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16Oct

Natural Consequences- what are they and how do you use them?

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Maybe you have heard of natural consequences or maybe this is the first time that you have heard that term. Either way, natural consequences are a very effective way to teach our children.

Children act up, that is their job. They need to know what is expected of them and the only way to find out is to push a boundary. If we hold that boundary firmly then not only are we helping with their behavior but we also make them feel more secure.

How do we hold that boundary? How do we not give into to what they are whining and tantruming about? Here’s where we use natural consequences.

Here are some examples:

  • Going outside- When your child refuses to put on a jacket, you can say, “Brr, it’s cold outside. I’m going to be warm with my jacket on.” When they go out and they are cold- that is a natural consequence. “Oh man, you seem chilly without your jacket. I’m so sorry.”
  • Not listening- When your child is not listening to a thing you say and you are on your way to meet some friends for dinner or you are already out to dinner, “We have to use manners and be able to listen when we are dining with other people and so we cannot go out to dinner with our friends tonight. That is such a bummer.” It is a bummer for you too, but you usually only need to do this once before kids realize that they do need to need to use manners and listen. Not being able to go out to dinner or hang out with friends is a natural consequence of not listening or having manners.
  • Bed time- When your child is doing anything but getting ready for bed, “I see that the clock is running out of time for story time.” “Oh no, we ran out of time for stories- that’s a bummer- hopefully we can do story time tomorrow night.” Not having time for stories or a snuggle is a natural consequence of taking too much time to get ready.
  • Meal times- When your child refuses to eat any food (make sure there is one thing on their plate that they have eaten in the past) “oh man, you might be hungry tonight but we’ll have more food tomorrow morning.”
  • Cleaning up toys- When your child refuses to clean up their toys, you can say that your job of vacuuming is going to happen in about ten minutes (or whatever time frame you would like to use) and that whatever is still on the carpet will get vacuumed up. Then if they don’t clean up their toys, you can gather them up and donate whatever isn’t cleaned up.

All of these consequences will have tears with them. Your child will be upset but you can comfort them as they are learning.

These types of consequences are tough to impose because it can feel terrible to have your child feel cold/ not eat/ take away toys. These are all hard things but we know that we can do hard things.

Back Pocket Consequences

I have what I like to call “back-pocket consequences” which are consequences that I can use anytime because they are always in my back pocket.

Cold, hungry and tired children are not fun to be around but the lesson only needs to be taught once or twice and can be way more effective than losing a video.  However, I still use losing screen time or earlier bed time as a consequence because it can still be effective.  I try to tie that consequence to the behavior to make it more effective.  In other words, “you are acting like you are tired, we’ll try an earlier bedtime tonight to see if that helps with behavior tomorrow” or “I’m wondering if watching those videos is making you act this way, We’ll take one away tonight and see if that helps”

Empathy

Being empathetic when your child has a natural consequence is super important for two reasons. One, it puts you and your child on the same side and strengthens your connection and builds resilience in the child. You aren’t fighting against your child, you are supporting your child when they made a poor choice. Two, it reinforces the lesson as it is not the parent enforcing the consequence but it is the consequence itself that is doing the teaching.

Empathy is saying things like:

  • I know that you are cold, I’m so sorry. We can get warm once we are back inside. Let me give you a hug and see if that helps.
  • I can’t get your toys back, but I can give you a hug and we can snuggle and read a story together. Would that help you feel better?
  • I’m so sorry that you are hungry. We’ll have a big breakfast in the morning. I would feel hungry too if I didn’t eat.
  • I know, it’s such a bummer that we can’t hang out with our friends. Maybe next time.

Will there be a lot of tears. Yes. There will be tears and screaming and crying. You can comfort them or try to comfort them but being unhappy and angry is part of life and it’s ok.

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26Mar

Does your child have all of the control? How to find a balance

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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A big part of parenting is the question of control and who has it.  The two extremes of parenting are authoritarian parenting where the parent has complete control and permissive parenting where the child has complete control.

Most parents have a goal to fall somewhere in the middle; sharing control.

If I had to guess, I’d say that about 80% of parenting dilemmas and headaches revolve around the issue of control and who has it.   If you have a child, you probably deal daily with something along these lines.

Do you say, “I have asked you now 10 times to put your shoes on!”?  (child has control)

Does your child say, “You are so mean!  I hate eating broccoli!” (You have control)

Do you hear, “No no no no no!” in your household? (Someone is trying to gain control)

So let’s look at the two types of parenting that I see so prevalent today:

Authoritarian parenting: a quick google search says that authoritarian is “favoring or enforcing strict obedience to authority”.  I see this manifest with parents as you will eat what I put on your plate because that what my parents did when I was a kid.   Or even just the simple, “Stop it!” or “No!”

Permissive parenting: This type of parenting pops up a lot in Boulder and sometimes is seen as relaxed and laid back, but in reality, lacks in structure and harmony.  Sometimes it is a chosen style of parenting and sometimes it is by necessity if the parent is overwhelmed or just under-equipped with parenting tools.  I even have found parenting websites from Boulder that extol permissive parenting as long as you have enough love.

The reality is that we need to fall somewhere in the middle.  We need balance.

If the parent has too much control (authoritarian) then there will be many tantrums which are a way for the child to steal some control back from the parent.

If the child has too much control (permissive) then there will be a lot of pushing boundaries to see where the line is finally drawn.  I often hear, “but I wanted the blue cup instead of the red cup” in permissive families and the parent acquiesces and gives the child the blue cup.  That child has too much control.

So what does this all-magical balance look like and is it attainable?

You need to set limits for most things.  One family philosophy that you could adopt is “We take care of ourselves, our things and each other”.  For each transgression of not taking care of something, you can give three reminders.  The first time, connect and set the limit (Are you ok? We don’t hit).  The second time, you set the limit and inform the consequences. (We don’t hit, if you are using your hands then we need to go home) and the third time, you set the limits and enact the consequence (We don’t hit, we need to be safe so it is time for us to go home.)

By setting limits, you are taking some of the control but you are also checking in with your child.

But now you need to let them have some control so that they don’t have a temper tantrum every time that you set a limit.

How do you give them control and still set limits?

You offer choices within the limit.  If your limit is that your child must eat dinner at the table (a fine limit I must tell you, adopt it if you haven’t already) then they get to choose when they are done eating.  Getting up from the table is their choice that they are done.

If your limit is that you must wear clothes to school, then they get to choose which clothes.

Each situation will be unique and you will have to get creative at times.  Parenting is one of those things that keeps you on your toes!

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10Nov

How to deal with anger

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Your kid is yelling at you and every thing you try to say just makes things worse.  Before you know it, you are yelling back just as much and the whole situation has dissolved into a horrible horrible day.

 

This situation is quite common although you won’t think it is common because this type of behavior is usually reserved for parents and usually happens in the house. So you might feel like you are in a boat all by yourself, but let me tell you, anger is normal, anger is part of life and you are not alone.  There are several things we can do to help deal with anger: 

 

Food and Sleep

This is true for everyone including adults: when we are hungry or tired, we are more prone to anger.  If you are dealing with more emotions than normal, start working on a better sleep plan and a better eating plan.  These are both big tasks so don’t expect changes overnight but good sleep and full bellies will help a lot with big emotions. 

Make a Plan

When everyone is sitting at the dinner table, talk about a plan for the anger.  What are some strategies? Have everyone go around the table and talk about what helps them feel better when they are angry.  It won’t be the same for everyone so any idea is welcome as long as everyone is safe.  So taking space is a great idea but running away doesn’t feel safe and shouldn’t be considered an option.  

The Brain Can’t Function During the Anger

There is a great podcast called brains on that has an episode about anger and they talk a little bit about the science behind anger and that it is part of our evolutionary survival.  They talk about how your brain goes into fight, flight or hide when you are angry.  This means that the brain isn’t in the problem solving part of the brain and can’t listen to mom or dad trying to fix the problem.

So when your brain is in the fight, flight or hide part, don’t try to talk or solve the problem.  Let the feeling run its course and be there to keep everyone safe.

Circle Back

So we all lose it at some point.  Maybe we decided that we were going to take a deep breath when we got angry and that didn’t actually happen.  Maybe your kiddo said that they wanted to take space when they got angry and instead they went and hit something.  It happens.  But circle back after everyone is calm again and talk about it.  Why was it so hard to take a deep breath?  If we feel better when we hit something rather than taking space, maybe we should set up a soft place where we can hit pillows?  Keep the dialogue going and don’t worry that there was a setback.  There will be millions of setbacks.  Debriefing about them afterwards is where the learning happens. 

Anger is a Normal Part of Life

Although it is important to find ways to calm ourselves, we don’t need to punish ourselves or our children for getting angry.  I see this as a common reaction to anger- getting even more upset and then yelling at children for getting angry.  But that doesn’t make any sense.  We all get angry.  Anger is a normal part of life.  

 

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15Jan

What’s the plan?

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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These three words are a great tool to use if you have a four year old or older.

What’s the plan?

When you use these three words, you are opening up a dialogue with your child and moving towards better understanding of their behavior.   This also helps with teaching empathy as well as problem solving skills.  So think of this tip as a winner!!

Often we are thinking or expecting the worst with our children.  We see them pick up a rock and our first thought is that they are going to throw it at a person or an animal or they will break something with it.

We might not be wrong.  They might have that idea in their head. BUT they might be thinking that they are going to build a rock tower with it.  Or they might be bringing it to a bug to build them a home.  We don’t know.

So when they pick up a rock, instead of saying, “PUT that rock DOWN!” we say, “What’s your plan?”

If it were indeed nefarious, they might smile at your and then slowly put the rock down on the ground without needing any more discussion, but if they had another plan in mind, then they might say, “gonna build house” and you can marvel at your young architect.

This works for anything. 

If you child starts to grab something that maybe they shouldn’t be grabbing, “What’s your plan?”  If your child picks up a gigantic stick, “What’s your plan?”

This teaches empathy, because you are putting yourself in your kids shoes which is a great model for them to then be able to be empathetic.  You are wondering what they are wondering.  Can this branch touch the sky?  Will it be long enough to go across the river?  

This also teaches problem solving because nine times out of ten, their plan was to try to fix things (usually in the worst way possible, but they don’t know that yet) and you can be there to facilitate the problem solving.

You can see into their creativity and gain insight into their thoughts.  What we assumed was bad behavior is actually brilliant thinking!  We become closer to our children and they don’t get into trouble and everyone is much happier. 

Now, this doesn’t mean that our children always have a plan in mind that is helpful, problem solving or creative, it honestly could be that their plan was to harm something or to make things worse but we don’t know until we ask.  And once we find out their intent, we can move forward with so much more knowledge than we had before. 

So the next time your child goes into the kitchen and grabs a dangerous tool, or picks up something they shouldn’t have, or starts doing something suspicious looking, ask

“What’s your plan?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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30Jan

How to Raise an Adult: Disappointment and Failure

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior info-graphic Positive Parenting
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Disappointment and failure are two things that you want your child to avoid at all costs as they are growing up.

Just kidding!

We all know that having a perfect rosy life isn’t possible and probably isn’t the ideal either and yet we try to provide that for our children; to their detriment.

Let’s start with disappointment.

As soon as your children turn two years old (or often just a couple of months before they turn that amazing age) they start to experience disappointment.  They are disappointed that they didn’t get to turn on the light.  They are disappointed that they didn’t get the red cup.  They are disappointed that they can’t eat the chocolate muffin for dinner.   As soon as they fuss and cry to show their disappointment, we want to relieve that discomfort of being disappointed and we give them the chance to turn on the light, we get them the red cup, we get them a muffin and then we become the saviors of the day!  Hooray! Disappointment averted!

However, disappointment is the best and healthiest experience for a young child.

Disappointment teaches resiliency, it teaches them about life, it helps them become an adult.

My husband works with young adults and he often talks to me about how parents can shape children to become functional adults.  He is currently reading Ownership Thinking: How to End Entitlement and Create a Culture of Accountability, Purpose and Profit by Brad Hams.  Apparently this is a hot topic in all business as one google search of “Creating Ownership” will give you pages and pages of how to reduce entitlement.  The book talks about how employers should not “rescue” their employees just as a parent shouldn’t “rescue” their children.  

We have the option of creating the next generation of adults who aren’t entitled and who feel empowered.

How do we do that?  Allow our children to experience disappointment and failure.

Failures

Failures are different from disappointment as disappointment is the external world not going your way and failure is when your own actions/ choices/ attempts don’t work as you would have hoped.  As your children grow, they will start to have little failures and then bigger failures.

It might start with a lego set that breaks. Or maybe it is a lunch that was forgotten.  It might then be a bad grade or forgetting to do homework until the night before.  These are all little failures that are important for your child to experience.  These are tears that need to fall.

You can be there for your child to give them a hug and, but you can’t fix the failure.  Failures are how children learn and grow.  Failures are how children become adults.

So don’t avoid these two parts of your children’s lives.  Raise your children to become adults!

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