days-of-lives

This is a quote from Annie Dillard and it really speaks to me on the first day of the new year.


Are our days rushed, stressed and unfulfilled?

Or are we able to breathe and enjoy our days?

The negative moments in our lives are just a moment, but strung together, they are our lives.

There are many days that I still can’t believe that I’m a parent.  I keep thinking that one day I will actually feel like a parent and will know and understand what that feeling is, but it may end up that I’ll be lying on my death bed and finally realize that I was a parent this whole time.  

So what does that mean?

  • It means making conscious decisions about parenting.  
  • It means deciding that we will all eat together at least once per week.  
  • It means that there will be no devices at the table.  
  • It means that I will take a deep breath in front of my children as they are losing it and I’m about to lose it as well.
  • It means that the majority of my interactions with my children will be positive.  So if I find that I have three snippety utterances, then the next nine things I say will have to be positive!
  • It means that I will be clear about my expectations with my children rather than assuming that they know what I am asking of them. 

Because the way that I parent today is the parent that I am.   

Seriously, I still don’t feel like a parent.  What does that truly feel like?

If you want your 2014 to be calmer, your children to listen better, your family to be more connected, contact me today and we will get you started on a parenting plan.  The initial consultation is free

gratitude

With Thanksgiving fast approaching and the warm feeling of holidays creeping up on me, I feel compelled to write about gratitude.

I see lots of people talking about feeling thankful and being grateful and I love the reminders.  It is so important to be thankful and to express gratitude.  

I love this article from New York Times which talks about the physical changes that your body encounters from expressing gratitude.  Better sleep, less anxiety, acting kinder and feeling happier are all results of the simple act of being thankful.  It is a couple of years old, but deserves to be revisited. 


It is something that we can do for the month of November but since the month is coming up on a close, start practicing it now and then try to refresh your gratitude as the winter continues on into the spring.  It can be part of your dinner conversation or can be done right before bed as part of the bedtime routine.

“What are you thankful for?”  Or even “what was the best part of your day?” can be a reminder to what you appreciate in your life.  Life gets tough, life gets rough.  Children start fussing and crying, bills pile up and sometimes it seems like everything is going against you.  But just looking at one thing that did go right today can change things around.  It helps your shift your perspective.   Even if all you can muster out is “the best part of my day was the corn dog.”   Then smile at the corndog and know that you just changed your life physically and mentally.

Be thankful for all the big things and all the small things (especially the small things) in your life and then watch this video:



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family dinner

With all of the different parenting philosophies out there, a mother or father could get quite confused.  One group believes in one thing, while another group believes the exact opposite (when did parenting begin to mirror politics?)

But thankfully, there is one thing that everyone can agree on: the family dinner.

The family dinner is like the holy grail of parenting, you get this one down and you can check off a whole slew of other parenting struggles.

That’s because family dinners promote language development, communication, and nutrition.  It is the perfect time to be screen-free and it helps children build the skills they need to help overcome challenges.

When the entire family sits down to dinner once per week or more, then a lot of the other parenting woes such as behavior issues, communication issues and defiance tend to slip away.  The family is seen more as a unit and when children feel more a part of something, they are more likely to take care of it and respect it.
family dinner1A family dinner is also one that doesn’t include the television or other distractions.  It is totally fine to eat dinner in front of the television, as long as you do a family dinner without it at least once per week as well.  Hopefully, you have a space in your home where your whole family can sit and eat together.  If not, it is something worth investing in.

So how young can children be to be involved in the family dinner?  You can start once they are eating solids.  They don’t have to eat the same things that you are eating, but by the time they are 8-10 months old, they should start having part of the same dinner.  

And how old is too old to start a family dinner?  Any age works, you can introduce the topic and say “one night per week, we are all going to eat dinner together”.  If they are somewhat resistant to the idea, then make it special.  For instance, for the weekly family dinner, we get to make or take-out pizza, and then we all eat it together.

I often hear parents saying that they feed the kids first, then put the kids to bed and then eat.  That is a great way to have some alone time with your husband or to invite friends over, but it shouldn’t be the norm.   Whenever I hear that, I picture the children eating box macaroni and cheese and I picture the adults eating some steak and asparagus later.   The ideal is to eat all at the same time with macaroni and cheese, steak and asparagus.  The children will love eating what the adults are eating and if it is their first time trying asparagus and they don’t like it yet (they need 15-20 times to try it) then they have plenty of mac and cheese to eat.

Above and beyond the nutritional aspect of family dinners is the connectedness that children feel when they eat dinner together with the whole family.   A study was recently done about the “ties that bind us”  which showed that children who knew more about their family, and about their past were able to heal faster after trauma.  As a parent, I worry a lot about all the challenges and difficulties my children may face but to know that they have had all of these family dinners in their favor allows me to worry a little bit less.

And one last bonus: dinners out at restaurants are way easier because if it is part of your routine to sit and eat dinner all together, then little ones won’t be as squirmy and you will be able to enjoy your meal out so much more!

So if your children are young, don’t wait!  Start now with either a nightly or weekly family dinner and know that all the TV shows and other things can wait until after dinner and know that this little change can make a huge difference in your children’s lives.


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Twins playing

You’ll have to excuse the obscenities.  It is Louis C.K. after all.

But he has some excellent points.  We have already established the no-devices-at-the-table rule, but I like the no-smartphones-for-the-children rule.  It will be a bit harder to enforce but worth it.  Children need to learn to be with themselves.  They need to be bored.  They need to have human interaction and I believe that the smartphone takes away many of those opportunities.

This is going to be one difficult road to keep smartphones away from my children (and until what age?!?) but if Louis C.K. can do it, then so can I!

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baby eating

Picky eaters are synonymous with toddlers.  Thats what kids do- they give their parents grief at meal times.  But there is science behind that and parents can use the science to their advantage.

Here are five things you can do with your children to keep them from becoming picky- or to cure them of their picky-ness:

1) (And this is the MOST important- every parent needs to know this!) A person needs to try a strong flavored food 10-20 times before liking it.

2) Give them a variety of foods from a very young age (or start now if they are older).

3) Have mealtimes together as a family.  If you are a busy family (like most families) then do it as often as you can.  Once per day, once a week or even once a month.


4) Don’t worry about whether a child eats or not (unless there is something medical which requires a certain diet). 


5) Give options during the meal, but once the meal is served, there aren’t other options.

 

Here are the ideas behind each suggestion.

1) (And this is the MOST important- every parent needs to know this!) A person needs to try a strong flavored food 10-20 times before liking it.

You can offer your child broccoli nine times and they will stick their tongue out but the TENTH time- they might like it.  This is where the “just take a small bite” comes into play.  If they don’t like it, then don’t force it, just offer it again a month later.


This idea really hit home for me as an adult because growing up I was the pickiest eater.  I hated red peppers more than anything.  I could tell if a food had red peppers even near it and I threw huge tantrums if a food had red peppers removed from it and then served to me because I could smell the red peppers that were previously there.

Then as an adult, I began serving red peppers to my students as a vegetable tasting lesson.  I only did it because I wanted all the colors and tomatoes were messy.  After doing this lesson for three years, I took one small bite of a red pepper, and my taste buds said, “Wholey moley!  YUM!”  They have since become one of my favorite vegetables.

As an extra experiment, choose a food that you absolutely hate and try it once a month and see if it comes around (you can also serve it to your kids and see who comes around faster…).

2) Give them a variety of foods from a very young age (or start now if they are older).

Young children will put anything in their mouths.  From the age of around 6 months (when they can bring things up to their mouths) to around one year old (and often longer), children will put anything in their hands into their mouths.  This is so they can learn about their world.  They can see what things taste like and feel like.

You can use this time to your advantage.  You can give them strong flavored foods and they will put it in their mouth and either eat it, or spit it out.  But they are building their flavor repertoire which will help with picky-ness.

Even as they get older and maybe don’t even want a particular food on their plate, just having it at the table will make it become more familiar and they will be more likely to like it later.


3) Have mealtimes together as a family.  If you are a busy family (like most families) then do it as often as you can.  Once per day, once a week or even once a month.

Not only does this help with food issues, it also helps them socially and emotionally.  But back to food, a young child will want to do whatever their parents are doing, so if you are eating some steak or a spinach salad, they will want to eat it as well.  They will know that the food they are served is good enough for the rest of the family and they are more likely to eat it.  It is also so much easier for the parents to make ONE meal and serve it to everyone.  There are no other options.


Which brings me to the next two points:

4) Don’t worry about whether a child eats or not (unless there is something medical which requires a certain diet). 


If your child is relatively healthy, it is more than OK to skip a meal or a couple of meals.  Children who are teething, have a cold, or a just a normal child may not feel like eating 3-4 times per day.  It is totally acceptable to go a day (or two) of only having a bite at each meal.


We have trained ourselves as adults to think that a child needs to eat.  If we aren’t hungry, we won’t eat most things, but a body (or our tastebuds) rarely turn down something sweet or fatty.  So even if we aren’t hungry, we can always find room for a grilled cheese, a cookie, cinnamon toast, etc.  If your child is hungry, your child will eat.  If your child isn’t hungry, don’t force them to eat.  They will be ok.  If you want to double check with your pediatrician, I highly recommend that because it is always good to be on the same page.

5) Give options during the meal, but once the meal is served, there aren’t other options.


This goes back to number four.  This is the downfall of healthy eating.  You make one meal (with at least one item that you know the children will enjoy) and then you serve it.  If they want to eat, awesome.  If they don’t want to eat, just as well.


There will always be breakfast in the morning.

 
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