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6Sep

How important is it to teach a toddler patience

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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parent Coaching Boulder

Kids want things, and they want them now.  Not only can we not give them everything at the exact moment that they ask for it, but it is also a lesson that humans need to learn.

It is amazing how young children can learn how to wait. The younger the child, the shorter attention span they have to wait, but even seconds is such a meaningful lesson.

There is no age too young or too old to teach a child to wait.   If you choose to teach your child sign language, the sign for wait (wiggling your fingers in the air) is an amazing tool.  Not only is it interesting for the child to look at (and later do) it allows the child to communicate and self-regulate.  As you make the sign (maybe they are asking for food, milk, or a toy) say, “I can wait.”  Research has shown time and time again the self- talking helps behavior. 

This can be introduced to older children as well.  You can even use it as an adult.  The next time you are getting frustrated with slow machine, person or situation, take a deep breath and say, “I can wait.”   You will see the power in this sentence.

Before you know it, you will see pride in your child’s face as they use this tool to be patient.  

To take the next step to teaching your child patience, contact us today!

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.blogspot.com

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3Sep

How to Tell Your Child “No” and be a Positive Parent

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Brother Twins

Saying “no” to our children is a hard thing to do, because the child doesn’t want to hear it and a tantrum will result later.  

Tantrums have built themselves a bad reputation, and I have spoken earlier about avoiding tantrums; but they can be a learning opportunity.  A child who never tantrums, never learns.

A child needs to learn what is ok and what is not ok.  So they are constantly seeking that threshold.  Is it ok to throw a ball?  Is it ok to throw my clothes?  Is it ok to throw the cat?  Unfortunately, they don’t know until they try and see our reaction.

At some point, they are going to reach the limit of what is ok, and at that point we have to say “no” and then stick with it.  

Imagine this situation; a young child gets a hold of something they shouldn’t have (bag of candy, scissors, a fragile vase) and the parent tells them that they can’t have that.  The child screams, and the parent relents and says, “ok, but only if you….”.  What should have happened is the parent should have said, “Sorry, but the answer is “no”.  You can’t have that.”  The child will scream for a moment, but the parent can also help the child with breathing, calming down, distraction, etc.

Consistency is key in raising children.  Children want to find the limit and the only way to find that line is to test it.  They want their parents to be consistent in saying “no”.  They actually thrive for that.  You have seen it before.  Your child throws a toy (fork, rock, etc.) and you remind them that “it is not safe and not to do it again.”  They do it one more time to test that limit.  You remind them that if they do it again, then the toy will be removed or the child will be removed from the situation.  Inevitably, the child does it again.  Why?  Because they need to know that you are serious about that limit.  They need to hear you say “no”. 

Now saying “no” has also gotten a bad reputation because a lot of parents don’t want a ton of negativity in their young child’s life.  I completely agree with that.  It is wonderful to teach limits to your child without saying “no”.   But here’s the key- you have to be consistent.  So if your words are “Remember, you need to be gentle with your bother”. Then when your child isn’t gentle, you need to say, “I’m sorry that you weren’t able to be gentle, let’s try again another time.”  For some parents, it will be easier to be consistent by saying “no”.   

As long as the child is able to learn limits, both styles are great.

What happens when a parent doesn’t do this and often gives in to their young child’s desires?  The child becomes a teenager and later an adult who has to have anything they want.  They won’t hear someone say “no” in very delicate situations (alcohol, drugs, sex) and they will have more difficulty in making positive choices.

It seems hard to take these steps with a young child, but it is so much easier when the question is candy and fragile vases versus drugs and alcohol at a later date.

If you need help implementing these ideas, contact me today!

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20Aug

Have you ever tricked your child?

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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A common trap that parents fall into is “tricking” the child to get through a difficult situation. 

It is so easy to say, “we can do that when we get home” just to get a child to make a transition, knowing full well that the child will forget on the way home and you won’t have to follow through.

But this is the first step in building a child’s trust, teaching them about being trustworthy and helping their behavior.

All you have to do when you get home is what you told them you were going to do, even if (and especially if) they forgot.

Almost immediately, you will see a behavior change in your child when you say, “remember how I told you I would read that book after nap?  Well, now your nap is over, so let’s read the book!”  If your child no longer wants to read the book, then that’s perfectly ok.  But you remembered which will help your child build memory skills and will show him or her that your word is worth something.

Once you do this a couple of times, all you have to say in the future is, “we can’t go to the park now because we have errands to run, but we can go this weekend.”  Your child will know that you mean it, they will trust you, and they won’t throw a fit.

When I was five or six years old, I incessantly asked my mother for a kitten.  In order to get me to stop, she said, “when you are eight, you can get a kitten.”  She had no idea how important that kitten was to me (or park, or story, or treat to your child).  I never brought up a kitten again until the day of my eighth birthday.   I did get a kitten a couple of months later but I never forgot what my mother said.

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12Aug

Augh!- more research about our phones (put them down).

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Positive Parenting Unplugging
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unplug

We instinctively know what is best for our children and ourselves which doesn’t explain hours spent on pinterest, watching bad TV or eating tons of chocolate.  But we do need to tap into those instincts as we raise our little ones and keep our time with the screen as little as possible.

An article in the New York Times has some interesting findings.  It talks about a nerve that connects the heart to the brain.  This nerve was always thought of as static and unchanging.  It is a nerve that sends signals back and forth from the brain to the heart and part of those signals are how we interact with other humans.  The nerve changes depending on how much time we spend with other people. So a quick synopsis of the article says that the more human interaction we have, the healthier hearts we have. 

It goes way deeper than that, but as a parent, we don’t always have time to read about the intricacies of our nervous system.  What we do have time to find out is that we need to get off our phones when we are around our babies.  They have found that babies who are breastfed with distracted mothers have more behavior and now cardiovascular problems.  

So we can start tuning into our babies and kids starting tomorrow.  It will make us healthier and our children happier and healthier.

Two ideas that you can implement tomorrow are to have a a “no devices at the table” rule where if you eat a meal together as a family, under no circumstances can a phone be used.  (Trust me, situations will arise that a phone will seem obligatory, but you can live without it).  The other idea is to have an entire unplugged day.  I love this idea, haven’t implemented it myself, but would love to someday.

This may seem like small stuff, but all of this technology is very new. We don’t know what it is doing to us, but we do know how important we are to each other; especially as children and parents.

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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4Aug

How to offer choices as a tool for discipline

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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boulder Hiking

Your child is at the precipice of a tantrum and you have a great tool at your disposal: give them a choice.

Many parents are aware of the benefits of offering your child choices, but not everyone is sure how to do it, or has all of the tools to have it go smoothly.  

A young child is learning independence and they need to have a say in their life.  So your job is to offer a choice.  But there is a very wrong way to offer a choice:

“Do you want to clean up your mess?”  “NOOOO!”

Or a better way to offer a choice:

“Would you like to use a rag or a dustbuster to clean up your mess?”

“No you!!”

“Rag or dustbuster?”

“susduster”

How to Offer Choices

The basics of offering choices is that you offer two options within what the child is allowed to do. 

So, for instance, if a child wants to play next to a dangerous river (where they are not allowed) you can offer the choice to climb on the rocks, or to dig for worms.  This will give the child a sense of independence and responsibility while taking away the need for a power struggle.


This technique works especially well with situations that often are difficult.  If it is time to leave the house, and your child is dawdling, you can ask them if they want to wear their shoes or their boots (instead of yelling, “Hurry Up! Let’s Go!”). 

If it is time to go to bed, you can ask them if they want Mom or Dad to read a story.  Or you can ask them which stuffed animal they want to take to bed with them.


It isn’t the choice of whether or not they get to leave the house or whether or not they get to go to bed, it is how all that is done.  


Once a child starts to learn to make decisions for themselves, there will be fewer power struggles.  A person (or child) who has a sense of control over their lives will feel more secure and have better self-esteem.  

 

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14Jul

Take care of yourself, others and environment

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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Brotherly love

If you break it down, there are really only three rules for living:

*Take care of yourself

*Take care of others

*Take care of your environment (the things around you)

Any transgression can fall into one of these three rules. 

Your child is grabbing the cat’s tail? No- because we take care of others.  

Your child is throwing a toy? No- because we take care of our things. 

Your child refuses to brush their teeth? No- because we take care of ourselves.  

These work for adults too and as I remind my children, it is a good self reminder to treat myself with respect, to be good to my husband and children, and to be good to my world by remembering my reusable bags. 

It is a consistent and gentle way to remind children about behavior without nagging.  You can also reinforce this by noticing ways that the family is following those rules.  An easy one is “Mom is working right now to help take care of the family”.  But other ones that are equally as effective are “Dad is making breakfast and taking such good care of us!” or “Thanks for feeding the dog, that is taking good care of Rover” or “We don’t eat food in the living room because we want to take good care of our house.”  

It honestly doesn’t get old like other more trite behavior modifiers and I really appreciate it when my husband gushes “Mama takes such good care of all of us!” 

 

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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26Jun

Simplify your life: teach problem solving skills!

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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Problem solving

Bed time not working? Problem solve!  Leaving the house takes forever?  Problem solve!  Kids want the same toy? Problem solve!  You don’t have enough snack? Problem solve!

Problem solving is an essential skill for life so how young can a child learn this skill and how in the world do we teach it?  

Amazingly enough, researchers say that children as young as 18 months can learn how to solve problems.  Imagine what this would do for you; fewer fights with siblings and parents, more independence, higher self-esteem, more self-reliance, and the list goes on and on not to mention higher thinking skills for school.

So we know all the benefits of having problem solving skills, but how do we teach it? 

First and foremost, it takes patience.  If you solve the problem then it is much much quicker, but if you step back and just ask questions, it may take a lot longer, but the child builds the skills for solving their own problems.

For children who are very young (under two) you can start teaching it by looking for something that is lost.  “Where is it?” can be heard over and over again in houses with very young children. It would take just seconds for you to find their missing shoe, favorite toy or family pet, but it wouldn’t teach any skills.  If you have the patience to take ten minutes to find that shoe (I promise you, the people who are waiting for you won’t care, and if they do, tell them you were teaching your child problem solving skills).  

As the child gets older, bigger problems will arise such as taking turns with toys, not getting their way, boredom, disagreements with friends and the list goes on…

Problem solving skills are also essential for dealing with problems that are affecting the whole family such as bedtime or getting out of the house in the morning.

The steps for solving problems are as follows:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. What are some solutions?
  3. What solution did we choose?
  4. Did that solution work?

Let’s start with what is the problem?

The first step in problem solving is always naming the problem.  Once children can name the problem, they stop worrying about blame or past grievances and can move towards solving what is wrong.

When there is a conflict, our first reaction is to jump in and start yelling.  But if we stop and either say, “uh oh” (for younger kiddos)  or “What is the problem?” (for older kiddos)  Then we are asking our children to start thinking about what is happening.

I’m gonna go out on limb here and say that with children under the age of five, 99.97% of problems are around both children wanting the same thing.  So that makes this part easy.  You say, “Uh oh, you both want the red car” or “What is the problem?” and if they aren’t sure, “Did both of you want the swing with the blue seat?” 

Once the problem is named, what are some solutions?

Chances are, the children are too young or don’t have exposure to problem solving skills so for a good while, you will have to narrate and give them the language to problem solve. 

So you can start with, “I have an idea (or I have a solution); we can put the red car away so that nobody will fuss over it” (I always give the worst solution first so that children don’t automatically jump on it and then they have to think.  It shows them that there is always more than one idea and often it is the one that we go with if we can’t find agreement.)

Then you can ask for other ideas and again if they are younger or not sure, offer ideas. “Or we can let child A have the car for a couple of minutes and then child B can have the car.”  When child B fusses, switch the order.  Now we have gone through three possible solutions and still no one is happy.  This is where it gets fun.  This is where you can get really creative and eventually teach your children to do the same.  Say, “OK, here’s another idea, we could paint another car red and then you both have red cars.  Or we could make another red car out of paper and then we would have two. OR (and it’s fun to see how crazy you can get) we could saw the red car in half and you can each have half!” (make sure it is something you can really do (or at least try) in case they choose that option.)

Then you have to pick one solution.  If there is no agreement, then the parent can choose one, and the parent usually chooses the least desirable option.

Then implement and later you can ask the children, did that solution work?

Since each problem is different, each solution will be different as well and this is where you and your child can get very creative.  Again, it takes so much longer to have a child solve a problem and usually the solution is not one that you would choose, but it is one of the most important skills they can learn.

You can then use these steps to solve any problem that comes up in your family. 

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12Jun

How we talk about our children (in front of our children)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Oct-2006-017

Parents fall into traps all the time.  Unfortunately, it is part of parenting.  This is an easy trap to get out of and possibly one of the most important ones. 

Have you ever caught yourself saying the following in front of your kids?

“He’s my difficult kid.”

“She won’t eat anything.”

“He never listens.”

“I can’t get her to sit still for anything.”

We talk about our kids when they are right there especially when they are very young and not as attentive.  But very young children are at the age when they absorb everything, so it is key to use that time to your advantage and let them hear you tell everyone about their attributes.

For the next couple of days try this instead:

“He brings me so much joy.”

“She is trying new foods all the time.”

“He is a good listener.” (even if he isn’t- they internalize what they hear.)

“She loves to listen to stories!”

As children get older, they often know when we are talking about them.  They will hear either the good or the bad and then make it true.  I have never seen a situation where a parent says, “It’s going to be difficult to get her to pay attention” and then have the child actually pay attention.  The child also assimilates that statement into her being and it becomes part of her.

The parent so easily could have said, “Today we are going to be able to sit longer and try and stay for the whole show!” and when the child sits better than they ever have, there will be a big high five at the end!

How we talk about our children defines our children. 

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4Jun

How to deal with the dreaded temper tantrums

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Boulder parent consulting

Temper tantrums can be a parent’s nightmare as well as an essential learning opportunity for toddlers.

Erik Erikson wrote about the different developmental stages that we go through in life.  He said that for children 1 1/2 to 3 years of age, they are in the “Autonomy versus Shame or Doubt” stage.

So, each child is learning about autonomy or “I can do it myself” or “I am an individual” during this stage.  Unfortunately, with that autonomy also comes a lack of communication.  Few two years olds can discuss exactly what they want to do with a situation.

So the caregiver has two things that they need to do with young children to help with temper tantrums;

1) Interpret what the child is trying to accomplish and

2) Give the child some autonomy through choices.

If neither of those things happen, the child falls into the other part of the stage that Erikson set forth which is shame or doubt.  The child is trying to assert themselves as a capable individual, and if they fail, not only do they feel frustration, but there are residual effects of “I’m not good enough” and “I can’t do it”.

This is why temper tantrums are so important.  Helping children at this stage can literally help children through the rest of the childhood stage, into teenager stage and  then long into adulthood.

Let’s look at the first concept:

1) Interpret what the child is trying to accomplish

With toddlers at this age, communication doesn’t come easily.  Pair that with their desire to do everything themselves and you have a recipe for disaster  temper tantrums.  So you can ask them what they are trying to do, and see if you can get any response that is interpretable, or you can use some clues to try and figure it out for yourself.  Is your child trying to pack up their favorite toy to bring it with them and they can’t unzip a zipper?  Is your child trying to wash their hands by themselves and they are trying to get closer to the sink?   When your young toddler is doing something very strange (that you may not want them to do) first try to interpret what the child is trying to accomplish.

2) Give the child some autonomy through choices

Children at this age can do so so much.  But they can’t do everything.  That’s where the importance of choices comes into play.

For example, it is time to leave to go (to the doctor, to childcare, to grandma’s house) and your child starts to get fussy.  They will be more willing participants if they are actual participants.  If you tell them what they are going to do, they lose their sense of autonomy that is so important to them at this age.  So you can start by giving them a choice where everyone wins.  Tell them that it’s time to go and then:

*”Do you want to wear your red shoes or your black shoes?”

*”Do you want to put on your jacket by yourself or do you want me to help you?”

*”Do you want to bring your book with your or your teddy bear?”

With all of these choices, the child is able to become an individual, they are able to have control over a part of their life.  But none of these choices is “Do you want to go or stay home?” because that is when parents lose control and temper tantrums can surface again.

Unfortunately, so many temper tantrums happen in public.  Children have an innate sense of the power they hold.  But the good thing is that, once children get some control over their lives, they will have less of a need to fight for it.  But when you do experience the public temper tantrum, the best thing is to leave the space.  Everyone will be able to problem solve more easily when there isn’t an audience.

Then once you are away from the public eye (usually outside) you can go back to square one; decipher what the child is trying to accomplish and then help the child to find a solution.

Keeping these two points in mind (interpret what they are trying to accomplish, and giving them choices) will help your toddler with the dreaded temper tantrums.

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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