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16Jan

Help! My cat is waking me up every night…

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Sleep
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cat1

So it turns out I need a cat whisperer.  

After months and months of our cat waking us up every night to be let out, my husband had had enough.  So I looked up online to see if there is anyway I can get the cat to stop waking us up.  I really had to laugh.  It is my job to help parents with the same thing and I never thought to transfer the same ideas over to the cat.

Consistency and Routine.

HAHA!

It is what I preach everyday and I even knew it, but I wasn’t doing it.  Which makes me think about how many parents are aware of what they are supposed to be doing, but aren’t doing it.

So with routine, the website says, “Be sure that you set up a routine for your cat.  Feed him at the same time every day, have play time about the same time everyday.”  So I was feeding my cat whenever I got around to it, and sometimes not at all if I forgot.  I have two little ones and sometimes they would want to feed the cat in the middle of the day and I thought, “Hey, why not?”  I know why not, it breeds insecurity, apparently with cats as well.  

With consistency, the website says, “If you consistently interact with your cat when they are meowing at night, then they will continue to meow.  But if you stop interacting with them, then they will stop meowing at night.”  It is hard to be consistent because I know that if I just let my cat outside, then I can go back to sleep.  But if I don’t, then he will continue to meow for the next hour or so.  But the website then says, “Inconsistency will lead to your cat continuing to wake you at night.  If you are consistent with not interacting, then your cat will no longer wake you after 10 days to 2 weeks.”

So we are on night three of my new plan.  I have been feeding my cat at 8 am and 5 pm for three days straight and he has meowed for about a half an hour for two nights and we didn’t interact with him.  It hasn’t been too bad because now we have a plan.  Before, it just drove my husband crazy because it felt like we didn’t have control, but now we have a plan and we are a united front!

Lessons learned:


1) You get into a rut and think that what you are experiencing is the only option.  But it’s not.


2) Inconsistency breeds insecurity and unwanted behavior.


3)  Making a plan is the first step to changing behavior


Turns out, all I needed was a cat whisperer!



This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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1Jan

“How we spend our days is how we spend our lives”

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Parental Support Positive Parenting Unplugging
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days-of-lives

This is a quote from Annie Dillard and it really speaks to me on the first day of the new year.


Are our days rushed, stressed and unfulfilled?

Or are we able to breathe and enjoy our days?

The negative moments in our lives are just a moment, but strung together, they are our lives.

There are many days that I still can’t believe that I’m a parent.  I keep thinking that one day I will actually feel like a parent and will know and understand what that feeling is, but it may end up that I’ll be lying on my death bed and finally realize that I was a parent this whole time.  

So what does that mean?

  • It means making conscious decisions about parenting.  
  • It means deciding that we will all eat together at least once per week.  
  • It means that there will be no devices at the table.  
  • It means that I will take a deep breath in front of my children as they are losing it and I’m about to lose it as well.
  • It means that the majority of my interactions with my children will be positive.  So if I find that I have three snippety utterances, then the next nine things I say will have to be positive!
  • It means that I will be clear about my expectations with my children rather than assuming that they know what I am asking of them. 

Because the way that I parent today is the parent that I am.   

Seriously, I still don’t feel like a parent.  What does that truly feel like?

If you want your 2014 to be calmer, your children to listen better, your family to be more connected, contact me today and we will get you started on a parenting plan.  The initial consultation is free

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30Dec

One simple trick to help your children play better and clean up easier!

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Positive Parenting
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rotate-toys

With Christmas just behind us and the onslaught of new gadgets overwhelming us, let me tell you about another great little trick.

You may have heard about the idea to put a lot of the new Christmas toys away and slowly bring them out as each month goes by.  I love that idea and I want you to take it a step further.  Do it all the time instead of just at the holidays. 

Rotate your toys!

Almost every preschool teacher in the world does this and it is really quite simple and superbly brilliant!

If you have any storage space at all (or if you are like me and live in a small house, create storage space by building high shelves) then put the majority of your children’s toys away in that space. This space should be out of reach and out of sight.  

Rotate your toys!

This way, you only have a couple of toys out with which the children can play.  It may sound counterintuitive because if the children only have a couple of toys out, they are going to fight more and they are going to be bored quicker, but it actually works the other way.

Here’s some things that will happen by rotating your toys:

  • Children are less stimulated and overwhelmed by the sight, noise and options of toys and will be calmer.
  • The toys will be more interesting since they haven’t seen the toys in a couple of months and they will be more engaged.
  • Children need to learn how to take turns with toys and once they are used to the idea of fewer toys and they have learned how to take turns, they will be able to navigate the play room more easily.
  • Cleaning up toys is an issue with every child and every parent and if you have fewer toys and the children know where each toys belongs, then cleanup is easier, faster and less of a headache.
 
Start by getting some opaque storage crates because it helps in organizing the toys and if you haven’t created storage room yet, you can just stack them in a corner.  Pack up about 60% of your children’s toys in these boxes and almost immediately, you will feel lighter and you will see the difference in the way your children play.
 
Rotate those toys!

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15Dec

“Don’t wake the baby!” How to keep one sibling from waking the other

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Siblings Sleep
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siblings

When you have one child, you do just about anything to not wake the baby.

But then you have another child.  And now you have extra work to not wake the baby.

Here’s the thing:

Children learn how to sleep.  


So a child who is born in a really hot humid climate, will know how to sleep in a hot humid climate. (My children cannot sleep if it is over 75º however…)

A child who is born into a noisy household, will know how to sleep though all the noise.

A child who is born with a barking dog, will know how to sleep even when the dog is barking all of the time.

A child who is born with a twin will be able to sleep though the other child’s wailing.

It is a common frustration for mothers with toddlers and babies to feel like they need to indulge the toddler’s every whim to keep them from waking the baby, but they aren’t doing anyone a favor.  The new baby will learn how to sleep with the other child crying/ screaming.  And when I say “learn” I am implying that there will be times that the baby does wake due to the noise.  These times will be super frustrating, but just like anything and everything with having children, “this too shall pass.”

So when your older child is screaming because you have set the limit of no more milk at bedtime, then stick with that limit even though it will wake the baby. 

And when you have a bunch of people over to your house, let the older children be loud even though that will wake the baby.  

When you stop breast feeding one child at night which causes a lot of tears and might wake the other child, stick to your new plan even though it creates a lot of disruption.  The other child will learn to get through this as well.  

We can do hard things and we can learn new things.

I was fortunate enough to have two babies that woke each other and I learned from watching them, that they learn to sleep through each other’s screams.  Did they wake sometimes from the noise?  They sure did, but then they also learned to sleep through the noise and eventually became great sleepers.  It taught me that we have trained the adults to create a sterile sleeping environment that doesn’t emulate real life and once we realize that kids can learn to sleep through anything, then we can hold boundaries for our other kids. 

So the take away from all of this- is that you will wake the baby. The baby will survive and everyone will eventually get sleep.  And babies who learn to sleep through all of the noise often become better sleepers in the end.  

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2Dec

I missed the pumpkin pie! (but I kept my word..)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Positive Parenting Sleep
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pumpkin

Thanksgiving came and went and of course was delicious and relaxing.

We were still at my mother’s house a couple of days later when my boys were still having difficulty going to bed.  There was so much going on during bedtime, that every night it took an hour or more of them wanting mom or dad before finally falling asleep.  After three nights of this, we had a little talk.

“I know that it is harder to go to bed with so much going on, but Mama needs to help clean up so I can’t spend too much time in here with you guys.  So tonight I can lay down with you for ten minutes, and then I need to go and there won’t be any fussing. Ok?”

“Ok.”

So I laid down with them for about ten minutes and then I got up to go.

“Mama no go! Mama lay down!”

“I’d love to lay down with you longer, but I need to finish cleaning up the kitchen.”

“Ok.  Mama clean up kitchen and then mama come back and lay down.”

So I said “Ok, I’ll clean up and then I’ll come back to check on you but I won’t be able to stay”.

I left and they didn’t fuss at all.  I went back to the kitchen and of course, everything was cleaned up already so I just put a couple of toys away and sat down and relaxed for a minute.

My mother was getting the leftover pie ready for our last go at it and I could have left the boys because they were quiet, they were happy and they probably would have fallen asleep on their own at this point.  But I told them that I would come back.   I sat there for a moment, seriously pondering my choices: hang out with the adults and eat the leftover pie or go back in and probably create more of a problem when everything was going just fine.

So I kept my word.  I went back into the boys’ room.  Both of them were almost asleep and I pretty much woke them back up.  But I built trust that evening.  It took another 15 minutes to get out of there again and it took them even longer to fall asleep.  But for that one evening where I missed eating the pie (and my ice cream was mostly melted) I gained many more years of trust.

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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21Nov

The two hour (three hour, four hour..) bedtime routine

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Sleep
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We all know it, we have either been there, heard others talk of it, or are dreading the future inevitability of the two plus hour bedtime routine.

It starts out with the parent in charge: 

Put your pajamas on.  Brush your teeth.

And then about 45 minutes in, the children take over:

“One more story.”  “Mom?  Mo-oooom!”  “I need another drink.”  “I’m not TIRED!”  

You end up giving in to each demand because at the back of your mind, you are thinking, “If I don’t give them what they want, it will be two hours of screaming and and I just do this last thing, they will go to bed.”

But we also know in the back of our mind, that they won’t go to bed, they will just ask for something else.

Then we lay down with the children knowing that at least they will eventually fall asleep this way and at 10:30 pm we will finally have some time to ourselves.

But this is no way to live, for us or for the kids.

So what to do?

First, tell the kids that things are going to change.  Talk about the bedtime routine and even make a schedule with pictures and words.  Tell them that this is the only routine that you will have and there won’t be any additions or subtractions.  Then post the schedule somewhere where everyone can see it and everyone is on the same page.

Second, (and this is the HARD part), follow the routine.  Don’t stray like you previously have done.  Whenever your child starts to ask for something more, remind them, “Sorry, it’s not part of our routine.”  Kiss them goodnight, and then close the door and leave.

Will your child be happy about this?  Possibly, but probably not.  They may yell and scream.  They may try to leave the room.  You have some options here depending on your parenting styles.  But you don’t have the option to give in to their demands.  You can rub their back for a minute and leave them be for ten minutes and continue the one minute rub/ten minute break until they fall asleep.  You can close the door and stand guard.  You can lay down on their floor for two minutes.  But whatever you do, know that it will take a couple of days to two weeks for you to see any changes in behavior   They are used to getting what they want and you need to remind them that the routine has changed.

Stick to it!  Consistency is key.

Talk about their good behavior.  If they did really well on one thing (like brushing their teeth, or only asking for one story) then talk about how awesome that was even if they cried for 45 minutes after that.  

Talk about the new schedule with them (again!!) and tell that that they are going to do really well with it tonight.  

Stick to it!  The change won’t happen overnight.  It will take a while for them to get used to it, but they will get used to.  Children can adapt to anything. 


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15Nov

Children want order (even though all they do is create chaos)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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order

If you have children, you have chaos in your life.  They turn our whole lives upside down even if (especially if) we prefer order in our lives.  

But here’s the thing: Children want and need order in their lives too.

They need the same thing over and over and over in their lives.

They need the same bedtime (ish) every night.  

They need the same story read a zillion times.

They need the same food in front of them about 15-20 times before they feel comfortable with it.


They need the same people in their lives as much as possible.

They need the same song over and over a trillion times.

They need to know where the toys belong (box for cars, shelf for books, basket for food, etc)

They need the same consequence that they are done eating every time they throw their food.

They need to have the same holiday traditions every year until they are doing it for their kids as well.




They need toys that have all their pieces, aren’t broken and are organized. 

They need the same calm reaction to their tantrums that lets them know they are safe.

When children have order in their lives, they feel more secure.  When children feel more secure in their lives, they have fewer behavior issues. 

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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11Nov

Keeping them in the loop

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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loop

When it comes to young children, we certainly don’t have to tell them everything, but it is surprising what keeping them in the loop will do for their behavior.

This technique is also best when started the earliest.  And I’m talking newborns.  It seems very strange to tell your newborn what you are doing, but they absorb more than we can imagine and it sets them up for understanding more as they grow. 

So what does this look like?

For us, my favorite memory of keeping my boys in the loop was one weekend when we were up in the mountains.  We decided to stay up there through dinner and then drive back right as the boys go down for bed.  This meant that they would fall asleep in the car, but then we would have to wake them once we got home to transfer them to their beds.  They were one and a half years old.  So we explained everything to them, all the steps, everything that would happen.

Once we got in the car, they fell asleep almost immediately.  They slept the whole way home.  We pulled up in front of our house and woke them up ever so sweetly.  Both boys started to laugh!  I couldn’t figure out why they were laughing until I realized that they were laughing at the fact they they knew this was going to happen and it did!  We carried them to their beds, kissed them and they fell asleep immediately again. 

So when you are keeping your children in the loop, you tell them what is going to happen good or bad.

We tend to not tell our children what is going to happen if it is going to be even slightly un-pleasant and it works just the opposite.  If you prepare them and tell them exactly what is going to happen, then to can cope with things much better.    

Take shots, for example, if you practice giving shots at home, tell your child that you are going to get shots, and then talk about how good they did afterwards, then your child will be less afraid of them than if you just spring it upon them.  

If you are changing part of your nighttime routine (no more feeding in the middle of the night, no more pacifier, no more “just one more mommy please!”) then let your child know.  Keep them in the loop.  Talk about it (even if they are teeny tiny) and then when it happens, they might even laugh about it!

When we communicate well with our children, it makes them feel more secure which helps immensely with behavior.  It also teaches them great communication skills.  It teaches them that communication can help us get through hard times.

Again, you don’t have to go overboard and tell them everything that is going to happen but one thing I love to do with my little little ones is tell them our list of to-do things.  For instance, today we are going to the bank, grocery store, computer store and park.  Or, today we have to take out the trash, put away our clothes and then make muffins.  I say it over and over.  Then as we do each task, they smile and are happy that they know exactly what to expect.  

Start today with keeping your kids in the loop!

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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1Nov

Parenting should be renamed to “consistency-ing”

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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consistency

The one place where pretty much every parent has difficulty is in being consistent.   Children know this, and that is why they behave how they do.  They are looking for the cracks.  They want to know when and how you will cave.  But all you need to do is be consistent.

The best way we could all remember to be consistent is to change parenting to “consistency-ing”.  Then we’ll never forget.

So when your infant is waking and sleeping at all odd hours and you can’t get a schedule, remind yourself that you aren’t parenting, you are consistency-ing and after a week of doing about the same thing everyday and every night, your child will have a better schedule. 

So when you tell your children that this is the last story before bedtime, and then the children proceed to beg for “Just one more.  Pleeease. But mom….!  It’s not fair!!”  You can answer calmly “Sorry, this is part of consistency-ing”.  And after about five nights, they will know that they get two books before bed and that’s it.

And when your toddler is being a little pill and you say, “if you do that one more time then you are going to be removed from this situation,” and five minutes later, they do it one more time.  Then instead of ignoring it (which is “parenting”) scoop him up and remove him from the situation (which is “consistency-ing”). 

The amazing thing about “consistency-ing” is that it makes life so much easier.  All you have to do is be consistent 3-10 times and they get it.   Once they know that you are “consistency-ing” instead of parenting, they won’t need to ask as much because they already know the answer.   

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