A big part of parenting is the question of control and who has it.  The two extremes of parenting are authoritarian parenting where the parent has complete control and permissive parenting where the child has complete control.

Most parents have a goal to fall somewhere in the middle; sharing control.

If I had to guess, I’d say that about 80% of parenting dilemmas and headaches revolve around the issue of control and who has it.   If you have a child, you probably deal daily with something along these lines.

Do you say, “I have asked you now 10 times to put your shoes on!”?  (child has control)

Does your child say, “You are so mean!  I hate eating broccoli!” (You have control)

Do you hear, “No no no no no!” in your household? (Someone is trying to gain control)

So let’s look at the two types of parenting that I see so prevalent today:

Authoritarian parenting: a quick google search says that authoritarian is “favoring or enforcing strict obedience to authority”.  I see this manifest with parents as you will eat what I put on your plate because that what my parents did when I was a kid.   Or even just the simple, “Stop it!” or “No!”

Permissive parenting: This type of parenting pops up a lot in Boulder and sometimes is seen as relaxed and laid back, but in reality, lacks in structure and harmony.  Sometimes it is a chosen style of parenting and sometimes it is by necessity if the parent is overwhelmed or just under-equipped with parenting tools.  I even have found parenting websites from Boulder that extol permissive parenting as long as you have enough love.

The reality is that we need to fall somewhere in the middle.  We need balance.

If the parent has too much control (authoritarian) then there will be many tantrums which are a way for the child to steal some control back from the parent.

If the child has too much control (permissive) then there will be a lot of pushing boundaries to see where the line is finally drawn.  I often hear, “but I wanted the blue cup instead of the red cup” in permissive families and the parent acquiesces and gives the child the blue cup.  That child has too much control.

So what does this all-magical balance look like and is it attainable?

You need to set limits for most things.  One family philosophy that you could adopt is “We take care of ourselves, our things and each other”.  For each transgression of not taking care of something, you can give three reminders.  The first time, connect and set the limit (Are you ok? We don’t hit).  The second time, you set the limit and inform the consequences. (We don’t hit, if you are using your hands then we need to go home) and the third time, you set the limits and enact the consequence (We don’t hit, we need to be safe so it is time for us to go home.)

By setting limits, you are taking some of the control but you are also checking in with your child.

But now you need to let them have some control so that they don’t have a temper tantrum every time that you set a limit.

How do you give them control and still set limits?

You offer choices within the limit.  If your limit is that your child must eat dinner at the table (a fine limit I must tell you, adopt it if you haven’t already) then they get to choose when they are done eating.  Getting up from the table is their choice that they are done.

If your limit is that you must wear clothes to school, then they get to choose which clothes.

Each situation will be unique and you will have to get creative at times.  Parenting is one of those things that keeps you on your toes!