Right now, I’m reading No Drama Discipline by Daniel J Seigel and Tina Payne Bryson and I can recommend it for all the parents who have a little bit of free time. For all the parents who don’t have a ton of free time, I will write about some of the most important concepts that I got from the book.
First of all, the authors don’t actually recommend using consequences because positive parenting and attachment parenting have been moving rapidly away from that word. However, they explicitly state that limits need to be set and boundaries need to be made. So instead of using the word consequence, they talk about problem solving, and natural consequences (which don’t include the parent having power over the child).
Both problem solving and natural consequences are great ways to set limits, but as I talk with many parents, the reality is that they use those when they can and when they can’t, they need another tool that is quick and already at their fingertips.
This tool would be first connect, then consequence.
This technique allows you to parent in a positive way because you are connecting with your child when they need you. But you are also setting limits and letting them know that their behavior isn’t OK. And that is where the balance is.
First connect, then consequence:
There are three main ways to connect:
1. Give an explanation
This is more for younger children who don’t have as much language, but can be for older children as well. An explanation is more respectful than “Because I said so.” The explanation shouldn’t be long and drawn out. You set the limit and then add just a couple words to explain why we are setting the limit.
2. Ask for input
This is the best technique for keeping a balance of control. You set the limit and then ask them for a little input. Would they like to do something instead or would they like to do what they are doing in a place or way that would be appropriate.
3. Check emotions
This is a great technique to teach empathy. After setting the limit, you can suggest a possible emotion if the child is younger, or you can ask about their state of being if they are older.
Let’s look at a couple of scenarios:
You are making breakfast and your husband is rushing out the door asking for you to help him with something and your child throws something or hits something and starts screaming.
You need to set a limit and let your child know that hitting, throwing and screaming aren’t OK. You don’t have time to problem solve so to set the limit, you first connect and then consequence.
- Give an explanation
“No hitting or throwing, that isn’t safe. I need to help your papa and make breakfast now. If you do that again, I’m going to have to find a place for you where everyone will be safe.”
2. Ask for input
“We don’t hit or throw things. Would you like a soft ball to throw instead? (for younger children) Do you want to help me make breakfast or what would you like to do instead? (for older children). If you do that again, I’m going to have to find a place for you where everyone will be safe.”
3. Check emotions
“You may not hit or throw things. You may be upset that I can’t help you right now. (for younger children) Are you hungry? What’s bothering you? (for older children). If you do that again, however, I will have to find a place for you where everyone will be safe.”
As families move more towards using positive parenting and attachment parenting, setting limits and boundaries becomes increasingly more confusing if you aren’t allowed to use consequences. So in order to remain positive and build your relationship with your child rather than tear it down, while still setting limits you:
First connect, then consequence.
I love this book, because it is very clear about setting limits and I really feel like that is the part that parents struggle with the most. But it is also very clear that if you go right into setting the limit and giving a consequence then you are losing out on building your relationship with your child and helping them learn.