great!  We love them!  But they also can’t control everything.  I love to hear about what my children like and want but they don’t always get what they want.

The most important part of this back and forth is to remain calm and not give in during these tests.  They want to know if they can ask or demand anything.  If you want to eat inside, they will want to eat outside.  It is also a way for children to learn how families work and how people negotiate.  It is totally fine when your toddler is saying “I-don’t-like-it-that-way” to give them the option of doing it “that-way” next time (and since it is a ruse, they will actually want the opposite next time!!) but that the decision has already been made this time.  It is important to stay calm and stay strong!



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5Aug

One really bad afternoon for a lot of great afternoons

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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afternoon

It is so hard sometimes to lay down the law and be consistent.

I hear the words so tempting in my head, “Just this one time.”

But it doesn’t work that way, you have to have one really really bad afternoon in exchange for a lot of great afternoons.

 

Here’s how it works:

You give your child a limit- no toys at naptime.  You do this because they won’t sleep if they take a toy in at naptime.

For a day or a week, it works great, “Remember, no toys at naptime.” 

Then the day comes (you knew it would) “I want my TOY!!”  Screaming, kicking, the whole gamut.


This is the moment.  You could give in and give him the toy knowing that he will be happy and fall asleep in the next 20 minutes and you will have a great afternoon and be able to visit with your friends after nap like you had planned and all will be well.

OR

You can stand your ground and say, “Sorry, no toys at naptime” and know that for the next hour and a half, there will be screaming and he will never take a nap and you’ll have to cancel your plans with your friends and just hope that you can make it through dinner and to bedtime tonight.

The first option sounds so nice and it is so tempting that we often choose that one.  But the second option will set us up for so many nice afternoons in the future because our children will believe us when we set a limit and they will stick to it.

When you are faced with the option of one really horrible afternoon for a lot of great afternoons- hold strong mama!  You can do it!


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10Feb

Insecurity breeds misbehavior

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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insecurity

Children misbehave because they don’t feel secure.

Children don’t feel secure for two reasons:

1) They don’t know what is expected of them

2) There is a big change in their life

I know I’m simplifying a lot, but with all of the information out there, sometimes it is helpful to simplify.  But I also know that there are often a lot of other factors contributing to behavior so when looking at your child’s behavior, start here, and if this doesn’t work, then look into other factors.  

When parents contact me about their children’s behavior, I start asking questions.  Pretty soon one of two things pops up: 1) there isn’t a routine or outlined expectations 2) there was recently a big change.

The first one- expectations- is very easy to control.  In fact, it is our job as parents to control.  How does it look? First, create a good routine. That means doing the same things in the morning before you head out for the day or the same things before the children go to bed. It means creating the routine with your partner and your children (if they are old enough) and writing it down.  One family was trying to nail down a bedtime routine and they got it all worked out with the father doing the majority of the routine when the father said, “But what about the nights that I’m home late?”  and I asked them, “How often is that?”  “Almost every night.”  We had spent all that time working on the ideal bedtime routine and it wasn’t even possible for most nights. Make a routine that works for you every single night- even if it isn’t perfect.  

Once you have a routine set and followed, you will find that many behaviors disappear. But not all of them. And that is why you need to be constantly outlining behaviors ahead of time.

Before you walk into the restaurant, discuss the behaviors you want to see.  Then make sure that everyone is on the same page if those behaviors aren’t present (such as one child sits in the car with an adult, or your child won’t get a special book before bed).  Before you go to the store, discuss the behaviors you want to see and what will happen if you don’t see them.  Constantly be outlining what your expectations are.

2) There is a big change in their life.

This one seems really obvious because anyone with a huge change in their life will need some time for adjustment. But what isn’t obvious is that what seems like a little change to us, is a huge change for the child since their lives are so small.

So what constitutes a big change?  Just about anything.  Daylight saving time is a big change.  Illness is a big change.  Moving, new school, new sibling, new caregivers, new diets are all big changes.  

So what can you do if practically everything is considered a big change to a little kid?  

1) Don’t fret too much about it

2) Set yourselves up with a good routine so that they can weather the changes.  

I like to put this in a adult’s perspective so that it makes more sense:

 

Let’s say that you have a 9 to 5 job and every day you go in to work at 9 am, and everyday you head home at 5 pm.  Pretty awesome right?  You can tell your daycare provider when you will be there to pick up your kids, you can make happy hour plans with your friends a week in advance, and you feel secure and comfortable in your day.  Then one day, your boss walks in at 2 pm and says, “Hey, I need you to stay until 9 pm tonight.”  You are pretty flexible and say, “Yeah, that isn’t ideal, but I can do it.”  because you know that the next day, you will be able to leave at 5 pm again.  You are able to change your routine simply because you know that you have a routine to go back to. 

Now let’s say that you have a job that starts most days at 8 am but sometimes you don’t go in to work until 10 am and sometimes your boss lets you leave at 2 pm but sometimes you have to stay until 8 pm and you never really know if it’s going to be a short day or a long day.  It is somewhat stressful because sometimes you can pick up your children, but sometimes your husband has to do it and how to remember it all is such a headache.  When your friends ask if you all want to go out for pizza you have to remember which night will be an earlier night but then it might change so you really don’t know.  Without a routine- it is stressful!  Then one day you boss walks in and says, “Hey, I need you to stay until 9 pm tonight”.  You will probably say yes because you want to keep your job, but how will you feel about it?  You will feel less secure because you don’t really know if you are going to have another late night the next night, or that maybe 9 pm is your new routine.  It is really hard to weather a big change without a routine because you don’t have anything to settle back in to. 
In the first situation, you know that after one really long day you will go back to a normal schedule, but in the second situation you don’t have a normal schedule so when you have one really long day, it isn’t clear if you will continue to have really long days and that is an unpleasant feeling.

It is the same for children.  If they have a consistent schedule and routine, they can have a big change to the schedule without much fuss.  But if they don’t even have a routine, then a big change can be very upsetting and they will show that through their behavior.

Setting up a routine should be super easy, but it’s not. It is hard to look at both what is best for children and what works for the whole family.  Contact Boulder Child Whisperer if you need help creating a useful routine for your family.

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28Jan

Now you are a parent- how do you fit it all in? (And enjoy some of the things you used to do?)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Parental Support Positive Parenting
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routines

One of the most important tools that you can use to help your children with sleeping, eating, behavior, etc. is setting up a routine.  I know that schedules aren’t for everyone and if it doesn’t work for your family then it just doesn’t work.  But if you are on the fence about making a routine and schedule for your children, but are afraid that the schedules will soon rule you, then hear this:

 
Schedules give you freedom.
 
Picture this:  your family wakes up whenever and sometimes you have breakfast before you leave for the day, but sometimes you don’t.  Dinner could be anywhere from 6:00 pm to 8:00 pm and bedtime is never the same.   

Because of this, you can be out late with your kids one night and then plop them into bed early another night.  This sounds great and like I said, and for some people it works.  But a lot of those late nights end up with the children screaming and fighting.  Then the nights that you try to get them to bed early (because they are exhausted) end up as power struggles (please one more show, just another book, I’m not tired yet, pleeeeaaase)
 
Then your whole family goes on vacation and it is in a different time zone and neither you nor your children have any idea when you should eat or sleep.  And your week long vacation turns into the week long tantrum fest.
 
But…

If you have a schedule and a routine for your children, then neither you nor your children are guessing what is next, and you don’t have to struggle with difficult behavior or tantrums which often makes it difficult to go out or to travel.   

If dinner is always around 6 pm and bedtime is always around 7:30, (or whatever time works for you) then you can have many nights out and come home and your child goes straight to bed.  If you want to go out later, then one of the spouses can leave without having to worry about power struggles at home, or you can bring the children out every once in a while and it won’t affect their routine at all.  A good rule of thumb is stick to the routine about 90% of the time and you can totally throw the routine out the window 10% of the time without any ill effects. 
 
Then when your whole family goes on vacation on the other side of the world, you can easily move your route back or forwards a couple of hours and BAM, right back on schedule with no problems at all.  It makes traveling a dream, and something that you’ll want to do and be able to do all the time.  
 
When children have a routine and know what to expect, they don’t need to lash out and misbehave in order to make sense of their world.   So setting up a routine will actually allow you to do more things and give more freedom to your life.

Don’t be afraid that setting up a steady routine will be the end of your social life and having fun, in fact, it is exactly the opposite.  So if you are thinking about how you can get out more, or how you can do that trip that you have been thinking about for the last year; start today with a good schedule and before you know it, your life with kids will be more exciting and fun than before kids!!
 
If you have more questions and are wondering what kind of schedule might work for you, contact us today!
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5Dec

A little “toddler trick” (even though I don’t like tricks…)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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tantrums

I have news for you: toddlers tantrum.

This is what they do.  I have spoken about how to deal with tantrums before and I will talk about it again because it is a tough situation for parents with little ones.

Children who are approximately 18 months to 4 years old are starting to develop independence.  They don’t know exactly how to express it, so it usually comes out as a tantrum, whining or just as unpleasant behavior.   Parents don’t want to hear it and don’t know what to do.

So here some more ideas:  give them more opportunities to be independent and to express themselves and they will need to lash out less.

Give them jobs: feed the cat, put the shoes away, wipe up the spilled water, put on their clothes.  Young children love to help out and “do it themselves” so give them that opportunity.  I can hear a lot of parents saying, my child would never do any of those things!  That’s ok too, find something special that they would like to do (help dad with the measuring tape, help mom crack the eggs for the pancakes).  When your child feels like they are purposeful and they are competent (they CAN do it!) then they will tantrum less.

But here’s the thing, they will still tantrum.  Children (and adults…) get fussy when they are hungry or tired.  I find that I am often out of the house right before lunchtime or right before nap and I dread trying to get them to leave their friends’ house, gymnastics or the park when they are tired or hungry.  So here’s my trick:  (I’m not a fan of tricking children, so you can decide for yourself how comfortable you are with this idea, I find that this trick builds thinking skills but some may disagree…)

When your children don’t want to leave, ask them if they want to come back sometime.  When all they can say is “NOOOO!” then respond, “Ok, we don’t have to come back if you don’t want to.”  

So let me play it out for you:

When it is almost time to leave, give your children a warning, “We are going home in 5 minutes!”  Then when it is time to go say, “All right, time to go home now.”

“NOOOO!!!”

So this is when you ask them, “Did you have fun?”

“NOOOOO!!!”

“Would you like to come back sometime?”

“NOOOO!!!!!”

“Ok, if you don’t want to come back, that’s ok too.”

“NOOOO!!” (I can start to hear them think it through a little more…)

“Would you like to come back sometime?”

“Hmmmm…. yes!”

And instead of thinking about how horrible it is to leave, they start thinking about how they can come back.  This trick works especially well if you have kept your word (which is why I don’t like tricking kids) and you have built up trust.  They know that you will bring them back in the future and the tantrum subsides.

Of course this doesn’t work every time but children often have a knee-jerk negative response and when they begin to realize that they way need to think through their answers, then they may become a little more aware.  

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15Nov

Children want order (even though all they do is create chaos)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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order

If you have children, you have chaos in your life.  They turn our whole lives upside down even if (especially if) we prefer order in our lives.  

But here’s the thing: Children want and need order in their lives too.

They need the same thing over and over and over in their lives.

They need the same bedtime (ish) every night.  

They need the same story read a zillion times.

They need the same food in front of them about 15-20 times before they feel comfortable with it.


They need the same people in their lives as much as possible.

They need the same song over and over a trillion times.

They need to know where the toys belong (box for cars, shelf for books, basket for food, etc)

They need the same consequence that they are done eating every time they throw their food.

They need to have the same holiday traditions every year until they are doing it for their kids as well.




They need toys that have all their pieces, aren’t broken and are organized. 

They need the same calm reaction to their tantrums that lets them know they are safe.

When children have order in their lives, they feel more secure.  When children feel more secure in their lives, they have fewer behavior issues. 

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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11Nov

Keeping them in the loop

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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loop

When it comes to young children, we certainly don’t have to tell them everything, but it is surprising what keeping them in the loop will do for their behavior.

This technique is also best when started the earliest.  And I’m talking newborns.  It seems very strange to tell your newborn what you are doing, but they absorb more than we can imagine and it sets them up for understanding more as they grow. 

So what does this look like?

For us, my favorite memory of keeping my boys in the loop was one weekend when we were up in the mountains.  We decided to stay up there through dinner and then drive back right as the boys go down for bed.  This meant that they would fall asleep in the car, but then we would have to wake them once we got home to transfer them to their beds.  They were one and a half years old.  So we explained everything to them, all the steps, everything that would happen.

Once we got in the car, they fell asleep almost immediately.  They slept the whole way home.  We pulled up in front of our house and woke them up ever so sweetly.  Both boys started to laugh!  I couldn’t figure out why they were laughing until I realized that they were laughing at the fact they they knew this was going to happen and it did!  We carried them to their beds, kissed them and they fell asleep immediately again. 

So when you are keeping your children in the loop, you tell them what is going to happen good or bad.

We tend to not tell our children what is going to happen if it is going to be even slightly un-pleasant and it works just the opposite.  If you prepare them and tell them exactly what is going to happen, then to can cope with things much better.    

Take shots, for example, if you practice giving shots at home, tell your child that you are going to get shots, and then talk about how good they did afterwards, then your child will be less afraid of them than if you just spring it upon them.  

If you are changing part of your nighttime routine (no more feeding in the middle of the night, no more pacifier, no more “just one more mommy please!”) then let your child know.  Keep them in the loop.  Talk about it (even if they are teeny tiny) and then when it happens, they might even laugh about it!

When we communicate well with our children, it makes them feel more secure which helps immensely with behavior.  It also teaches them great communication skills.  It teaches them that communication can help us get through hard times.

Again, you don’t have to go overboard and tell them everything that is going to happen but one thing I love to do with my little little ones is tell them our list of to-do things.  For instance, today we are going to the bank, grocery store, computer store and park.  Or, today we have to take out the trash, put away our clothes and then make muffins.  I say it over and over.  Then as we do each task, they smile and are happy that they know exactly what to expect.  

Start today with keeping your kids in the loop!

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3Nov

The best toddler tantrum book out there

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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knuffle

There are a lot of great books out there but if you don’t have this one as part of your library, then you should look into adding it.

Knuffle Bunny by Mo Willems

There are so many reasons why I love this book:

The dad is the one taking the kid and doing the laundry.  Dad’s don’t often get major parts in children’s books unless the word “dad” is in the title.  

The dad allows the child to “help” with the laundry which is something that a lot of parents don’t always allow simply because “helping” usually means making a bigger mess.

There are great prepositions in this book, “in front of, through, into.”

It is a great start-off point for talking to kids about tantrums.  Once a child is calm, you can talk about how Trixie bawled, and how she threw herself on the floor.  You can talk about how your child did the same thing.  And in both cases, nothing was solved by the tantrum.  You move the discussion towards using words and how communication can solve problems much better than tantrums.   

I love the pictures and how they depict city life.

I like how it allows parents to bond together, knowing that other kids are throwing themselves on the floor in public as well. 

And the number one reason why I love this book: tantrums aren’t part of our life to make adults miserable, they have a purpose.  In this case, the tantrum was the child trying to communicate with her dad.  We often respond to tantrums with more anger rather than with compassion.  And this book is a great reminder to look what’s going on behind the tantrum and listening to the child. 

 

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