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2Dec

I missed the pumpkin pie! (but I kept my word..)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Positive Parenting Sleep
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pumpkin

Thanksgiving came and went and of course was delicious and relaxing.

We were still at my mother’s house a couple of days later when my boys were still having difficulty going to bed.  There was so much going on during bedtime, that every night it took an hour or more of them wanting mom or dad before finally falling asleep.  After three nights of this, we had a little talk.

“I know that it is harder to go to bed with so much going on, but Mama needs to help clean up so I can’t spend too much time in here with you guys.  So tonight I can lay down with you for ten minutes, and then I need to go and there won’t be any fussing. Ok?”

“Ok.”

So I laid down with them for about ten minutes and then I got up to go.

“Mama no go! Mama lay down!”

“I’d love to lay down with you longer, but I need to finish cleaning up the kitchen.”

“Ok.  Mama clean up kitchen and then mama come back and lay down.”

So I said “Ok, I’ll clean up and then I’ll come back to check on you but I won’t be able to stay”.

I left and they didn’t fuss at all.  I went back to the kitchen and of course, everything was cleaned up already so I just put a couple of toys away and sat down and relaxed for a minute.

My mother was getting the leftover pie ready for our last go at it and I could have left the boys because they were quiet, they were happy and they probably would have fallen asleep on their own at this point.  But I told them that I would come back.   I sat there for a moment, seriously pondering my choices: hang out with the adults and eat the leftover pie or go back in and probably create more of a problem when everything was going just fine.

So I kept my word.  I went back into the boys’ room.  Both of them were almost asleep and I pretty much woke them back up.  But I built trust that evening.  It took another 15 minutes to get out of there again and it took them even longer to fall asleep.  But for that one evening where I missed eating the pie (and my ice cream was mostly melted) I gained many more years of trust.

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21Nov

The two hour (three hour, four hour..) bedtime routine

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Sleep
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We all know it, we have either been there, heard others talk of it, or are dreading the future inevitability of the two plus hour bedtime routine.

It starts out with the parent in charge: 

Put your pajamas on.  Brush your teeth.

And then about 45 minutes in, the children take over:

“One more story.”  “Mom?  Mo-oooom!”  “I need another drink.”  “I’m not TIRED!”  

You end up giving in to each demand because at the back of your mind, you are thinking, “If I don’t give them what they want, it will be two hours of screaming and and I just do this last thing, they will go to bed.”

But we also know in the back of our mind, that they won’t go to bed, they will just ask for something else.

Then we lay down with the children knowing that at least they will eventually fall asleep this way and at 10:30 pm we will finally have some time to ourselves.

But this is no way to live, for us or for the kids.

So what to do?

First, tell the kids that things are going to change.  Talk about the bedtime routine and even make a schedule with pictures and words.  Tell them that this is the only routine that you will have and there won’t be any additions or subtractions.  Then post the schedule somewhere where everyone can see it and everyone is on the same page.

Second, (and this is the HARD part), follow the routine.  Don’t stray like you previously have done.  Whenever your child starts to ask for something more, remind them, “Sorry, it’s not part of our routine.”  Kiss them goodnight, and then close the door and leave.

Will your child be happy about this?  Possibly, but probably not.  They may yell and scream.  They may try to leave the room.  You have some options here depending on your parenting styles.  But you don’t have the option to give in to their demands.  You can rub their back for a minute and leave them be for ten minutes and continue the one minute rub/ten minute break until they fall asleep.  You can close the door and stand guard.  You can lay down on their floor for two minutes.  But whatever you do, know that it will take a couple of days to two weeks for you to see any changes in behavior   They are used to getting what they want and you need to remind them that the routine has changed.

Stick to it!  Consistency is key.

Talk about their good behavior.  If they did really well on one thing (like brushing their teeth, or only asking for one story) then talk about how awesome that was even if they cried for 45 minutes after that.  

Talk about the new schedule with them (again!!) and tell that that they are going to do really well with it tonight.  

Stick to it!  The change won’t happen overnight.  It will take a while for them to get used to it, but they will get used to.  Children can adapt to anything. 


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1Nov

Parenting should be renamed to “consistency-ing”

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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consistency

The one place where pretty much every parent has difficulty is in being consistent.   Children know this, and that is why they behave how they do.  They are looking for the cracks.  They want to know when and how you will cave.  But all you need to do is be consistent.

The best way we could all remember to be consistent is to change parenting to “consistency-ing”.  Then we’ll never forget.

So when your infant is waking and sleeping at all odd hours and you can’t get a schedule, remind yourself that you aren’t parenting, you are consistency-ing and after a week of doing about the same thing everyday and every night, your child will have a better schedule. 

So when you tell your children that this is the last story before bedtime, and then the children proceed to beg for “Just one more.  Pleeease. But mom….!  It’s not fair!!”  You can answer calmly “Sorry, this is part of consistency-ing”.  And after about five nights, they will know that they get two books before bed and that’s it.

And when your toddler is being a little pill and you say, “if you do that one more time then you are going to be removed from this situation,” and five minutes later, they do it one more time.  Then instead of ignoring it (which is “parenting”) scoop him up and remove him from the situation (which is “consistency-ing”). 

The amazing thing about “consistency-ing” is that it makes life so much easier.  All you have to do is be consistent 3-10 times and they get it.   Once they know that you are “consistency-ing” instead of parenting, they won’t need to ask as much because they already know the answer.   

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27Oct

Be the mom on the wagon (Anyone can adapt, any child can adapt)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Healthy Eating Sleep Unplugging
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Wagon

A difficult part of parenting is knowing that everything will change.  At times, it can bring comfort hence the ever popular “this too shall pass”.  But it can also bring anxiety when in not knowing how to handle situations.

For instance, many parents don’t want to introduce pacifiers or thumbs because sometime down the road, things will change and they will then have to take them away.   Or your dentist says that you can no longer give your child a bottle right before they go to bed, but then your children will scream and will never go to bed.  Or you gave your child an iPhone when they were tiny and now it’s all they want all the time and you want to restrict the use.

Here’s the good news; anyone can adapt, any child can adapt.

What ever change you want to introduce, you can do it! Your child can adapt to anything.  

I like to picture families traveling across the states during the gold rush in a covered wagon pulled by horses.  Then I like to put a modern family inside that wagon and I here, “Honey, the kids will never be able to take a nap if the wagon is bumpy or cold”.  “We can try to serve them beans for dinner, but I don’t think they’ll eat it.”  “If we don’t warm their milk enough, they’ll never drink it!”  

No, these families and these children had to adapt.  They had to sleep wherever and however they could.  They ate whatever was offered to them.  

Even though our situations today are much more comfortable, we have to remind ourselves that we don’t have to make our situations perfect.  

Over the last month, our house was under construction and it was loud.  So loud that the walls sometimes shook.  The first 3 days were very difficult.  Both of the boys cried and wanted to be held all the time.  We left the house as much as we could but we had to be home for nap time.  So let me tell you, I didn’t think that the boys would be able to nap, but they did, they adapted.

We are in a generation where we have options.  I could have said, “let’s not do the construction”.  I could have said, “You have to stop construction for two hours every day”.  But I know that mothers haven’t always had options.  I know that children can adapt.



Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child can no longer have a bottle before bed, pretend that you are on the trail, and you left your only bottle at the last camp.  You are not going to head back 20 miles and 2 days out of the way to collect one bottle.  Your child on the wagon has to adapt to not having a bottle.  There’s no other option. 

Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child is used to getting to eat whatever they want at dinner time and you can only cook one meal, pretend you are on the trail and that’s all the food you have.  Whatever is on their plate, they can eat and if they don’t want to eat that, then that’s fine, there will be food tomorrow.

Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child is screen addicted and wants the phone, ipad, tv or computer all the time, pretend you are on the trail and the only entertainment for them is the great outdoors or a book or playing with you or by themselves.  You can just say, “not now.”  “I don’t know where it is (hidden high in a closet)” or “oops!  it’s not working right now..”  

With all of these changes, your children will fuss, they will tantrum and they will scream.  Because it is an effective way for them to get what they want.  But be the mom on the wagon; even if they are screaming, you physically can’t get the bottle, more food or a new electronic toy.  Be consistent, stick with it and your children will adapt.  They will be fine with it once they realize that it is their reality.  
 

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3Sep

How to Tell Your Child “No” and be a Positive Parent

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Brother Twins

Saying “no” to our children is a hard thing to do, because the child doesn’t want to hear it and a tantrum will result later.  

Tantrums have built themselves a bad reputation, and I have spoken earlier about avoiding tantrums; but they can be a learning opportunity.  A child who never tantrums, never learns.

A child needs to learn what is ok and what is not ok.  So they are constantly seeking that threshold.  Is it ok to throw a ball?  Is it ok to throw my clothes?  Is it ok to throw the cat?  Unfortunately, they don’t know until they try and see our reaction.

At some point, they are going to reach the limit of what is ok, and at that point we have to say “no” and then stick with it.  

Imagine this situation; a young child gets a hold of something they shouldn’t have (bag of candy, scissors, a fragile vase) and the parent tells them that they can’t have that.  The child screams, and the parent relents and says, “ok, but only if you….”.  What should have happened is the parent should have said, “Sorry, but the answer is “no”.  You can’t have that.”  The child will scream for a moment, but the parent can also help the child with breathing, calming down, distraction, etc.

Consistency is key in raising children.  Children want to find the limit and the only way to find that line is to test it.  They want their parents to be consistent in saying “no”.  They actually thrive for that.  You have seen it before.  Your child throws a toy (fork, rock, etc.) and you remind them that “it is not safe and not to do it again.”  They do it one more time to test that limit.  You remind them that if they do it again, then the toy will be removed or the child will be removed from the situation.  Inevitably, the child does it again.  Why?  Because they need to know that you are serious about that limit.  They need to hear you say “no”. 

Now saying “no” has also gotten a bad reputation because a lot of parents don’t want a ton of negativity in their young child’s life.  I completely agree with that.  It is wonderful to teach limits to your child without saying “no”.   But here’s the key- you have to be consistent.  So if your words are “Remember, you need to be gentle with your bother”. Then when your child isn’t gentle, you need to say, “I’m sorry that you weren’t able to be gentle, let’s try again another time.”  For some parents, it will be easier to be consistent by saying “no”.   

As long as the child is able to learn limits, both styles are great.

What happens when a parent doesn’t do this and often gives in to their young child’s desires?  The child becomes a teenager and later an adult who has to have anything they want.  They won’t hear someone say “no” in very delicate situations (alcohol, drugs, sex) and they will have more difficulty in making positive choices.

It seems hard to take these steps with a young child, but it is so much easier when the question is candy and fragile vases versus drugs and alcohol at a later date.

If you need help implementing these ideas, contact me today!

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20Aug

Have you ever tricked your child?

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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A common trap that parents fall into is “tricking” the child to get through a difficult situation. 

It is so easy to say, “we can do that when we get home” just to get a child to make a transition, knowing full well that the child will forget on the way home and you won’t have to follow through.

But this is the first step in building a child’s trust, teaching them about being trustworthy and helping their behavior.

All you have to do when you get home is what you told them you were going to do, even if (and especially if) they forgot.

Almost immediately, you will see a behavior change in your child when you say, “remember how I told you I would read that book after nap?  Well, now your nap is over, so let’s read the book!”  If your child no longer wants to read the book, then that’s perfectly ok.  But you remembered which will help your child build memory skills and will show him or her that your word is worth something.

Once you do this a couple of times, all you have to say in the future is, “we can’t go to the park now because we have errands to run, but we can go this weekend.”  Your child will know that you mean it, they will trust you, and they won’t throw a fit.

When I was five or six years old, I incessantly asked my mother for a kitten.  In order to get me to stop, she said, “when you are eight, you can get a kitten.”  She had no idea how important that kitten was to me (or park, or story, or treat to your child).  I never brought up a kitten again until the day of my eighth birthday.   I did get a kitten a couple of months later but I never forgot what my mother said.

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