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16Jan

Help! My cat is waking me up every night…

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Sleep
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cat1

So it turns out I need a cat whisperer.  

After months and months of our cat waking us up every night to be let out, my husband had had enough.  So I looked up online to see if there is anyway I can get the cat to stop waking us up.  I really had to laugh.  It is my job to help parents with the same thing and I never thought to transfer the same ideas over to the cat.

Consistency and Routine.

HAHA!

It is what I preach everyday and I even knew it, but I wasn’t doing it.  Which makes me think about how many parents are aware of what they are supposed to be doing, but aren’t doing it.

So with routine, the website says, “Be sure that you set up a routine for your cat.  Feed him at the same time every day, have play time about the same time everyday.”  So I was feeding my cat whenever I got around to it, and sometimes not at all if I forgot.  I have two little ones and sometimes they would want to feed the cat in the middle of the day and I thought, “Hey, why not?”  I know why not, it breeds insecurity, apparently with cats as well.  

With consistency, the website says, “If you consistently interact with your cat when they are meowing at night, then they will continue to meow.  But if you stop interacting with them, then they will stop meowing at night.”  It is hard to be consistent because I know that if I just let my cat outside, then I can go back to sleep.  But if I don’t, then he will continue to meow for the next hour or so.  But the website then says, “Inconsistency will lead to your cat continuing to wake you at night.  If you are consistent with not interacting, then your cat will no longer wake you after 10 days to 2 weeks.”

So we are on night three of my new plan.  I have been feeding my cat at 8 am and 5 pm for three days straight and he has meowed for about a half an hour for two nights and we didn’t interact with him.  It hasn’t been too bad because now we have a plan.  Before, it just drove my husband crazy because it felt like we didn’t have control, but now we have a plan and we are a united front!

Lessons learned:


1) You get into a rut and think that what you are experiencing is the only option.  But it’s not.


2) Inconsistency breeds insecurity and unwanted behavior.


3)  Making a plan is the first step to changing behavior


Turns out, all I needed was a cat whisperer!



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15Dec

“Don’t wake the baby!” How to keep one sibling from waking the other

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Siblings Sleep
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siblings

When you have one child, you do just about anything to not wake the baby.

But then you have another child.  And now you have extra work to not wake the baby.

Here’s the thing:

Children learn how to sleep.  


So a child who is born in a really hot humid climate, will know how to sleep in a hot humid climate. (My children cannot sleep if it is over 75º however…)

A child who is born into a noisy household, will know how to sleep though all the noise.

A child who is born with a barking dog, will know how to sleep even when the dog is barking all of the time.

A child who is born with a twin will be able to sleep though the other child’s wailing.

It is a common frustration for mothers with toddlers and babies to feel like they need to indulge the toddler’s every whim to keep them from waking the baby, but they aren’t doing anyone a favor.  The new baby will learn how to sleep with the other child crying/ screaming.  And when I say “learn” I am implying that there will be times that the baby does wake due to the noise.  These times will be super frustrating, but just like anything and everything with having children, “this too shall pass.”

So when your older child is screaming because you have set the limit of no more milk at bedtime, then stick with that limit even though it will wake the baby. 

And when you have a bunch of people over to your house, let the older children be loud even though that will wake the baby.  

When you stop breast feeding one child at night which causes a lot of tears and might wake the other child, stick to your new plan even though it creates a lot of disruption.  The other child will learn to get through this as well.  

We can do hard things and we can learn new things.

I was fortunate enough to have two babies that woke each other and I learned from watching them, that they learn to sleep through each other’s screams.  Did they wake sometimes from the noise?  They sure did, but then they also learned to sleep through the noise and eventually became great sleepers.  It taught me that we have trained the adults to create a sterile sleeping environment that doesn’t emulate real life and once we realize that kids can learn to sleep through anything, then we can hold boundaries for our other kids. 

So the take away from all of this- is that you will wake the baby. The baby will survive and everyone will eventually get sleep.  And babies who learn to sleep through all of the noise often become better sleepers in the end.  

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2Dec

I missed the pumpkin pie! (but I kept my word..)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Positive Parenting Sleep
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pumpkin

Thanksgiving came and went and of course was delicious and relaxing.

We were still at my mother’s house a couple of days later when my boys were still having difficulty going to bed.  There was so much going on during bedtime, that every night it took an hour or more of them wanting mom or dad before finally falling asleep.  After three nights of this, we had a little talk.

“I know that it is harder to go to bed with so much going on, but Mama needs to help clean up so I can’t spend too much time in here with you guys.  So tonight I can lay down with you for ten minutes, and then I need to go and there won’t be any fussing. Ok?”

“Ok.”

So I laid down with them for about ten minutes and then I got up to go.

“Mama no go! Mama lay down!”

“I’d love to lay down with you longer, but I need to finish cleaning up the kitchen.”

“Ok.  Mama clean up kitchen and then mama come back and lay down.”

So I said “Ok, I’ll clean up and then I’ll come back to check on you but I won’t be able to stay”.

I left and they didn’t fuss at all.  I went back to the kitchen and of course, everything was cleaned up already so I just put a couple of toys away and sat down and relaxed for a minute.

My mother was getting the leftover pie ready for our last go at it and I could have left the boys because they were quiet, they were happy and they probably would have fallen asleep on their own at this point.  But I told them that I would come back.   I sat there for a moment, seriously pondering my choices: hang out with the adults and eat the leftover pie or go back in and probably create more of a problem when everything was going just fine.

So I kept my word.  I went back into the boys’ room.  Both of them were almost asleep and I pretty much woke them back up.  But I built trust that evening.  It took another 15 minutes to get out of there again and it took them even longer to fall asleep.  But for that one evening where I missed eating the pie (and my ice cream was mostly melted) I gained many more years of trust.

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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21Nov

The two hour (three hour, four hour..) bedtime routine

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Sleep
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We all know it, we have either been there, heard others talk of it, or are dreading the future inevitability of the two plus hour bedtime routine.

It starts out with the parent in charge: 

Put your pajamas on.  Brush your teeth.

And then about 45 minutes in, the children take over:

“One more story.”  “Mom?  Mo-oooom!”  “I need another drink.”  “I’m not TIRED!”  

You end up giving in to each demand because at the back of your mind, you are thinking, “If I don’t give them what they want, it will be two hours of screaming and and I just do this last thing, they will go to bed.”

But we also know in the back of our mind, that they won’t go to bed, they will just ask for something else.

Then we lay down with the children knowing that at least they will eventually fall asleep this way and at 10:30 pm we will finally have some time to ourselves.

But this is no way to live, for us or for the kids.

So what to do?

First, tell the kids that things are going to change.  Talk about the bedtime routine and even make a schedule with pictures and words.  Tell them that this is the only routine that you will have and there won’t be any additions or subtractions.  Then post the schedule somewhere where everyone can see it and everyone is on the same page.

Second, (and this is the HARD part), follow the routine.  Don’t stray like you previously have done.  Whenever your child starts to ask for something more, remind them, “Sorry, it’s not part of our routine.”  Kiss them goodnight, and then close the door and leave.

Will your child be happy about this?  Possibly, but probably not.  They may yell and scream.  They may try to leave the room.  You have some options here depending on your parenting styles.  But you don’t have the option to give in to their demands.  You can rub their back for a minute and leave them be for ten minutes and continue the one minute rub/ten minute break until they fall asleep.  You can close the door and stand guard.  You can lay down on their floor for two minutes.  But whatever you do, know that it will take a couple of days to two weeks for you to see any changes in behavior   They are used to getting what they want and you need to remind them that the routine has changed.

Stick to it!  Consistency is key.

Talk about their good behavior.  If they did really well on one thing (like brushing their teeth, or only asking for one story) then talk about how awesome that was even if they cried for 45 minutes after that.  

Talk about the new schedule with them (again!!) and tell that that they are going to do really well with it tonight.  

Stick to it!  The change won’t happen overnight.  It will take a while for them to get used to it, but they will get used to.  Children can adapt to anything. 


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11Nov

Keeping them in the loop

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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loop

When it comes to young children, we certainly don’t have to tell them everything, but it is surprising what keeping them in the loop will do for their behavior.

This technique is also best when started the earliest.  And I’m talking newborns.  It seems very strange to tell your newborn what you are doing, but they absorb more than we can imagine and it sets them up for understanding more as they grow. 

So what does this look like?

For us, my favorite memory of keeping my boys in the loop was one weekend when we were up in the mountains.  We decided to stay up there through dinner and then drive back right as the boys go down for bed.  This meant that they would fall asleep in the car, but then we would have to wake them once we got home to transfer them to their beds.  They were one and a half years old.  So we explained everything to them, all the steps, everything that would happen.

Once we got in the car, they fell asleep almost immediately.  They slept the whole way home.  We pulled up in front of our house and woke them up ever so sweetly.  Both boys started to laugh!  I couldn’t figure out why they were laughing until I realized that they were laughing at the fact they they knew this was going to happen and it did!  We carried them to their beds, kissed them and they fell asleep immediately again. 

So when you are keeping your children in the loop, you tell them what is going to happen good or bad.

We tend to not tell our children what is going to happen if it is going to be even slightly un-pleasant and it works just the opposite.  If you prepare them and tell them exactly what is going to happen, then to can cope with things much better.    

Take shots, for example, if you practice giving shots at home, tell your child that you are going to get shots, and then talk about how good they did afterwards, then your child will be less afraid of them than if you just spring it upon them.  

If you are changing part of your nighttime routine (no more feeding in the middle of the night, no more pacifier, no more “just one more mommy please!”) then let your child know.  Keep them in the loop.  Talk about it (even if they are teeny tiny) and then when it happens, they might even laugh about it!

When we communicate well with our children, it makes them feel more secure which helps immensely with behavior.  It also teaches them great communication skills.  It teaches them that communication can help us get through hard times.

Again, you don’t have to go overboard and tell them everything that is going to happen but one thing I love to do with my little little ones is tell them our list of to-do things.  For instance, today we are going to the bank, grocery store, computer store and park.  Or, today we have to take out the trash, put away our clothes and then make muffins.  I say it over and over.  Then as we do each task, they smile and are happy that they know exactly what to expect.  

Start today with keeping your kids in the loop!

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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27Oct

Be the mom on the wagon (Anyone can adapt, any child can adapt)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Healthy Eating Sleep Unplugging
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Wagon

A difficult part of parenting is knowing that everything will change.  At times, it can bring comfort hence the ever popular “this too shall pass”.  But it can also bring anxiety when in not knowing how to handle situations.

For instance, many parents don’t want to introduce pacifiers or thumbs because sometime down the road, things will change and they will then have to take them away.   Or your dentist says that you can no longer give your child a bottle right before they go to bed, but then your children will scream and will never go to bed.  Or you gave your child an iPhone when they were tiny and now it’s all they want all the time and you want to restrict the use.

Here’s the good news; anyone can adapt, any child can adapt.

What ever change you want to introduce, you can do it! Your child can adapt to anything.  

I like to picture families traveling across the states during the gold rush in a covered wagon pulled by horses.  Then I like to put a modern family inside that wagon and I here, “Honey, the kids will never be able to take a nap if the wagon is bumpy or cold”.  “We can try to serve them beans for dinner, but I don’t think they’ll eat it.”  “If we don’t warm their milk enough, they’ll never drink it!”  

No, these families and these children had to adapt.  They had to sleep wherever and however they could.  They ate whatever was offered to them.  

Even though our situations today are much more comfortable, we have to remind ourselves that we don’t have to make our situations perfect.  

Over the last month, our house was under construction and it was loud.  So loud that the walls sometimes shook.  The first 3 days were very difficult.  Both of the boys cried and wanted to be held all the time.  We left the house as much as we could but we had to be home for nap time.  So let me tell you, I didn’t think that the boys would be able to nap, but they did, they adapted.

We are in a generation where we have options.  I could have said, “let’s not do the construction”.  I could have said, “You have to stop construction for two hours every day”.  But I know that mothers haven’t always had options.  I know that children can adapt.



Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child can no longer have a bottle before bed, pretend that you are on the trail, and you left your only bottle at the last camp.  You are not going to head back 20 miles and 2 days out of the way to collect one bottle.  Your child on the wagon has to adapt to not having a bottle.  There’s no other option. 

Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child is used to getting to eat whatever they want at dinner time and you can only cook one meal, pretend you are on the trail and that’s all the food you have.  Whatever is on their plate, they can eat and if they don’t want to eat that, then that’s fine, there will be food tomorrow.

Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child is screen addicted and wants the phone, ipad, tv or computer all the time, pretend you are on the trail and the only entertainment for them is the great outdoors or a book or playing with you or by themselves.  You can just say, “not now.”  “I don’t know where it is (hidden high in a closet)” or “oops!  it’s not working right now..”  

With all of these changes, your children will fuss, they will tantrum and they will scream.  Because it is an effective way for them to get what they want.  But be the mom on the wagon; even if they are screaming, you physically can’t get the bottle, more food or a new electronic toy.  Be consistent, stick with it and your children will adapt.  They will be fine with it once they realize that it is their reality.  
 

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25Sep

Second guessing ourselves as parents

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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second guessing

There are so many ways to parent out there- attachment parenting, cry-it-out, organic versus non-organic, that it can make your head spin.  Not one of these ways is the absolute best or worst way to parent (although you may hear differently from fanatics).   

But one thing that any parent can avoid is second guessing their decision.  It is not good for children to have their parents backtrack after a decision is made.

I often hear, “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!”  Those words themselves tell me exactly what the problem is.  If you are trying everything, then you aren’t sticking with one thing until you see a change in behavior.  Consistency is what helps a child through a tough time because it builds stability.  

One issue that most parents deal with is helping their child sleep through the night.  Again, there are as many philosophies as there are book deals available, and no one philosophy is correct.  They all have good parts and bad parts.  But once you choose the philosophy, stick with it.  When your child is crying at 3 am, remember the words of your chosen philosopher and don’t go back on your decision.  It will be hard because if you chose a form of cry-it-out and you start to doubt yourself in the middle of the night, then you are just prolonging the process and confusing your child.  If you choose a form of co-sleeping and after a week decide that you can’t have them in the bed any longer, then you are just dragging it out.  

Same thing with disciplining.  There are many ways to discipline.  Choose one with your husband, and then stick with it.  Your children will thank you. 

I’ve been in situations where either me or my husband makes a disciplining decision off the cuff and we both immediately regret it.  But we look at each other and with a split second decision of solidarity, and we carry on through the bad parenting decision.

Why? Because it is important for the children to see us working as team (even with questionable parenting decisions) and it is important to be consistent.  Children feel safer with consistency and you build trust by following through with what you say you are going to do.

 

 

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