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26Mar

Does your child have all of the control? How to find a balance

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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A big part of parenting is the question of control and who has it.  The two extremes of parenting are authoritarian parenting where the parent has complete control and permissive parenting where the child has complete control.

Most parents have a goal to fall somewhere in the middle; sharing control.

If I had to guess, I’d say that about 80% of parenting dilemmas and headaches revolve around the issue of control and who has it.   If you have a child, you probably deal daily with something along these lines.

Do you say, “I have asked you now 10 times to put your shoes on!”?  (child has control)

Does your child say, “You are so mean!  I hate eating broccoli!” (You have control)

Do you hear, “No no no no no!” in your household? (Someone is trying to gain control)

So let’s look at the two types of parenting that I see so prevalent today:

Authoritarian parenting: a quick google search says that authoritarian is “favoring or enforcing strict obedience to authority”.  I see this manifest with parents as you will eat what I put on your plate because that what my parents did when I was a kid.   Or even just the simple, “Stop it!” or “No!”

Permissive parenting: This type of parenting pops up a lot in Boulder and sometimes is seen as relaxed and laid back, but in reality, lacks in structure and harmony.  Sometimes it is a chosen style of parenting and sometimes it is by necessity if the parent is overwhelmed or just under-equipped with parenting tools.  I even have found parenting websites from Boulder that extol permissive parenting as long as you have enough love.

The reality is that we need to fall somewhere in the middle.  We need balance.

If the parent has too much control (authoritarian) then there will be many tantrums which are a way for the child to steal some control back from the parent.

If the child has too much control (permissive) then there will be a lot of pushing boundaries to see where the line is finally drawn.  I often hear, “but I wanted the blue cup instead of the red cup” in permissive families and the parent acquiesces and gives the child the blue cup.  That child has too much control.

So what does this all-magical balance look like and is it attainable?

You need to set limits for most things.  One family philosophy that you could adopt is “We take care of ourselves, our things and each other”.  For each transgression of not taking care of something, you can give three reminders.  The first time, connect and set the limit (Are you ok? We don’t hit).  The second time, you set the limit and inform the consequences. (We don’t hit, if you are using your hands then we need to go home) and the third time, you set the limits and enact the consequence (We don’t hit, we need to be safe so it is time for us to go home.)

By setting limits, you are taking some of the control but you are also checking in with your child.

But now you need to let them have some control so that they don’t have a temper tantrum every time that you set a limit.

How do you give them control and still set limits?

You offer choices within the limit.  If your limit is that your child must eat dinner at the table (a fine limit I must tell you, adopt it if you haven’t already) then they get to choose when they are done eating.  Getting up from the table is their choice that they are done.

If your limit is that you must wear clothes to school, then they get to choose which clothes.

Each situation will be unique and you will have to get creative at times.  Parenting is one of those things that keeps you on your toes!

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3Aug

Lessons learned during the pandemic

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Pandemic Parental Support
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This is going to start out as a rant and then back off a little bit.  

But I’m frustrated right now.  I keep hearing the wrong thing and I’m not loud enough to change the narrative.

Typically at the end of summer, people are talking about going back to school and who their teacher might be and they are starting to think about tests and facts and what kids might learn.

But this isn’t a typical year.  Families might have someone who is immune compromised and their kids might not be able to attend in-person school.  Teachers might themselves be at risk for the virus or might have someone near them where they just can’t risk getting sick.

And yet, I go online and I see people saying “But I don’t want my kids to get behind.”  “Where do I get materials for teaching grade level math”  and “How much should I pay a tutor?” 

I’m not going to talk about inequalities and disparities within our communities and the schools because that is another topic.  I’m going to simply look at how much people are talking about their kids learning facts and how little people are talking about their kids learning to be part of a community.

Ok, here’s where the rant starts:  The other day, my kids started tennis lessons.  This is the first structured activity that they have done in about 5 months.  There are 5 kids in the class (only 3 families) and they are all wearing masks and it is outside and they are all distancing themselves.

I started talking to the other mom about school and how crazy all of this was and she said that as long as things weren’t as bad as they were in the spring.  I agreed with that, the spring was tough.  She said that her son’s teacher only spent 20 minutes a day teaching last spring and that wasn’t ok.

So, I tried offering another perspective.  I said that from a parent’s point of view, it may appear that the teachers are only spending 20 minutes a day teaching but we as parents won’t see that teacher walking other students through assignments and projects through video calls.  We won’t see the conversations that teacher is having with students who are way ahead and keep asking for more challenging material.  We won’t see her looking at each project individually and trying to differentiate for kids who just aren’t understanding.

“Nope,” the tennis mom said, “I don’t believe she did any of that- she just dropped the ball and barely taught at all.  My son had very little to do in the spring. She didn’t create any online content worth anything and my son learned absolutely nothing last spring.”

“Ok,” I said, “I hear you.  Not all teachers were meant to teach online.  It isn’t everyone’s forte. But still, I think we need to support to teachers anyway we can.”

“Not only that,” She complained “But she also had covid so pretty much nothing got done.”

WAIT!  WHAT!?!

Someone close in your community got sick and your response was “What about me?!”

My jaw dropped and I took a deep breath and I said, “well… maybe that was the learning that was supposed to take place?  Maybe the lesson was how to take care of other people and how to support someone who is still working but also got the virus?”

“Yeah, but we got the short end of the stick in the spring and I don’t want that to happen again.”

Ok. ok.  I’m worked up again right now just thinking about that conversation but it is the same conversation happening all over right now again and again.

What is my kid gonna learn this year?

 

What if your child did not learn a single math equation but knows how to make soup to bring to a sick neighbor?

 

What if your kid doesn’t learn a single history fact but can talk about how they helped combat the virus by wearing masks and social distancing and sacrificing fun events when this becomes history?

 

What if your child doesn’t write a single paper but is able to deal with the disappointment and inevitable conflict of only playing with the same 2 or 3 friends for over a year?

 

What if your child doesn’t do a single science experiment but becomes part of a community that takes care of a teacher, writes kinds notes, and helps create fun learning content for their other classmates while a teacher is down for a couple of weeks recovering from a virus. 

 

I realize that America was created (by white people) to be a nation of individuality; a nation based on freedom (for the privileged) and that these ideals are baked into our psyche whether we realize it or not.  “What about me?”  is a common thread throughout America.  Or even, “What about my family?  What about my child?”

I’m not expecting this to go away, I’m just hopeful that the pandemic can have some larger learning lessons beyond standards and benchmarks and that as a nation we can become something better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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21Mar

It’s gonna get worse before it gets better

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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It will get better.

Things will improve.  

But it WILL get worse before it gets better.

I was saying this to a couple of parents just about a month ago.  Not about a virus but about behavior and sleeping.  

“Things will improve, but they will get worse first.”

Those were my parenting words but they now they have a new meaning as well.  But we can learn from the parallels.  We can be OK with the getting worse part.  We can breath into the difficulty and know that it won’t last forever.

So if your child isn’t getting good sleep and you know that putting a stricter routine into place is actually going to make the behavior worse. You are correct! But don’t let that stop you!  It will get worse, but then it will get better.

If you know that staying at home and not getting a fun coffee or visiting the park will make the whole pandemic shorter and fewer deaths- then do the hard part now because it will get better and it will get better faster, the more work we put in now.  

Do the hard part now, knowing that it will get better faster, the more work we put in now.

I know this is hard.  Parenting is hard and your children will learn so much from this experience.  They will learn that we sometimes do things for our community and not for ourselves.  And that we take care of each other and that we can do hard things. 

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9Oct

Thinking Out Loud About Gratitude and Entitlement

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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I’ve recently been thinking a lot about how to raise a grateful child. Or how to not raise an entitled child.

Is this even possible if you have family that shower them with gifts all of the time?  Is this realistic when their friends get everything they ask for and more?

Does your child whine when they don’t get the toys they want or whine for more?

Does your child expect things to be handed to them even if they aren’t appreciative?

Do you want them to be more mindful about taking care of others?

How can you create gratitude where there is none?

Model it

When you are feeling frustrated and at your worst, think about what you are grateful for and say it out-loud to your kids.

When you feel like the world is against you and nothing is going right, think about what is going right and tell your children.

When your children are being pain in the necks, stop and give them a hug and tell them how grateful you are that they are your children.

Your children will learn that not everything is perfect and that we can still find appreciation in our lives.

Volunteer

Do you ever feel different after you volunteer your time?  Do you feel energized or appreciative?  This will be true for your children too.  They get to do something productive that doesn’t have any concrete results for themselves, it is simply to do something for others.  This will help create empathy which then can translate to not being entitled.

When children are surrounded by people like themselves, then they tend to think that everyone is like that.  So if all of your children’s friends have everything that they need and more, then they might believe that they should also have everything they ask for even more.

When volunteering, sometimes I say to my children that I help out now because someday, I might be the one needing help which leads me to the next one:

The tables can turn

Without creating anxiety in my children, I tell my children that sometimes we are able to help and sometimes we may need help.  Obviously, we are planning for the future and we don’t expect anything to happen to us but I create hope with my children that if things were to change and for some reason we were to lose our house or we weren’t able to have enough money to buy groceries one week, there are people out there that will help us and we’ll be OK.

But since we are able to buy groceries right now, we’ll buy a couple more groceries and donate them to the food bank just as someone would do that for us if the tables were turned.

One of my kids has a bit more of a tendency towards anxiety and he really does well with this message because it is part of the “We take care of each other” message that I’m constantly teaching and instead of feeling overwhelming to him, it actually feels comforting.

Allowance

When your children are 5 years or older, you can use allowance to help children from becoming too entitled. If your children are asking for more and more things you can tell them that they can use their allowance for whatever they want.  If they get 2 dollars a week then they can buy whatever they want for two dollars and that will drastically reduce the consumption of toys and goods.  If they want something that costs more than 2 dollars then they will have to start saving for that larger item or ask for it for their birthday.

Travel

Last but not least, you can travel to other countries and to other cultures. This one is a little tricky because going to an all inclusive resort in Mexico probably won’t create gratitude in your child.  It may only say, “Oh look at the have-nots. Aren’t we glad that we are part of the ‘have’s’  instead of the ‘have-nots?'” Don’t set it up as a look-at-them-versus-us situation because that can be damaging towards building community and creating understanding.

Instead, try a different approach where you are able to interact with other families on a beach or maybe through a homestay.  Learn about what similarities your families have.  Create a connection where your children can see how other people live and can find happiness through means other than possessions.

Practice Every Day!

Make a gratitude journal.  Ask each other at your family dinner what their favorite part of their day was.  And also ask about their challenges or their failures because being grateful doesn’t always mean being happy!

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10Jan

“We Take Care of Each Other” is your new mantra

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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This is your new mantra:

‘We take care of each other.’

This isn’t just for parents with more than one child because parents of only children can benefit from this phrase as well.

Wondering how to keep your kids from hitting each other?

We take care of each other

Wondering how to get your child to help with the dishes?

We take care of each other

Wondering how to have less squabbling?

We take care of each other

So here it is in practice:

It’s morning. Your kids ask what papa is making for breakfast. “Papa’s taking good care of us and making eggs and toast for breakfast”.  As you are getting ready for work and they need your attention you say, “I can’t right now because I’m getting ready for work. I work so that I can take care of you and provide food for all of us.” Your child goes over to pet the cat, “You take such good care of Felix.” Then one child grabs another child’s toy. “Uh oh, did you want a turn with the toy? Let’s take good care of each other and ask for the toy instead of grabbing it. Say, ‘Can I have a turn after you?'”

So on and so forth.

Why would we do this?

Families are units.

Families are important.

Families take care of each other.

If we keep this as a mantra, then the children realize that their siblings aren’t their worst enemies, but rather someone on whom they can rely. 

What you hear becomes your inner voice.  When children hear that they are a valuable part of a unit or a pod, then they feel more secure and become more responsible.

So then this translates into chores and keeping the house nice. 

Children should never be paid for chores (chores and allowance can start at the same time, but one is not dependent on the other). Children do chores for the same reason adults do chores.  To take care of each other.  My husband helps with the laundry so that we all have clean clothes.  He is taking care of us.  I make dinner so that we are all taken care of.  My children bring in a bag of groceries from the car because we all take care of each other. 

What do you do when your child grumbles? “I don’t wanna” or even just “NO!”

Bring it back around to taking care of each other, and say, “I would love to put away the utensils for you and then you can make dinner for me.”  They will end up choosing the easier job (until they don’t!!!) and then you get them to make dinner for you.  I would be lying if I said I never had toast for dinner.  

Because toast is what they made.

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12Oct

On The Days When you Don’t Really Like Your Children

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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It happens, our children are driving us up the wall and to be totally honest, we don’t want to be around them.  We don’t want to hear their voices.  (We don’t really like them) and it feels horrible.

We react differently when we feel this way and we want to get out of this cycle but they are just so annoying.

So practice gratitude around your child.

We know this makes a difference.  In another one of my favorite articles in the New York Times, the author talks about how a bad situation is flipped upside down when he invokes gratitude.  It can work with your kids too.  When you add in gratitude, your whole perspective will change. 

  • So while you are making breakfast, think about one thing that you love about your child.
  • Before you go to bed, write down one thing that you enjoyed about your child during the day
  • Your children may be pain in the necks, but remember what you do have, food on the table, a safe place to sleep, clean clothes to wear.  When we put things into perspective, it is easier to practice gratitude.
  • Volunteer at your local homeless shelter or a group that works with refugees.  When you give, you are also practicing gratitude and if your kids are old enough, have them participate too.

This is real.

When our kids are complete pains, we can really turn things around by practicing daily gratitude.

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23Aug

How to teach consent to toddlers and preschoolers

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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In all this talk about consent with teenagers and young adults, it is important to look at how we teach our young boys.  We should also be teaching our girls about consent, but the two lessons are different.  Here’s what you can do with your little boys:

Boys like to play physically and that is a good thing. Boys like to push boundaries physically and that is also a good thing.  Boys need to know that “stop” means “stop” even when (and especially when) they are toddlers and preschoolers.

I just read this comic strip about consent and I think it is brilliant, but I truly believe that the teaching starts when children are very young.  It starts when they are playing around with their father, brothers, neighbors, friends.

In my household, tickling is a very common thing.  The boys love to tickle and their papa loves to tickle.  When they were answering questions for their Father’s Day presents, the most common response was, “I love it when my papa tickles me.” “My favorite thing about my papa is tickling”.

However, in the midst of a tickling fest, there will often be a “no!”  or a “stop!”.  No matter who is saying the no or the stop, the action has to stop.  This is important for my boys to know and it is also important for my husband to know.  Because this is where it gets tough.  They are having fun, there is momentum to continue, but they also want to stop.  But as soon as anyone says “no” or “stop”, they have to stop.

This isn’t as easy as it sounds.  Everyone is having fun, everyone is laughing and no one really wants it to end, it just got to be too much.   But this is where little boys learn about physical limits, respecting the other person, and being able to stop something that has a lot of momentum.

It isn’t easy for my husband either.  He knows that another tickle will get another laugh and he doesn’t want to fun to end.  But “no” means “no” and “stop” means “stop”.  

It may sound like I might be stretching; relating fun wrestling and tickling with little boys to consensual sex with teenagers and adults, but it isn’t a stretch.   If you wait until your son is a teenager to teach about consent, respect and “no” means “no” then you are waiting too long.

 

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19Jul

Five reasons why you need to have a family dinner this week

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Healthy Eating Positive Parenting Unplugging
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I was talking with my husband about kids last night and how difficult it is to raise children with drugs, media, violence, diseases, addiction and all the other bad things out there in the world.  We were starting to feel a bit depressed when I remembered that there is one thing that you can do to guard your children against all that.

The Family Dinner

Here are the top 5 reasons why you need to have a family dinner with your children this week:

1) Connection

When you sit down at a dinner table, all facing each other, there will be conversation, questions, and connection.  You will build memories, vocabularies, world knowledge and just know more about each other.  This connection will be with your family through the thick and thin.

2) Screen-free

An important part of the family dinner is to turn off all screens.  Not only does this set a precedent for how to eat with others, it will carve out an automatic screen-free time where everyone can be in the present and not connected to something else.  

If there is just one change that you make to create a stronger family, more resilient kids and a better world (corny, I know, but it’s true) then have at least one family dinner this week!

3) Nutrition and picky eaters

Do you have picky eaters?  Family dinner is one of the many ways that you can help them, but the most important thing to remember, is no pressure.  When food is presented in an attractive way, everyone is eating it and everyone is happy and comfortable, children are more likely to try it.  That doesn’t mean that they will eat it, or like it, but if a child just tries a bite of food, science shows that after 20 tries, they will like the food.  So don’t pressure them, just enjoy the food yourself and over the years, your children will be less picky.

4) Family stories

One of my favorite New York Times article talks about how children who have more of a foundation can weather trauma better.  So if they have heard more stories about their family and know more details about their parents and their lives, then they have more tools in their toolbox when things get rough.

5) Routine

With routine, you build trust and create rituals that will ultimately build a foundation on which your child can grow.  One of my favorite routines is to have everyone take a deep breath before everyone starts eating (or once everyone is sitting at the table).  “In through your nose” *breathe* “Out through your mouth” *breathe* “Smell the flowers” *breathe* “blow out the candle”.  This daily exercise will not only help you as a parent to relax and ground yourself, but it also teaches your child essential calming skills.

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13Jun

Let’s talk about consent and young boys

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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I’ve been reading a lot lately about teaching consent and how to get the point across to students in college and high school and as young as middle school.  But you can very easily start with toddlers and preschoolers about consent. 

You have to be the model.

It is super duper important that dads and other adult male figures wrestle and rough-play with their boys.  There have been lots of studies on why this is important.  But probably the most important part of the play is communication.  

As soon as your child says “stop” or “no” or shows sign of no longer wanting to continue (whining, frowning, etc) then you stop and say, “You’re done, I’ll stop.”  

Then the hard part is actually stopping.  Your child will turn around and want to wrestle some more and here’s where the teaching and the learning begins.  “No, I could tell a minute ago that you had enough.  We’ll stop for now and if you want to play again later. Let me know.”  And your child is going to say, “I wanna wrestle more!” and again, you are the model.  “That’s good, but you just said, “No” and I’m going to respect that.  Let’s toss a ball or read a book for a bit and then we can see how you are feeling later.”  

This is hard.  It is SO hard because you were both having fun and even though your little one showed a sign of not wanting to continue, they are saying that they do.  And you have to teach them that no means no, that we communicate in many ways and that we are respectful of each other.  

If you are the dad, then you need to do this.  Do this for all our sons and daughters.  If you are the mom, talk about it with the dad and be the voice that says, “He said no, you need to stop.”

It’s funny because I’m always reminding my husband to stop when either child fusses, says no, or shows that they don’t want to continue playing.  But a couple of weeks ago, I was playing with my boys and we were both laughing and though the laughter, one of them yelled, “No!” and I didn’t stop.   Then from across the room, I heard my husband say, “He just said ‘stop!’ You need to stop!”  and I stopped and thanked my husband because sometimes we all need reminders.

There’s a lot of great articles about teaching children about their private parts and being comfortable with saying no or about children and adults asking for permission to hug or touch.  All of these things together are how we build a new culture of respect and consent. 

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2Feb

The second most important thing to help your child’s behavior- Empathy

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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(The most important thing you can do, by the way, is eat a family dinner together).

Often my posts are about changes you can make when working with your children to help create a better life for you and them.  But today, I’m going to talk a little bit behind the scenes with some “why’s” behind what we do.

Empathy is really such a cornerstone concept because it is super important for parents to have with their children and even more important skill for children to learn.

What is empathy?  My husband said that it is knowing how other people feel.  That in itself is correct, but it is so much more than that.

Empathy is understanding other people’s feelings and what is happening behind the feeling.

Empathy is putting yourself in other people’s shoes.

Let’s first talk about empathy, sympathy and compassion.

Empathy is understanding where someone is coming from.  It is the why behind the actions or behavior.

Sympathy is either feeling the same emotion or being able to feel the same emotion.

Compassion is wanting to help someone who is in need.

All three of these are very important but the one that gets forgotten the most is empathy.

Here are some examples:

With the war in Syria, we have empathy for the refugees. We understand why they are leaving their country.  We probably won’t be able to sympathize with them, unless we ourselves have had to leave our country under duress.  We will most likely have compassion for them and want to help.

However, we may also have empathy for the countries who are not taking in the refugees.  Why are they not helping?  If we look at the “why” behind their behavior we might read that they don’t feel like they have the resources to take in all the refugees.  They might even be afraid of what the future will look like with so many people who don’t have jobs or who speak the language.  If we look at the why’s behind their behavior, we might have empathy for these countries. Even though I may not agree with these countries, I can understand where they are coming from. I myself wouldn’t have sympathy for these countries because I believe that I would feel differently. And it certainly doesn’t mean that we have compassion for these countries.   If they are refusing entry to the refugees, they don’t deserve any compassion for their actions.

So the three are intertwined but can also be very separate.  When empathy becomes the most difficult, but most important, is when we see behavior that is undesirable.  In the first example, pretty much everyone would have empathy for the refugees, but in the second example, it is a bit more difficult to have empathy for countries refusing refugees entry.  We have to dig deep to find some empathy and figure out where the behavior is coming from.

When we have empathy for our children, our conflicts de-escalate, our connection builds and we can solve problems without all the fussing and fighting that often happens with people don’t get their way.

If your child doesn’t get a toy that they want, you can empathize with that.  They wanted something, they didn’t get it.  That sucks.  It sucks for us adults as well when we wanted a poppy seed bagel and we get to the bagel shop and they are all out.  We can empathize.  “You are bummed because you didn’t get that toy that you wanted.”  We can sympathize, “I feel the same way when I don’t get something I want.”  We can have compassion, “Would you like a hug?”

We also need to have tons of empathy when we are giving consequences.  We may be angry with our children when their behavior is unacceptable, but it is wiser and more effective to give consequences with a big ol’ dose of empathy.  Let’s say your one child has just smacked your other child after a particularly trying morning.  

Without empathy:

You can pick him up angrily and bring him into his room and say, “Don’t ever do that again!”

With empathy:

You can stop, say, “Uh oh.  I can’t allow you to hit anyone.  I know you wanted that toy, but you will have to go somewhere where everyone will be safe.” and carry him gently into his room.

And equally important as empathizing with our children is teaching them empathy.

How do we teach empathy?

First, we are empathetic with our children.  Then, we teach them problem solving skills which include looking at other solutions (seeing where the other child is coming from).  Thirdly, we talk about the why’s behind behavior.

For really young children, we can just point out the “why” behind the situation:

Without empathy:

“Stop fussing! You both need to share!”

With empathy:

“Look, Eliza wants a turn with the toy, too.”

Without empathy:

“Ugh, that child is so whiny.”

With empathy:

“Let’s give some of our snack to Melissa, I think she might be hungry.”

And for older children, it can be much more of a discussion:

Is someone bothering your child (a sibling or a child at school)? You can start the discussion with, “What do you think is going on?”   “Do you think that the other child wants what you have?”  “Do you think they might be lonely?”

When you look at the why’s behind the situation and help your child look at why someone is acting someway, then you are teaching them all about empathy.

Why does all this matter?

Just like blueberries are one of those super-foods, empathy is one of those super skills.  Children and adults who have empathy end up having more friends, getting better jobs, are better bosses, have better relationships and so on.   There is one caveat, however and that is that there is a study that says that the most powerful people in the world have less empathy than other people.  So if you want your child to be a ruler and be able to get power with any means necessary, then don’t teach her empathy.  But if you want her to be successful and happy, then use empathy yourself with your children and teach them how to be empathetic as well.

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