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18Feb

It’s OK that some things are hard (Don’t take away the challenges)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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challenges

Life is tough.

Many days, I wish that someone would come and take away some of my challenges, but it never seems to happen.

So why then, do we so often remove challenges from children’s lives?

As a teacher, I was often in team situations where other teachers would remove challenges from their classroom, In fact, it was sometimes the theme of a professional development workshop.   

They would say things like:

“In order to have less conflict in your classroom, be sure to have multiple copies of one toy.”  

Now I’m not saying that we should limit the number of toys in classroom (because I think that there should be enough toys so that every child has one) but I don’t think that there should be more than one of a certain toy just because it might cause conflict.   

In fact, I think that teachers should deliberately have just one special toy in their classroom in order to create a challenge and teach children how to manage it!

I remember sharing a gym time with one teacher who would always remove all the obstacles from the bike track and it drove me crazy every day.  I wanted signs and obstacles in the way so that they had to learn how to get around them. When I asked her why she always wanted the track free of debris, she said that she didn’t want the kids to get into a traffic jam.  When I asked her ‘why not?’, she didn’t have an answer.  

One day I asked her to watch the kids if we didn’t move things out of the way for them and see what would happen. These children, (3-5 years old) with many different abilities and languages, communicated more, interacted more, worked together and problem solved when before they would just go around in circles for 45 minutes. 

Here’s the thing-

They will struggle.

They will get frustrated 

And that will be hard for you.

But it is ok for them and they don’t need you to take the challenge away.

This will seem counter-intuitive, because you will want to help them and relieve their frustration.  But as I have said before, parenting is no longer intuitive.  Only in the last fifty or so years has parenting become so interactive with children.  Children used to watch each other or help out with chores all day and there wasn’t time for a parent to just “be” with their child.  Now a parent’s job is to hang out with their children and that puts us into many situations where we can “help” our children but we end up helping too much.

But you aren’t going to let your child run around the neighborhood completely independent so since you will be around your child, you can coach your child when a challenge arises.  Instead of doing it for them, helping them out of a fix, you can talk to them and:

1) Tell them that they can do it!

2) Offer up some solutions of ways that they can solve their problem.

3)  Acknowledge how hard it is and that it might take a lot of work.

4) Sometimes you can empathize and talk about hard things that you do and how sometimes it is really frustrating.

This way of parenting is hard, and will cause more tantrums, but in the end will be worth it and you can do it!

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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5Jan

“Taking turns” is the new “sharing”

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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taking-turns

It’s not really.  Taking turns and sharing are two different things but in the world of toddlers and parenthood, we need to put the focus on taking turns and take the pressure off of sharing.

Let’s look at this from an adult point of view:

Taking turns is: I’m using the computer right now and when I’m done writing emails, you can use it to watch youtube videos.

Sharing is: Let’s split this chocolate brownie in half so we can each have some.

In both of these cases, both adults are satisfied with the results and everyone is happy!

Now let’s look at this from a toddler point of view:


Taking turns is:  There is one toy that both children want.  One child gets a turn and when that child is finished, the other child gets a turn.

Sharing is: play-dough that both children can use at the same time so one child gives a piece to the other child so that they can each have some.

In both of these cases, both children are satisfied and their needs are being met and everyone is happy!

Now let’s take a look at what sharing isn’t: Telling a child that they must give something up in the name of “sharing”.  This only creates frustration.  If your husband or wife came up to you while you were writing emails and said, “You need to share the computer” and then took if from you, you would be frustrated.  Children feel the same way.  

Don’t make them give up their toy in the name of sharing!

Children have difficulty waiting their turn for the toy but they can do it!  This is a great time to introduce the sign for waiting which is wiggling your fingers.  

So the interaction might look like this:

Two young children:  (screaming and grabbing toys!)

Adult: It looks like it is Maria’s turn.  Max, would you like a turn after Maria?

Max: No! It’s my turn!

Adult: So you don’t want a turn after Maria?

Max: Wait, yes!  I do want a turn.

Adult: Maria, can you give Max a turn when you are finished?

Maria: No, It’s my turn!

Adult: Yes, you are using it now; can Max use it when you are done?

Maria: Um, ok.

Adult: Max what would you like to do while you are waiting? Do you want to read a book with me?

This is written for two toddlers who have vocabulary, but works just as well for children who are non-verbal as children can understand this at much younger ages.  

The idea is to teach them the language so that eventually they can manage themselves.  This is particularly important for siblings.   This takes a lot of work in the beginning but eventually your children will be able to play together because they will be respectful to each other and not take each others toys in the name of “sharing.”

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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3Nov

The best toddler tantrum book out there

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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knuffle

There are a lot of great books out there but if you don’t have this one as part of your library, then you should look into adding it.

Knuffle Bunny by Mo Willems

There are so many reasons why I love this book:

The dad is the one taking the kid and doing the laundry.  Dad’s don’t often get major parts in children’s books unless the word “dad” is in the title.  

The dad allows the child to “help” with the laundry which is something that a lot of parents don’t always allow simply because “helping” usually means making a bigger mess.

There are great prepositions in this book, “in front of, through, into.”

It is a great start-off point for talking to kids about tantrums.  Once a child is calm, you can talk about how Trixie bawled, and how she threw herself on the floor.  You can talk about how your child did the same thing.  And in both cases, nothing was solved by the tantrum.  You move the discussion towards using words and how communication can solve problems much better than tantrums.   

I love the pictures and how they depict city life.

I like how it allows parents to bond together, knowing that other kids are throwing themselves on the floor in public as well. 

And the number one reason why I love this book: tantrums aren’t part of our life to make adults miserable, they have a purpose.  In this case, the tantrum was the child trying to communicate with her dad.  We often respond to tantrums with more anger rather than with compassion.  And this book is a great reminder to look what’s going on behind the tantrum and listening to the child. 

 

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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5Oct

Disappointment and the Power of a Toddler…

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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disappointment

From Wikipedia:

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest.

This definition describes every couple of minutes in a toddler’s life.  They don’t get what they want and they don’t like that.

But it is also a great teaching tool because as adults, we are well aware of disappointment too.   Unfortunately, it is a difficult concept to teach because toddlers are so young and they don’t quite get the concept.

So they cry.

And often we give in because we want to spare them the disappointment.  It can be as simple as they want their grilled cheese cut up.  You cut it up and “NOO!  I wanted it cut up this WAY!”  or “NOO! I wanted to cut it myself!!”  and honestly, you don’t care how it’s cut up so you take their grilled cheese and give them yours to try again.   They are happy and no more fussing.

But they didn’t get the opportunity to learn about disappointment in a very non-threatening way.  Instead of giving in, you can offer empathy.  You can say, “I’m sorry that it didn’t get cut how you wanted it.”  And then you can offer choices, “You don’t have to eat it that way if you don’t want to.”   They may even negotiate and try and take your sandwich but unfortunately, that’s not one of the options.  

It is healthy for a child to experience and learn about disappointment.   It is key part of development.

It is part of the balance of control between the parent and the child.  When the child has all of the control, they may not get disappointed, but they won’t benefit from having all the power. 

When a parent sets a limit, the child will undoubtedly be disappointed, but that is OK.  You can empathize and help the child learn about emotions as part of the process.  

Allow your child the opportunity to be disappointed today!

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5Oct

Fighting and siblings

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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fighting

At some point, every parent is going to come across this problem.  Even if you only have one child, they are going to have a conflict with another child.  And if you have two or more children, it may be a daily issue.

Some parents have asked me, “What do I do about fighting?”  Every situation is unique but conflict is inevitable and once we realize that and teach children how to resolve problems rather than try to eliminate all conflicts, we will all be better off.

At a very young age (starting at 12-18 months), children can start to do simple problem solving.  The most common reason for fighting is that both children want the same item.  Many parents will approach the situation by saying, “Stop fighting and share!”  This approach, however, does nothing to solve the problem or to teach children how to manage the conflict.

So the ideal response is to teach the children how to resolve it on their own.

First, mention the problem:  “What is the problem? You both want the blue truck.”

Second, give the children the language to advocate for themselves:  “Tell your sibling that you are using it right now.” (This can be done with sign language for really little ones which is a hand patting the heart which means “Mine” or “My turn”).

Third, give them the language to problem-solve: “What are some solutions? You can ask for a turn when they are done” (again the child can pat their heart or say “My turn” depending on the developmental level).

Once the parameters are set on whose turn it is now and who will get a turn soon, then you can guide the conversation in whatever direction works for that situation.  It may be, “What do you want to do while you wait for your turn?”  Or it may be finding a timer so that the turn taking is more concrete.

If the children are older and can help create solutions for the problem, then you can enlist them in finding one or two solutions each.  At the beginning, they will need coaching such as “One solution might be to have one sibling have a turn and then the other sibling have a turn.  Another solution might be to have Mom remove the toy from play.”

So your job at the beginning is to mediate the conflict resolution so that in a couple months (years) or so, they can do it on their own.

 

The second most common type of fighting is physical wrestling, pushing, hitting, etc.  Again, the most common response is for the parent to step in and end the altercation but if there isn’t an immediate danger, then it is more important to teach the children how to manage the conflict.  

Oftentimes, children like to play rough and you don’t want to step in.  You can monitor from the side to make sure no one gets hurt and then remind them that if one child says “stop!” or “no!” then that is the time to stop.  Remind the child who is probably whining or fussing that it is up to them to say “stop” or “no” and as soon as that word is said, it needs to be honored.  

So if the other child doesn’t stop, then they are not being safe and they are not listening which means that they need to be immediately removed from play whether in the shape of a time-out, or whatever works for your family.

Again, both of these scenarios take much longer than a quick, “No more fighting” but they give children more tools for dealing with conflict once an adult isn’t around.

 

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20Aug

Have you ever tricked your child?

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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A common trap that parents fall into is “tricking” the child to get through a difficult situation. 

It is so easy to say, “we can do that when we get home” just to get a child to make a transition, knowing full well that the child will forget on the way home and you won’t have to follow through.

But this is the first step in building a child’s trust, teaching them about being trustworthy and helping their behavior.

All you have to do when you get home is what you told them you were going to do, even if (and especially if) they forgot.

Almost immediately, you will see a behavior change in your child when you say, “remember how I told you I would read that book after nap?  Well, now your nap is over, so let’s read the book!”  If your child no longer wants to read the book, then that’s perfectly ok.  But you remembered which will help your child build memory skills and will show him or her that your word is worth something.

Once you do this a couple of times, all you have to say in the future is, “we can’t go to the park now because we have errands to run, but we can go this weekend.”  Your child will know that you mean it, they will trust you, and they won’t throw a fit.

When I was five or six years old, I incessantly asked my mother for a kitten.  In order to get me to stop, she said, “when you are eight, you can get a kitten.”  She had no idea how important that kitten was to me (or park, or story, or treat to your child).  I never brought up a kitten again until the day of my eighth birthday.   I did get a kitten a couple of months later but I never forgot what my mother said.

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26Jun

Simplify your life: teach problem solving skills!

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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Problem solving

Bed time not working? Problem solve!  Leaving the house takes forever?  Problem solve!  Kids want the same toy? Problem solve!  You don’t have enough snack? Problem solve!

Problem solving is an essential skill for life so how young can a child learn this skill and how in the world do we teach it?  

Amazingly enough, researchers say that children as young as 18 months can learn how to solve problems.  Imagine what this would do for you; fewer fights with siblings and parents, more independence, higher self-esteem, more self-reliance, and the list goes on and on not to mention higher thinking skills for school.

So we know all the benefits of having problem solving skills, but how do we teach it? 

First and foremost, it takes patience.  If you solve the problem then it is much much quicker, but if you step back and just ask questions, it may take a lot longer, but the child builds the skills for solving their own problems.

For children who are very young (under two) you can start teaching it by looking for something that is lost.  “Where is it?” can be heard over and over again in houses with very young children. It would take just seconds for you to find their missing shoe, favorite toy or family pet, but it wouldn’t teach any skills.  If you have the patience to take ten minutes to find that shoe (I promise you, the people who are waiting for you won’t care, and if they do, tell them you were teaching your child problem solving skills).  

As the child gets older, bigger problems will arise such as taking turns with toys, not getting their way, boredom, disagreements with friends and the list goes on…

Problem solving skills are also essential for dealing with problems that are affecting the whole family such as bedtime or getting out of the house in the morning.

The steps for solving problems are as follows:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. What are some solutions?
  3. What solution did we choose?
  4. Did that solution work?

Let’s start with what is the problem?

The first step in problem solving is always naming the problem.  Once children can name the problem, they stop worrying about blame or past grievances and can move towards solving what is wrong.

When there is a conflict, our first reaction is to jump in and start yelling.  But if we stop and either say, “uh oh” (for younger kiddos)  or “What is the problem?” (for older kiddos)  Then we are asking our children to start thinking about what is happening.

I’m gonna go out on limb here and say that with children under the age of five, 99.97% of problems are around both children wanting the same thing.  So that makes this part easy.  You say, “Uh oh, you both want the red car” or “What is the problem?” and if they aren’t sure, “Did both of you want the swing with the blue seat?” 

Once the problem is named, what are some solutions?

Chances are, the children are too young or don’t have exposure to problem solving skills so for a good while, you will have to narrate and give them the language to problem solve. 

So you can start with, “I have an idea (or I have a solution); we can put the red car away so that nobody will fuss over it” (I always give the worst solution first so that children don’t automatically jump on it and then they have to think.  It shows them that there is always more than one idea and often it is the one that we go with if we can’t find agreement.)

Then you can ask for other ideas and again if they are younger or not sure, offer ideas. “Or we can let child A have the car for a couple of minutes and then child B can have the car.”  When child B fusses, switch the order.  Now we have gone through three possible solutions and still no one is happy.  This is where it gets fun.  This is where you can get really creative and eventually teach your children to do the same.  Say, “OK, here’s another idea, we could paint another car red and then you both have red cars.  Or we could make another red car out of paper and then we would have two. OR (and it’s fun to see how crazy you can get) we could saw the red car in half and you can each have half!” (make sure it is something you can really do (or at least try) in case they choose that option.)

Then you have to pick one solution.  If there is no agreement, then the parent can choose one, and the parent usually chooses the least desirable option.

Then implement and later you can ask the children, did that solution work?

Since each problem is different, each solution will be different as well and this is where you and your child can get very creative.  Again, it takes so much longer to have a child solve a problem and usually the solution is not one that you would choose, but it is one of the most important skills they can learn.

You can then use these steps to solve any problem that comes up in your family. 

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