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6Apr

Sibling rivalry and how to help your kids get along

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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sibling rivalry

If you are expecting another child or you already have multiple children, then you have two wishes for them: to be good friends and to not fight all the time.

Good luck.   However, there are several things you can do to facilitate a great relationship between them and fewer headaches for you.  The most important technique (and maybe the most overlooked) is to not pit them against each other.  You want to build them up as a team.   This can happen several ways:

Don’t ask them who did what

This is so common and it make sense, you want to know what happened when you walked out of the room for 5 minutes and now they are both upset and presumably, one of them is to blame and we need to know who.  But what this does is immediately asks one to get the other into trouble.  It immediately asks them to rat on the other and make everything worse.  You watched Breaking Bad right?  Ratting somebody out isn’t a good thing and certainly doesn’t gain points with anyone.  So when you walk in on siblings who are crying, wrestling, upset, etc., ask, “What is the problem?  How can we solve it?”  This way you are working towards a solution rather than stuck on blame.  And you know who was to blame? (probably both of them…or hunger, or tiredness)

Constantly talk about how they are so good to each other

Even if they aren’t.  This is the magic of positive thinking.  If they believe that they are great siblings, then they will be great siblings.  If you catch either one do anything for the other then talk about how they are taking such good care of their sibling.  Let them over hear you say to another adult how they are great siblings and always look out for the other one.  They will absorb that information like a sponge.

Help them problem solve

This is just an extended version of the first tip.  They are going to have opposing viewpoints, ideas and thoughts on just about everything.  One wants to go to the park and the other one wants to go to the pool.  One wants pizza for dinner and the other wants steak.  It takes a bit longer and it can be exhausting to talk them through problem solving but the benefit of having them work it out themselves before too long is SO worth it!

Let me break it down:

Child a: I want pizza!

Child b: No I want steak!!

You: OK, we have a problem, what is the problem? (Identifying the problem is the first step to them solving it on their own- if they can’t identify the problem they get stuck in you vs. me.  At first they will need lots of support in identifying the problem but will be able to do it by themselves after a while)

Child a: We want different things for dinner.

You: OK, what are some solutions?

Child b: We can have steak this time and pizza next time.

Child a: NO! That’s not a good solution!  I want pizza! We have pizza this time and steak next time!

You: Either of those solutions might work, or I have another solution: we can have neither and have grilled cheese instead.

(Other solutions depending on your parenting style can be that each makes their own dinner, go out to dinner so that they can get their own, have neither, have both, etc.   Be creative!)

Don’t force them to share when taking turns is more appropriate

Children feel resentful of siblings when they feel like the sibling is taking their stuff.  So be sure to never use the term “share” as a reason to give another child a toy.  There should be a handful of things that belong to only one child and can only be used by that one child.  Examples of these might be a lovey, a super special toy, or things that only fit a certain child like a bike.  The other child never gets to play with that one or two things.  Every thing else may “belong” to one child but can be used by all or belong to the whole family (like books, balls, dolls, trucks or blocks).  If it isn’t the special toy, then turns can be taken.  This doesn’t mean that a child has to give up a toy, just that the other child gets a turn when the first child is finished using it.

Enjoy them for their differences

Last but not least, your children will likely be complete opposites from each other.  This may mean that one of them is more like you and one of them is not like you at all.  Embrace those differences and don’t try to fight them.  I often find that spending time with the child who is less like me can be an eye-opening experience and I learn so much.   Also don’t comment on how you would like one to be more like the other.  For instance, if you are a clean freak and so is one child but the other one isn’t, refrain from saying, “Why can’t you help clean up like child A?”  Or if you love to go biking but only one child has that same drive then be sure to hold yourself back and not say, “Why don’t you like biking? Child B loves it!”  When you embrace their differences rather than point them out and get frustrated, they will embrace their differences as well!

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3Nov

Praise versus positive mind-set

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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flowers2

I just wrote a post on positive mind-sets after reading this article in the New York Times and it is so provocative that I still can’t stop thinking about it and all the implications.

But it gets tricky when you change a couple of words to be more positive because we also know that praise can ultimately make children and adults less motivated rather than more motivated.

So now we just need to tease out the differences since we know the power of just one single word.  And really, this difference is big enough that if you take notice and change what you say starting today, you will make a huge difference in your child’s life.

So let’s start at the base level and move up from there:

Praise consist of adjectives: beautiful, smart, great, wonderful, perfect, fast, pretty, etc.

Positive mind-set consists of verbs: run, sing, draw, breathe, play, swim, jump, dance, write, and so on.

Let’s go back to the article and look at one of the adult examples which I believe is so fascinating.  They worked with a bunch of housekeepers who said that they didn’t have enough time to get in good exercise and be healthy.  So they took some of them and told them how many calories each task burned (vacuuming burns this many calories, making beds burns that many) and without changing anything else in their lives, the housekeepers who had a different mind-set lost weight.

Now they just acknowledged the action of the housekeepers which is what made them healthier.  They didn’t try to change the mindset by saying, “You are thin!” But they did change the mind-set by saying, “Your work burns calories”.

Children are the same: you can change their whole outlook by acknowledging their actions.  However, you can also kill their motivation by praising them.

Let’s break it down another way:

If you say: “Oh, look at you- you look soo pretty!” (Which by the way, you should never say for so many reasons, so if you do, stop right now!  (Adjective= praise)

Change it to: “Oh look at you- did you pick out your clothes all by yourself?” (Action= positive mind-set)

If you say: “What a beautiful picture!” (Adjective= praise)

Change it to: “You chose to draw with so many colors!” (Action= positive mind-set)

Another article I read that really resonated with me was from Hands Free Mama titled Six Words You Should Say Today which is specifically about kids and sports but can be used with school work, arts, or any activity and is perfect for steering away from praise and towards positive mind-set.

The six words are: “I love to watch you (fill in the action)”.

It is that simple.  Just acknowledging the action and that it makes you smile.

Nothing more.

The takeaway:

No more praise.  No more adjectives.  Acknowledge the action and watch how your kids change.

 

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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30Oct

Have you heard about this- change your child’s behavior today!

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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This article in the New York Times has been out for a couple of days but it really took me a while to read it because I know that mindset affects age.

Everyone knows that.

If you think you are younger, you’ll feel a little bit younger.  

What if Age is Nothing but a Mind-Set?


But the results in some of the studies in this article are mind blowing!  You can lose weight, be younger, be happier just by changing one word in your vocabulary.

But one thing they don’t mention is children and I think it is even more poignant how children can change through perspective.

Imagine– if adults can physically lose weight just from believing that they are healthier, what would happen to your child’s behavior if they thought they were great kids.

Here’s a scenario (imagined only after you read the whole article): You are at a friend’s house and a mom with a toddler walks in and says, “Oh man, Let me sit down a second before my son starts tearing up the whole house and breaking things.”

And within five minutes, he is running around and trying to get things to throw.

Here’s scenario number two: The same friend’s house, and the same mother walks in with her toddler and the friend says, “Should I get these things out of your way so that he can’t reach them?” And the mom responds, “No, he is very respectful and your things will be fine.”  And even if in five minutes the toddler starts to reach for something (which he probably won’t), the mom can remind him, “no touching, that’s not ours”.

In the first scenario, the mom is setting her child up for poor behavior, however in the second scenario, the same mom is setting up the same child for success!

What if Age is Nothing but a Mind-Set?

I have twins boys so just about everywhere I go, I hear, “Are they twins?  Wow, they must be a handful!”  

Can you imagine?  All my boys’ life they have been hearing that they are a handful which is a really nice way to say that they are difficult.   

But get this, I always respond, “A handful of love!“

So for their three long years, they have been hearing about how they are full of love every time they meet a stranger.

You can change your child’s behavior by changing the words you use around them, to describe them, and when you ask them to do things.

This isn’t about praise, I’m not telling you to start telling your children that they are smart, or that their picture is beautiful.  I’ll talk about praise another day, this is about changing one or two words in how you describe your child to other people and how you set their course and give them the perspective that they are good kids!

boulderchildwhisperer.com

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18Feb

It’s OK that some things are hard (Don’t take away the challenges)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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challenges

Life is tough.

Many days, I wish that someone would come and take away some of my challenges, but it never seems to happen.

So why then, do we so often remove challenges from children’s lives?

As a teacher, I was often in team situations where other teachers would remove challenges from their classroom, In fact, it was sometimes the theme of a professional development workshop.   

They would say things like:

“In order to have less conflict in your classroom, be sure to have multiple copies of one toy.”  

Now I’m not saying that we should limit the number of toys in classroom (because I think that there should be enough toys so that every child has one) but I don’t think that there should be more than one of a certain toy just because it might cause conflict.   

In fact, I think that teachers should deliberately have just one special toy in their classroom in order to create a challenge and teach children how to manage it!

I remember sharing a gym time with one teacher who would always remove all the obstacles from the bike track and it drove me crazy every day.  I wanted signs and obstacles in the way so that they had to learn how to get around them. When I asked her why she always wanted the track free of debris, she said that she didn’t want the kids to get into a traffic jam.  When I asked her ‘why not?’, she didn’t have an answer.  

One day I asked her to watch the kids if we didn’t move things out of the way for them and see what would happen. These children, (3-5 years old) with many different abilities and languages, communicated more, interacted more, worked together and problem solved when before they would just go around in circles for 45 minutes. 

Here’s the thing-

They will struggle.

They will get frustrated 

And that will be hard for you.

But it is ok for them and they don’t need you to take the challenge away.

This will seem counter-intuitive, because you will want to help them and relieve their frustration.  But as I have said before, parenting is no longer intuitive.  Only in the last fifty or so years has parenting become so interactive with children.  Children used to watch each other or help out with chores all day and there wasn’t time for a parent to just “be” with their child.  Now a parent’s job is to hang out with their children and that puts us into many situations where we can “help” our children but we end up helping too much.

But you aren’t going to let your child run around the neighborhood completely independent so since you will be around your child, you can coach your child when a challenge arises.  Instead of doing it for them, helping them out of a fix, you can talk to them and:

1) Tell them that they can do it!

2) Offer up some solutions of ways that they can solve their problem.

3)  Acknowledge how hard it is and that it might take a lot of work.

4) Sometimes you can empathize and talk about hard things that you do and how sometimes it is really frustrating.

This way of parenting is hard, and will cause more tantrums, but in the end will be worth it and you can do it!

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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1Jan

“How we spend our days is how we spend our lives”

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Parental Support Positive Parenting Unplugging
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days-of-lives

This is a quote from Annie Dillard and it really speaks to me on the first day of the new year.


Are our days rushed, stressed and unfulfilled?

Or are we able to breathe and enjoy our days?

The negative moments in our lives are just a moment, but strung together, they are our lives.

There are many days that I still can’t believe that I’m a parent.  I keep thinking that one day I will actually feel like a parent and will know and understand what that feeling is, but it may end up that I’ll be lying on my death bed and finally realize that I was a parent this whole time.  

So what does that mean?

  • It means making conscious decisions about parenting.  
  • It means deciding that we will all eat together at least once per week.  
  • It means that there will be no devices at the table.  
  • It means that I will take a deep breath in front of my children as they are losing it and I’m about to lose it as well.
  • It means that the majority of my interactions with my children will be positive.  So if I find that I have three snippety utterances, then the next nine things I say will have to be positive!
  • It means that I will be clear about my expectations with my children rather than assuming that they know what I am asking of them. 

Because the way that I parent today is the parent that I am.   

Seriously, I still don’t feel like a parent.  What does that truly feel like?

If you want your 2014 to be calmer, your children to listen better, your family to be more connected, contact me today and we will get you started on a parenting plan.  The initial consultation is free

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26Nov

Gratitude

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Positive Parenting
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gratitude

With Thanksgiving fast approaching and the warm feeling of holidays creeping up on me, I feel compelled to write about gratitude.

I see lots of people talking about feeling thankful and being grateful and I love the reminders.  It is so important to be thankful and to express gratitude.  

I love this article from New York Times which talks about the physical changes that your body encounters from expressing gratitude.  Better sleep, less anxiety, acting kinder and feeling happier are all results of the simple act of being thankful.  It is a couple of years old, but deserves to be revisited. 


It is something that we can do for the month of November but since the month is coming up on a close, start practicing it now and then try to refresh your gratitude as the winter continues on into the spring.  It can be part of your dinner conversation or can be done right before bed as part of the bedtime routine.

“What are you thankful for?”  Or even “what was the best part of your day?” can be a reminder to what you appreciate in your life.  Life gets tough, life gets rough.  Children start fussing and crying, bills pile up and sometimes it seems like everything is going against you.  But just looking at one thing that did go right today can change things around.  It helps your shift your perspective.   Even if all you can muster out is “the best part of my day was the corn dog.”   Then smile at the corndog and know that you just changed your life physically and mentally.

Be thankful for all the big things and all the small things (especially the small things) in your life and then watch this video:



This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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22Aug

What is Parent Coaching? And How Can it Help You Be a Better Parent?

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Positive Parenting
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parent coaching boulder

 

This question has come up a lot lately, and although I have touched on it briefly, it deserves a whole post. 

These days, we reach out to professionals in just about every aspect of our lives.  If we need help with our car, or if we just want it to work better, we go to a mechanic.   If we’re not sure about how to deal with a pest problem, we call an exterminator.

However, with the accessibility of the internet, we often solve a lot of our problems by researching on the web.  Instead of going to the mechanic or the exterminator, we may look up some options on the internet for taking care of it ourselves.

This is even more common with parenting.  A lot of questions can be answered by googling the problem and seeing what other parents have done.  And for a lot of situations, that does work. 

But many times, it only clouds your judgement.  You will most likely hear differing opinions on the same topic and although both will have good ideas behind them, second guessing yourself as a parent will only worsen the problem.

Thankfully, our relationships with our cars and spiders aren’t everlasting and intertwined.  But our relationships with our children are.   It is important that we understand the consequences (good or bad) of our everyday actions and this is where a parent coach can help.

You already know what you want for your child and you may even know how to get there.  But something is standing in the way and a parent coach can guide you to be the best parent you can be.

Similar to a sports coach who helps runners have a more efficient stride, or helps bike riders improve their lung capacity; a parent coach fine tunes your parenting skills and brings you to the next level of parenting.

Call me today to take your parenting to the next level!

 
This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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12Jun

How we talk about our children (in front of our children)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Oct-2006-017

Parents fall into traps all the time.  Unfortunately, it is part of parenting.  This is an easy trap to get out of and possibly one of the most important ones. 

Have you ever caught yourself saying the following in front of your kids?

“He’s my difficult kid.”

“She won’t eat anything.”

“He never listens.”

“I can’t get her to sit still for anything.”

We talk about our kids when they are right there especially when they are very young and not as attentive.  But very young children are at the age when they absorb everything, so it is key to use that time to your advantage and let them hear you tell everyone about their attributes.

For the next couple of days try this instead:

“He brings me so much joy.”

“She is trying new foods all the time.”

“He is a good listener.” (even if he isn’t- they internalize what they hear.)

“She loves to listen to stories!”

As children get older, they often know when we are talking about them.  They will hear either the good or the bad and then make it true.  I have never seen a situation where a parent says, “It’s going to be difficult to get her to pay attention” and then have the child actually pay attention.  The child also assimilates that statement into her being and it becomes part of her.

The parent so easily could have said, “Today we are going to be able to sit longer and try and stay for the whole show!” and when the child sits better than they ever have, there will be a big high five at the end!

How we talk about our children defines our children. 

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