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23Aug

How to teach consent to toddlers and preschoolers

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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In all this talk about consent with teenagers and young adults, it is important to look at how we teach our young boys.  We should also be teaching our girls about consent, but the two lessons are different.  Here’s what you can do with your little boys:

Boys like to play physically and that is a good thing. Boys like to push boundaries physically and that is also a good thing.  Boys need to know that “stop” means “stop” even when (and especially when) they are toddlers and preschoolers.

I just read this comic strip about consent and I think it is brilliant, but I truly believe that the teaching starts when children are very young.  It starts when they are playing around with their father, brothers, neighbors, friends.

In my household, tickling is a very common thing.  The boys love to tickle and their papa loves to tickle.  When they were answering questions for their Father’s Day presents, the most common response was, “I love it when my papa tickles me.” “My favorite thing about my papa is tickling”.

However, in the midst of a tickling fest, there will often be a “no!”  or a “stop!”.  No matter who is saying the no or the stop, the action has to stop.  This is important for my boys to know and it is also important for my husband to know.  Because this is where it gets tough.  They are having fun, there is momentum to continue, but they also want to stop.  But as soon as anyone says “no” or “stop”, they have to stop.

This isn’t as easy as it sounds.  Everyone is having fun, everyone is laughing and no one really wants it to end, it just got to be too much.   But this is where little boys learn about physical limits, respecting the other person, and being able to stop something that has a lot of momentum.

It isn’t easy for my husband either.  He knows that another tickle will get another laugh and he doesn’t want to fun to end.  But “no” means “no” and “stop” means “stop”.  

It may sound like I might be stretching; relating fun wrestling and tickling with little boys to consensual sex with teenagers and adults, but it isn’t a stretch.   If you wait until your son is a teenager to teach about consent, respect and “no” means “no” then you are waiting too long.

 

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5Jul

How to deal with lying or fibbing

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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It happens all too soon; your super sweet child tells you something that you know is the exact opposite of what actually happened.  If you can’t trust them, what can you do?

It is pretty normal and not at all devious for children to lie at a young age.  Up until the age of 5, imagination and reality are very nebulous in a child’s mind.  Around 5 years old is the age where Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and other stories start to get separated into fiction and non-fiction and with it, children start to experiment with truth and fiction.  They don’t see it as manipulation at this age.  One thing that you could do to help with those situations is to ask about the future, rather than the past.  This is an important part of problem solving.

In each situation, you will never know exactly what happened so whenever you come upon a situation where something undesirable has happened, you try to figure out what the problem is and what some solutions are.  Instinctively, we want to find out what happened and who did what and this is an open invitation for children to either fib, lie or just state the situation from their point of view.  This often looks like:

Mom: “What happened?”

Child A: “I didn’t do it!”

Child B (if more than one child is involved”): “He broke it!”

Child A: “It wasn’t my fault! He did it!”

Either Child: “No I didn’t!”

Mom: “You are both grounded!”

And this could could go on for a while and I didn’t make specifics because the conversation is often the same and we never really find out what did happen and it’s possible they are both lying.  When you are problem solving, it looks more like this:

Mom: “What happened? What’s the problem here?”

Child A: “I didn’t do it!”

Mom: “Is the problem that the toy broke?”

Child B: “He broke it!”

Mom: “Is the problem that the toy broke?  If it is, then how can we solve the problem?”

Child A: “We could put it back together?”

Child B:”But it will never be the same!”

Mom: “So one idea is that we can try to put it back together.  Another idea is that we can try to find a way to get another of the same toy.  What do you guys think?”

And then it goes on this way with more discussion and finally either a solution that everyone is happy with or a solution that mom puts the toy away. Your whole goal with problem solving is working into the future and not delving on the past.

As children get older (5 years old and on..) then may lie to get something and this will feel like a dagger to the heart, but it is still normal and not something to fret over.

It is important to look at what is the reason behind the lie?  What is he trying to do?  Is he trying to fit in with his friends?  Is he questioning the purpose of a rule?  This is a great conversation starter to see into his mind and start problem solving.

Most older children will lie to protect their interests.  When I was about 8 years old, my mother told me that I HAD to wear my hat to school or I would freeze to death.  So everyday, I would put my hat on and as soon as I was around the corner, I would remove my hat so that I wouldn’t have hat head when I got to school.  I needed to protect my reputation, make sure that the other kids liked me.  And when my mom asked me later if I wore my hat, I would say, “yes.”  Our interests were radically different.  She wanted me to stay warm, I wanted to have friends. You have to look at the motivation behind the action and start the conversation there.   

Natural consequences are the best teachers.  You can tell children over and over not to lose their toys or that if they are wet, they’ll be cold, but until they experience it themselves, they aren’t really going to learn.

Another instance where a child might lie is if you tell them not to bring a toy with them to school, and then later you find it in their backpack.  They were lying to you, but they were only trying to protect their interests.

So you can set up a situation by saying, “I wouldn’t bring that toy if it were me, because it is special and irreplaceable.  It would be a huge bummer if it broke or was lost.”  Then it is up to them whether or not to bring it.  You have set it up that it isn’t a good idea, but they won’t learn until they lose or break a toy.  Then you can be very empathetic (don’t say “I told you so!” No one likes to hear that and it doesn’t teach empathy) and say, “I’m so sorry that happened.  I can help you look for 5 minutes but then we have to leave.”

All kids lie to a degree especially when no one is getting hurt by the lie.  It is normal and even adults will have small lies here and there. The best way to teach honesty is to model it and know that no one is perfect.

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13Jun

Let’s talk about consent and young boys

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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I’ve been reading a lot lately about teaching consent and how to get the point across to students in college and high school and as young as middle school.  But you can very easily start with toddlers and preschoolers about consent. 

You have to be the model.

It is super duper important that dads and other adult male figures wrestle and rough-play with their boys.  There have been lots of studies on why this is important.  But probably the most important part of the play is communication.  

As soon as your child says “stop” or “no” or shows sign of no longer wanting to continue (whining, frowning, etc) then you stop and say, “You’re done, I’ll stop.”  

Then the hard part is actually stopping.  Your child will turn around and want to wrestle some more and here’s where the teaching and the learning begins.  “No, I could tell a minute ago that you had enough.  We’ll stop for now and if you want to play again later. Let me know.”  And your child is going to say, “I wanna wrestle more!” and again, you are the model.  “That’s good, but you just said, “No” and I’m going to respect that.  Let’s toss a ball or read a book for a bit and then we can see how you are feeling later.”  

This is hard.  It is SO hard because you were both having fun and even though your little one showed a sign of not wanting to continue, they are saying that they do.  And you have to teach them that no means no, that we communicate in many ways and that we are respectful of each other.  

If you are the dad, then you need to do this.  Do this for all our sons and daughters.  If you are the mom, talk about it with the dad and be the voice that says, “He said no, you need to stop.”

It’s funny because I’m always reminding my husband to stop when either child fusses, says no, or shows that they don’t want to continue playing.  But a couple of weeks ago, I was playing with my boys and we were both laughing and though the laughter, one of them yelled, “No!” and I didn’t stop.   Then from across the room, I heard my husband say, “He just said ‘stop!’ You need to stop!”  and I stopped and thanked my husband because sometimes we all need reminders.

There’s a lot of great articles about teaching children about their private parts and being comfortable with saying no or about children and adults asking for permission to hug or touch.  All of these things together are how we build a new culture of respect and consent. 

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15Mar

How to Connect With Your Child When They are Misbehaving

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Right now, I’m reading No Drama Discipline by Daniel J Seigel and Tina Payne Bryson and I can recommend it for all the parents who have a little bit of free time.  For all the parents who don’t have a ton of free time, I will write about some of the most important concepts that I got from the book.

First of all, the authors don’t actually recommend using consequences because positive parenting and attachment parenting have been moving rapidly away from that word. However, they explicitly state that limits need to be set and boundaries need to be made.  So instead of using the word consequence, they talk about problem solving, and natural consequences (which don’t include the parent having power over the child).

Both problem solving and natural consequences are great ways to set limits, but as I talk with many parents, the reality is that they use those when they can and when they can’t, they need another tool that is quick and already at their fingertips.  

This tool would be first connect, then consequence.

This technique allows you to parent in a positive way because you are connecting with your child when they need you.  But you are also setting limits and letting them know that their behavior isn’t OK.  And that is where the balance is.

First connect, then consequence:

There are three main ways to connect:

1. Give an explanation

This is more for younger children who don’t have as much language, but can be for older children as well.  An explanation is more respectful than “Because I said so.”  The explanation shouldn’t be long and drawn out.  You set the limit and then add just a couple words to explain why we are setting the limit.  

2. Ask for input

This is the best technique for keeping a balance of control.  You set the limit and then ask them for a little input.  Would they like to do something instead or would they like to do what they are doing in a place or way that would be appropriate.

3. Check emotions

This is a great technique to teach empathy.  After setting the limit, you can suggest a possible emotion if the child is younger, or you can ask about their state of being if they are older.

Let’s look at a couple of scenarios:

You are making breakfast and your husband is rushing out the door asking for you to help him with something and your child throws something or hits something and starts screaming.

You need to set a limit and let your child know that hitting, throwing and screaming aren’t OK.  You don’t have time to problem solve so to set the limit, you first connect and then consequence.  

  1. Give an explanation

“No hitting or throwing, that isn’t safe.  I need to help your papa and make breakfast now.  If you do that again, I’m going to have to find a place for you where everyone will be safe.”

2. Ask for input

“We don’t hit or throw things. Would you like a soft ball to throw instead? (for younger children)   Do you want to help me make breakfast or what would you like to do instead? (for older children).  If you do that again, I’m going to have to find a place for you where everyone will be safe.”

3. Check emotions

“You may not hit or throw things.  You may be upset that I can’t help you right now. (for younger children)   Are you hungry?  What’s bothering you? (for older children).  If you do that again, however, I will have to find a place for you where everyone will be safe.”

As families move more towards using positive parenting and attachment parenting, setting limits and boundaries becomes increasingly more confusing if you aren’t allowed to use consequences.  So in order to remain positive and build your relationship with your child rather than tear it down, while still setting limits you:

First connect, then consequence.

I love this book, because it is very clear about setting limits and I really feel like that is the part that parents struggle with the most.  But it is also very clear that if you go right into setting the limit and giving a consequence then you are losing out on building your relationship with your child and helping them learn.

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2Mar

Why You Should Never Bribe- Except These Three Times

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Bribe

We know as adults that bribing doesn’t feel good; it doesn’t feel right.  If our boss were to say, “If you’d stay a couple of hours later tonight, I’ll bring you a chocolate cake tomorrow”; we’d probably stay and do the extra work but deep inside we might be thinking, “gosh, I didn’t need him to offer the chocolate cake, I would have stayed anyway.”

It feels even weirder when someone in our family bribes us.  If our spouse were to say, “If you were to keep the house a bit cleaner, then you’d get a special ice cream.”  Well, wow.  First of all, it feels weird that they think they have the power over us to do that.  Second of all, they can help clean the house. Third of all, I’d like something special because you enjoy the time you spend with me, not because I clean the house.  Lastly, I do the best I can to clean the house.  I would have grave concerns about my marriage if this ever happened.

And what about rewards? Rewards are just another type of bribe.  A child who gets a prize for good behavior is the same thing as bribing a child.

There are two reasons why bribing doesn’t feel right to us and isn’t appropriate for most reasons when working with young children.

Bribing affects long-term relationships

One example of this is when parents bribe their children for eating.  If you eat all of your dinner, then you can have dessert.  This is by far one of the most common bribes that parents use.  It works, it is easy and it gets the job done.  However, it affects the child’s lifelong relationship with food. It gets to the point where the child demands dessert, the entire meal is plagued with negotiation and frustration and as they get older they idolize sweets as the end-all-be-all.

Instead of bribing children with dessert, you have a couple of options: 1) Offer the dessert (fruit, sweet muffin, or even a cookie) with dinner.  This will seem very strange at first and the child will eat the dessert first, but then continue to eat the dinner without a fuss.  Or: 2) The child is done eating when they are full.  Sometimes there is something sweet after dinner and sometimes there isn’t.  It really models how we want to be as adults and again, it will be strange at first, especially if everyone is used to bribes, but it really does work.

A second example of how bribing affects life long relationships is when a parent offers a treat for a certain behavior.   Sometimes parents will say, “I have a treat in the car for you if we leave right now.”   When we try to control another person’s behavior through bribes, we are saying two things; 1) I have all of the control and you have none and 2) people can be manipulated by giving them things.

We want our children to build life long positive relationship with their family members as well as everyone around them.  They can’t build positive relationship by controlling other people and using ‘treats’ to control them.  There needs to be some equality in the amount of control to have a positive relationship and gifts should be given because of the joy it brings, not because it can manipulate people.

Bribing affects intrinsic motivation

This one is pretty obvious and we all know it, and yet, we still bribe our children.  When we ask them to do something with a reward at the end, we are teaching them to do things based on what they will receive rather than how it will make them feel.  We are separating them from the essential skill to decide to do things for themselves.

The pipe dream for most parents is for children to be OK (or even want to) help out with chores, or do their homework.  These are the types of jobs that we want our children to be motivated intrinsically to do.  So the worst thing to do is bribe them for these behaviors.  This will make them want to do them even less.  What you need to so is build these behaviors into your daily life.  Show them that mom and dad do their chores and their work without fussing.  Talk about how nice the house is or how the family can support themselves when they do a good job.

I’m not saying that you can’t set a limit.  For instance, if you child needs to clean up after dinner and you don’t want to bribe him by saying, ‘if you clean up, you can get a treat’, you can say, ‘We all clean up after ourselves. Once you clean up, we can have play time.’  or another option is, ‘We all clean up after ourselves.  I’d be happy to do it for you, but then I won’t have time to help you read a book before bedtime.’

But you don’t want to be saying, ‘We need to leave the park now.  If you get into the car, I’ll get you an ice cream.’  Instead, you can say, ‘We need to leave the park now.  Would you like to come back again next week?’  I’m not saying that your child won’t fuss simply because you ask them if they want to go back to the park again.  They will, and fussing is OK.  Your children have emotions and being upset that they have to leave is an acceptable emotion.  You can comfort them by saying, ‘I know, I love to come to the park too and leaving can be hard.  Do you want to come back next week?’

When are the three times bribing is OK and why?

The three times that it is OK to bribe your children is potty training, working with children with special needs and during or after big physical feats.

Potty training

Pretty much every parent talks about using M&M’s during potty training but most parents don’t know why.   Let’s first look at the two reasons we don’t want to bribe; long-term relationships and intrinsic motivation.  Potty training is neither of these.  Your child won’t have a long-term relationship with learning how to pee and poop.  It may take years to finally stop having accidents, but the act of usually getting our waste into the toilet is short-lived.  There are also no problems with children not having enough intrinsic motivation using the bathroom.  We don’t hear older children saying, “I really should use the bathroom, but I just can’t motivate myself to do it.”

Because potty training doesn’t go against building a long-term relationship or intrinsic motivation, it is perfectly fine to use bribing to get results.

Children with special needs

I have spent many years working with children with special needs and although all children are different, there are a lot of children who benefit from using rewards for certain behaviors.  For children who are on the autism spectrum, they develop relationships differently than typically developing children.  The way that they build relationships aren’t always harmed by using rewards.  They also have a different way of being motivated.  Their brains work differently and I have found that using rewards and bribes only affects them in a positive way rather than in a negative way.

During or after a big physical feat or getting something special for doing something special

Let’s again look at the two reasons to avoid bribing, long-term relationships and intrinsic motivation.  If you were to offer an energy pill (skittle or small candy) during a bike, hike or ski, then you are not affecting any long-term relationships. Your child will learn that a little food during a physical activity helps with energy, which is absolutely scientifically correct.

Or if you were to offer a trip to the ice cream parlor after a big bike ride or after the swim race, then you  aren’t affecting long-term relationships or intrinsic motivation.  The child will still perform just as well during the bike ride or the swim race, with or without the ice cream.   And they may associate a big physical day with something fun at the end which is an OK association.  How many of you go out for a yummy meal after a big hike, bike ride or climb?  We certainly do.  It is enjoying life and celebrating all of the things we are physically able to do.

Treats vs. bribing

Just like rewards are the same thing as bribes (you do this and you get that) treats are very different.  Treats are simply for the sake of something special.  This definition does it more justice than I ever could:

“An event or item that is out of the ordinary and gives great pleasure.”

Life isn’t just about abstaining ourselves from enjoying treats.  Treats by their very nature are special things to have every once in a while.  As soon as we are giving out treats for every behavior, they are no longer treats by definition.

So taking your children out for an ice cream every once in a while, or getting a new toy at the store, “just because” are encouraged.  Just don’t attach them to any behavior and you won’t be negatively affecting any long-term relationships or intrinsic motivation.

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19Jan

Five ways to be screen free (or screen limited)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Unplugging
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This is one of those things that just happens.  Before we have kids we really want to be the parents that don’t give their child a screen to calm them down or entertain them, and then real life happens and it is a lot harder than we ever thought it would be.

But here’s the thing, giving our children an unplugged childhood is a gift that only we can give them.  They can’t choose it for themselves and if we think about our childhoods, we remember all the times we were outside, exploring, playing,and we realize that our parents were never in this quandary.  This problem is ours and all ours. It is up to us to do this for our children.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children remain screen free for the first two years of their life.  This is a huge developmental period and should be filled with interactions and hands on activities.  After the first two years, you can start adding in videos or games but the time should still be limited and not during family time.

So here are five things you can do to ultimately make your life easier (yes! it is actually much much easier in the long run to be screen free or screen limited) and to give your children the gift of an unplugged childhood.

1) Make a plan

Without a plan, you won’t be able to keep your children screen free or screen limited.  Talk with your spouse ahead of time so that you don’t find yourself in a situation where you have to give your child a screen.  

2) Carry stickers and fruit chews with you everywhere

Having an arsenal of non-screen distractions will help you keep the screen from appearing in front of your child.  Buy some cheap stickers online or at a craft store and bring them with you everywhere.  When a situation comes up where your child is bored, give them some stickers instead of a screen.

The time that I was most wanting to use a screen to reign in my children was when they were screaming.  Either because they were hurt, tired, hungry or just screaming because they were kids, I didn’t know what to do.  Turns out, fruit chews worked really well.  If they were sucking on something sweet (that isn’t a choking hazard and is mildly healthy) then they couldn’t cry.  Worked like a charm.

3) Have the option to leave

This one is super important.  We often don’t get out of the house enough, or we are so excited to see our friends, that we don’t leave open the possibility to leave the situation.  If we can’t leave, then we have to give the child something to do for distraction.

If you can leave when your child can’t sit still or stop screaming, then you are dealing with the situation without giving them a screen.  This may sound drastic, but it isn’t every time that you have to leave.  

Two situations where you might not be able to leave are when you are in a car or on an airplane.  For the car situation, I try to find places where we can get out and walk and get some fresh air, food and exercise and that takes care of that problem.  And for an airplane, I use the old-fashioned techniques that our parent’s used: lots of interesting toys, stickers, games and just walking up and down the aisle.

4) Have a “no-devices-at-the-table” rule

This one is also super important.  If you carve out part of your day where there aren’t screens, then you won’t fall into the trap of giving your child a screen for distraction.  Dinner time is one of the most important times of the day for a family to get together and even if your little one isn’t a part of the conversation, they are watching, observing, learning and listening.  They see how adults interact and they hear stories about the world.  Eventually, they will sit and converse with you (if you don’t give them a screen) so the hard part is now- the benefit (which is huge) comes later. 

5) Go outside at least once per day

This last one doesn’t seem at all related but it really is.  One of the reasons that we turn the screen on is because we are all tapped out of energy and we can’t muster anything else.  But if we open the door and get outside for even a couple of minutes (I know how hard that it when it is 3 degrees below zero, but those are the most important days to get outside) you will feel refreshed and refueled without turning to a screen.

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18Aug

When your toddler says “no” you say “yes”

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Parental Support Positive Parenting
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yes

You have probably said your share of “no” before breakfast if you have a toddler (or any age child for that matter..) and you might be wanting to say that dreadful word less, but don’t know how.  You want to set limits, but you also want to parent in a positive way.

Here’s a way that you can do it:

When you want to say “no”, tell the child what they can do, when they can do it or when you can help them.

Here’s a bunch of examples and we’ll start with my favorite one:

When you are at the park and it’s time to leave and your child starts to get fussy, your reaction might be to say, “No more fussing!  Let’s get in the stroller!”

But instead, you can say, “Would you like to come back to this park next week?”

If your child is sitting in their high chair or at the table eating and they start throwing food, your first thought might be to say, “No throwing food, we eat our food.”

But instead, you can say, “Are you finished eating?” and then take the food away.

If you are getting your child ready for bed and they are asking for another book, your instinct will be to say, “No more books for tonight.”

But instead, you can say, “Let’s save this book for tomorrow!”

If your child is saying, “Pick me up, up up up!” you might respond by saying, “No, I can’t right now, I’m making dinner.”

But instead, you can say, (even if the child is fussing), “I can pick you up as soon as my hands are clean!”

If your child hits you or another child or person, you will need to set a limit, but you can do it in a positive way.  You will want to say, “No hitting”

But instead, you can say, “We take good care of each other.  If you need some space, just let me know.”

I find that the majority of the fussing happens when my children are hungry or tired, so many times, instead of saying no, I say, “Do you want a bite to eat?”  or “Would you like to lay down and snuggle for a bit?”  This doesn’t work at first because most children take a while to develop enough self-awareness to know what is bothering them.  But soon, they will be able to answer with a “yes.”

So if you stop saying “no”, you are not allowing the behavior, you are just letting the child know what is allowed.

This is still setting limits, but in a positive way.

The benefits from this type of communication are many:

Increases vocabulary

If you are just saying “no” all the time, chances are, one of the first words your child will say is “no”.  Then the tables will soon turn and they can use that word against you when they get a bit older. But if you are really talking with your child and explaining things, then they pick up on all of those words and will have a bigger vocabulary in the long run.

Helps with problem solving skills

When you tell your child what can happen instead of what can’t happen, you are teaching your child that there are different options.  For example, when you tell your child, “You can throw rocks into the river if there aren’t any people or animals around, but it isn’t safe to throw rocks at people”, you are telling them that there is more than one option or more than one solution to a problem.  What is the problem? Throwing rocks hurts people and animals.  What is one solution?  Not throwing rocks at all.  What is another solution? Throwing rocks only when nothing is around.  What is another solution? Throwing balls or seeds instead of rocks. What is another solution? Going home.

Teaches delayed gratification and waiting skills

It is really hard for young children to wait.  Unfortunately, the best way to teach waiting is to have children wait. Instead of saying “no”, you can tell your children, “Yes, in a couple of minutes.”  Or as they get older and you can start teaching delayed gratification, you can say, “Yes, this weekend we can do that.”

So think about the Conditional Yes when your child’s behavior is unacceptable and instead of saying, “NO!”, say what can happen instead.

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28Jan

Two things you should never do during a tantrum (and what to do instead…)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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tantrum1

I talk a lot about tantrums, mostly because they are the center of toddler-hood, but also because they cause a lot of unwanted stress.

So here are two things to never do during a tantrum:

1) Give in.

2) Get mad.

Most likely in your journey as a parent, you are going to do both, but you should do differently starting tomorrow and here is why:

1) Don’t give in.  You child is looking to see where the wall is.  Where the limit is.  As soon as you give in, he has to keep looking.   This is very hard on children and very hard on parents.

For example, your toddler wants the crusts off his sandwich.  In the midst of cutting off the crusts, you cut the sandwich in half which is what he usually likes.  You give him the sandwich.

Toddler: “NOOO!!” Tears start streaming, face turns red.  “Put the sandwich back together!!!!”

You (not giving in): “I’m sorry, I thought that was how you liked it.”

Toddler (potentially throwing the sandwich, hopefully not): “NOOooo!! Put it back together!!”

At this point, you could give in and make him another sandwich.  It would diffuse this situation, but it would only create future situations where your child has to learn what the limit it.  DO NOT GIVE IN. Do not make another sandwich.   Your child can either eat the sandwich you made or not eat the lunch.  

I realize that you want to make another sandwich.  You don’t want the tantrum and the new sandwich will calm everything down.  But if you do give in, then your child has to test the limits again later and will have to see if it is OK to tantrum about something else. 

Don’t give in!

You (still not giving in): “So sorry, but sandwiches don’t go back together.  Do you want to eat or are you all done?”

2) Don’t get mad.  Again, your child is looking to you to see what is ok and what is not ok.  Is it ok to start screaming about sandwiches?  If you start screaming too, then the answer is “Yes.”  If you remain calm then the answer is “No.”

Toddler: “NOOO!!” Tears start streaming, face turns red.  “Put the sandwich back together!!!!”

You (remaining calm): “So sorry about the sandwich, do you want to eat it or are you all done?”

You are going to want to say, “What?!? Are you effing ridiculous? You always want me to cut it up and now you want me to put it back together?!?!?”

Toddler: “No no no no no. put it back. put it back. put it back. put it back.  put it back TOGETHERRRRRRRR!” 

You (remaining calm):  “Are you all done then?”  

You are going to want to say, “If I hear one more word out of you, you are going straight to time out!!”

But if you escalate the situation, two things happen, 1) your child doesn’t learn any skills to calm down and 2) that he can get a lot of attention out of one sandwich and that if he escalates more, then you will as well.  Empathy and calmness will shut the tantrum down (not immediately, but much more quickly).

What to do instead?

Just shut down the whole tantrum by saying “I’m sorry, but no”.

So, instead of giving in, hold strong and say, “I’m sorry, but no”.

And instead of getting mad, say, “I’m sorry, but no”.

I’m sorry, but no.

 

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21Nov

The two hour (three hour, four hour..) bedtime routine

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Sleep
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We all know it, we have either been there, heard others talk of it, or are dreading the future inevitability of the two plus hour bedtime routine.

It starts out with the parent in charge: 

Put your pajamas on.  Brush your teeth.

And then about 45 minutes in, the children take over:

“One more story.”  “Mom?  Mo-oooom!”  “I need another drink.”  “I’m not TIRED!”  

You end up giving in to each demand because at the back of your mind, you are thinking, “If I don’t give them what they want, it will be two hours of screaming and and I just do this last thing, they will go to bed.”

But we also know in the back of our mind, that they won’t go to bed, they will just ask for something else.

Then we lay down with the children knowing that at least they will eventually fall asleep this way and at 10:30 pm we will finally have some time to ourselves.

But this is no way to live, for us or for the kids.

So what to do?

First, tell the kids that things are going to change.  Talk about the bedtime routine and even make a schedule with pictures and words.  Tell them that this is the only routine that you will have and there won’t be any additions or subtractions.  Then post the schedule somewhere where everyone can see it and everyone is on the same page.

Second, (and this is the HARD part), follow the routine.  Don’t stray like you previously have done.  Whenever your child starts to ask for something more, remind them, “Sorry, it’s not part of our routine.”  Kiss them goodnight, and then close the door and leave.

Will your child be happy about this?  Possibly, but probably not.  They may yell and scream.  They may try to leave the room.  You have some options here depending on your parenting styles.  But you don’t have the option to give in to their demands.  You can rub their back for a minute and leave them be for ten minutes and continue the one minute rub/ten minute break until they fall asleep.  You can close the door and stand guard.  You can lay down on their floor for two minutes.  But whatever you do, know that it will take a couple of days to two weeks for you to see any changes in behavior   They are used to getting what they want and you need to remind them that the routine has changed.

Stick to it!  Consistency is key.

Talk about their good behavior.  If they did really well on one thing (like brushing their teeth, or only asking for one story) then talk about how awesome that was even if they cried for 45 minutes after that.  

Talk about the new schedule with them (again!!) and tell that that they are going to do really well with it tonight.  

Stick to it!  The change won’t happen overnight.  It will take a while for them to get used to it, but they will get used to.  Children can adapt to anything. 


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25Sep

Second guessing ourselves as parents

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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second guessing

There are so many ways to parent out there- attachment parenting, cry-it-out, organic versus non-organic, that it can make your head spin.  Not one of these ways is the absolute best or worst way to parent (although you may hear differently from fanatics).   

But one thing that any parent can avoid is second guessing their decision.  It is not good for children to have their parents backtrack after a decision is made.

I often hear, “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!”  Those words themselves tell me exactly what the problem is.  If you are trying everything, then you aren’t sticking with one thing until you see a change in behavior.  Consistency is what helps a child through a tough time because it builds stability.  

One issue that most parents deal with is helping their child sleep through the night.  Again, there are as many philosophies as there are book deals available, and no one philosophy is correct.  They all have good parts and bad parts.  But once you choose the philosophy, stick with it.  When your child is crying at 3 am, remember the words of your chosen philosopher and don’t go back on your decision.  It will be hard because if you chose a form of cry-it-out and you start to doubt yourself in the middle of the night, then you are just prolonging the process and confusing your child.  If you choose a form of co-sleeping and after a week decide that you can’t have them in the bed any longer, then you are just dragging it out.  

Same thing with disciplining.  There are many ways to discipline.  Choose one with your husband, and then stick with it.  Your children will thank you. 

I’ve been in situations where either me or my husband makes a disciplining decision off the cuff and we both immediately regret it.  But we look at each other and with a split second decision of solidarity, and we carry on through the bad parenting decision.

Why? Because it is important for the children to see us working as team (even with questionable parenting decisions) and it is important to be consistent.  Children feel safer with consistency and you build trust by following through with what you say you are going to do.

 

 

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