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27Oct

Be the mom on the wagon (Anyone can adapt, any child can adapt)

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Healthy Eating Sleep Unplugging
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Wagon

A difficult part of parenting is knowing that everything will change.  At times, it can bring comfort hence the ever popular “this too shall pass”.  But it can also bring anxiety when in not knowing how to handle situations.

For instance, many parents don’t want to introduce pacifiers or thumbs because sometime down the road, things will change and they will then have to take them away.   Or your dentist says that you can no longer give your child a bottle right before they go to bed, but then your children will scream and will never go to bed.  Or you gave your child an iPhone when they were tiny and now it’s all they want all the time and you want to restrict the use.

Here’s the good news; anyone can adapt, any child can adapt.

What ever change you want to introduce, you can do it! Your child can adapt to anything.  

I like to picture families traveling across the states during the gold rush in a covered wagon pulled by horses.  Then I like to put a modern family inside that wagon and I here, “Honey, the kids will never be able to take a nap if the wagon is bumpy or cold”.  “We can try to serve them beans for dinner, but I don’t think they’ll eat it.”  “If we don’t warm their milk enough, they’ll never drink it!”  

No, these families and these children had to adapt.  They had to sleep wherever and however they could.  They ate whatever was offered to them.  

Even though our situations today are much more comfortable, we have to remind ourselves that we don’t have to make our situations perfect.  

Over the last month, our house was under construction and it was loud.  So loud that the walls sometimes shook.  The first 3 days were very difficult.  Both of the boys cried and wanted to be held all the time.  We left the house as much as we could but we had to be home for nap time.  So let me tell you, I didn’t think that the boys would be able to nap, but they did, they adapted.

We are in a generation where we have options.  I could have said, “let’s not do the construction”.  I could have said, “You have to stop construction for two hours every day”.  But I know that mothers haven’t always had options.  I know that children can adapt.



Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child can no longer have a bottle before bed, pretend that you are on the trail, and you left your only bottle at the last camp.  You are not going to head back 20 miles and 2 days out of the way to collect one bottle.  Your child on the wagon has to adapt to not having a bottle.  There’s no other option. 

Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child is used to getting to eat whatever they want at dinner time and you can only cook one meal, pretend you are on the trail and that’s all the food you have.  Whatever is on their plate, they can eat and if they don’t want to eat that, then that’s fine, there will be food tomorrow.

Be the mom on the wagon.  If your child is screen addicted and wants the phone, ipad, tv or computer all the time, pretend you are on the trail and the only entertainment for them is the great outdoors or a book or playing with you or by themselves.  You can just say, “not now.”  “I don’t know where it is (hidden high in a closet)” or “oops!  it’s not working right now..”  

With all of these changes, your children will fuss, they will tantrum and they will scream.  Because it is an effective way for them to get what they want.  But be the mom on the wagon; even if they are screaming, you physically can’t get the bottle, more food or a new electronic toy.  Be consistent, stick with it and your children will adapt.  They will be fine with it once they realize that it is their reality.  
 

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5Oct

Disappointment and the Power of a Toddler…

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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disappointment

From Wikipedia:

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest.

This definition describes every couple of minutes in a toddler’s life.  They don’t get what they want and they don’t like that.

But it is also a great teaching tool because as adults, we are well aware of disappointment too.   Unfortunately, it is a difficult concept to teach because toddlers are so young and they don’t quite get the concept.

So they cry.

And often we give in because we want to spare them the disappointment.  It can be as simple as they want their grilled cheese cut up.  You cut it up and “NOO!  I wanted it cut up this WAY!”  or “NOO! I wanted to cut it myself!!”  and honestly, you don’t care how it’s cut up so you take their grilled cheese and give them yours to try again.   They are happy and no more fussing.

But they didn’t get the opportunity to learn about disappointment in a very non-threatening way.  Instead of giving in, you can offer empathy.  You can say, “I’m sorry that it didn’t get cut how you wanted it.”  And then you can offer choices, “You don’t have to eat it that way if you don’t want to.”   They may even negotiate and try and take your sandwich but unfortunately, that’s not one of the options.  

It is healthy for a child to experience and learn about disappointment.   It is key part of development.

It is part of the balance of control between the parent and the child.  When the child has all of the control, they may not get disappointed, but they won’t benefit from having all the power. 

When a parent sets a limit, the child will undoubtedly be disappointed, but that is OK.  You can empathize and help the child learn about emotions as part of the process.  

Allow your child the opportunity to be disappointed today!

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25Sep

Second guessing ourselves as parents

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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second guessing

There are so many ways to parent out there- attachment parenting, cry-it-out, organic versus non-organic, that it can make your head spin.  Not one of these ways is the absolute best or worst way to parent (although you may hear differently from fanatics).   

But one thing that any parent can avoid is second guessing their decision.  It is not good for children to have their parents backtrack after a decision is made.

I often hear, “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!”  Those words themselves tell me exactly what the problem is.  If you are trying everything, then you aren’t sticking with one thing until you see a change in behavior.  Consistency is what helps a child through a tough time because it builds stability.  

One issue that most parents deal with is helping their child sleep through the night.  Again, there are as many philosophies as there are book deals available, and no one philosophy is correct.  They all have good parts and bad parts.  But once you choose the philosophy, stick with it.  When your child is crying at 3 am, remember the words of your chosen philosopher and don’t go back on your decision.  It will be hard because if you chose a form of cry-it-out and you start to doubt yourself in the middle of the night, then you are just prolonging the process and confusing your child.  If you choose a form of co-sleeping and after a week decide that you can’t have them in the bed any longer, then you are just dragging it out.  

Same thing with disciplining.  There are many ways to discipline.  Choose one with your husband, and then stick with it.  Your children will thank you. 

I’ve been in situations where either me or my husband makes a disciplining decision off the cuff and we both immediately regret it.  But we look at each other and with a split second decision of solidarity, and we carry on through the bad parenting decision.

Why? Because it is important for the children to see us working as team (even with questionable parenting decisions) and it is important to be consistent.  Children feel safer with consistency and you build trust by following through with what you say you are going to do.

 

 

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3Sep

How to Tell Your Child “No” and be a Positive Parent

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Brother Twins

Saying “no” to our children is a hard thing to do, because the child doesn’t want to hear it and a tantrum will result later.  

Tantrums have built themselves a bad reputation, and I have spoken earlier about avoiding tantrums; but they can be a learning opportunity.  A child who never tantrums, never learns.

A child needs to learn what is ok and what is not ok.  So they are constantly seeking that threshold.  Is it ok to throw a ball?  Is it ok to throw my clothes?  Is it ok to throw the cat?  Unfortunately, they don’t know until they try and see our reaction.

At some point, they are going to reach the limit of what is ok, and at that point we have to say “no” and then stick with it.  

Imagine this situation; a young child gets a hold of something they shouldn’t have (bag of candy, scissors, a fragile vase) and the parent tells them that they can’t have that.  The child screams, and the parent relents and says, “ok, but only if you….”.  What should have happened is the parent should have said, “Sorry, but the answer is “no”.  You can’t have that.”  The child will scream for a moment, but the parent can also help the child with breathing, calming down, distraction, etc.

Consistency is key in raising children.  Children want to find the limit and the only way to find that line is to test it.  They want their parents to be consistent in saying “no”.  They actually thrive for that.  You have seen it before.  Your child throws a toy (fork, rock, etc.) and you remind them that “it is not safe and not to do it again.”  They do it one more time to test that limit.  You remind them that if they do it again, then the toy will be removed or the child will be removed from the situation.  Inevitably, the child does it again.  Why?  Because they need to know that you are serious about that limit.  They need to hear you say “no”. 

Now saying “no” has also gotten a bad reputation because a lot of parents don’t want a ton of negativity in their young child’s life.  I completely agree with that.  It is wonderful to teach limits to your child without saying “no”.   But here’s the key- you have to be consistent.  So if your words are “Remember, you need to be gentle with your bother”. Then when your child isn’t gentle, you need to say, “I’m sorry that you weren’t able to be gentle, let’s try again another time.”  For some parents, it will be easier to be consistent by saying “no”.   

As long as the child is able to learn limits, both styles are great.

What happens when a parent doesn’t do this and often gives in to their young child’s desires?  The child becomes a teenager and later an adult who has to have anything they want.  They won’t hear someone say “no” in very delicate situations (alcohol, drugs, sex) and they will have more difficulty in making positive choices.

It seems hard to take these steps with a young child, but it is so much easier when the question is candy and fragile vases versus drugs and alcohol at a later date.

If you need help implementing these ideas, contact me today!

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27Aug

Parenting is no longer intuitive

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Healthy Eating Parental Support Positive Parenting
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intuitive

Parenting was intuitive many many years ago.  In fact, the word parenting didn’t exist because it wasn’t a “thing”; it just happened.  People didn’t have discussions about parenting or whether what they were doing was right or wrong.  They just did.

Nowadays, parenting is no longer intuitive, although many people will argue against that.  But times have changed and what came naturally when our grandparents were growing up doesn’t exist now.  Parents have a different job now with the way our world is changing.

  • Is managing your child’s screen time intuitive? no.
  • Is deciding what school your child is going to go to or if you should home-school or un-school intuitive? no
  • Is dealing with temper tantrums at the library story time intuitive? no
  • Is loving your child intuitive? YES (thank goodness!)

Parenting was intuitive when things had to get done.  So if you are growing up on a farm and the cows have to be milked, and the hay has to be harvested, and the eggs have to be collected, then your communication with your children is intuitive.  They help out, end of story.

If your family was traveling across the country in a covered wagon to find work, then children had to help and be part of the working equation.  End of story.

I’m not at all nostalgic for that time because I could not imagine for the life of me traveling across the country in a wagon with young children.  But people did it because they had to.

What we deal with today is cleaning up our toys after play time, taking a bath, eating a nice meal even though we just had one a couple of hours ago, getting to music class on time.  None of these things have to happen for the sake of survival.   This is where parenting loses its intuitiveness.

This is where parents struggle everyday.  This is where coaching helps because this is where parents are getting “stuck”.

In order to bring back some of the intuitiveness to parenting, the first step is to realize what is essential and what isn’t.  A great example of this is feeding children.  A lot of parents feel that a child must eat three balanced meals a day to be healthy.  But young children often don’t want to eat.  Their teeth may be hurting, they may not be growing that much for a short period, they may not feel well.  Parenting becomes intuitive when you know that they will not wither away if they decide not to eat.  They will eat when they are hungry.

The times have changed and by accepting that things are different now and that parenting isn’t intuitive,  you are actually giving yourself a break.  You may not know how to deal with this.  It is ok that your stomach gives a little flutter and you feel nervous that you may be in over your head.  You are just acknowledging that this journey is big and that parenting isn’t what it used to be.

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14Jul

Take care of yourself, others and environment

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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Brotherly love

If you break it down, there are really only three rules for living:

*Take care of yourself

*Take care of others

*Take care of your environment (the things around you)

Any transgression can fall into one of these three rules. 

Your child is grabbing the cat’s tail? No- because we take care of others.  

Your child is throwing a toy? No- because we take care of our things. 

Your child refuses to brush their teeth? No- because we take care of ourselves.  

These work for adults too and as I remind my children, it is a good self reminder to treat myself with respect, to be good to my husband and children, and to be good to my world by remembering my reusable bags. 

It is a consistent and gentle way to remind children about behavior without nagging.  You can also reinforce this by noticing ways that the family is following those rules.  An easy one is “Mom is working right now to help take care of the family”.  But other ones that are equally as effective are “Dad is making breakfast and taking such good care of us!” or “Thanks for feeding the dog, that is taking good care of Rover” or “We don’t eat food in the living room because we want to take good care of our house.”  

It honestly doesn’t get old like other more trite behavior modifiers and I really appreciate it when my husband gushes “Mama takes such good care of all of us!” 

 

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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26Jun

Simplify your life: teach problem solving skills!

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting Siblings
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Problem solving

Bed time not working? Problem solve!  Leaving the house takes forever?  Problem solve!  Kids want the same toy? Problem solve!  You don’t have enough snack? Problem solve!

Problem solving is an essential skill for life so how young can a child learn this skill and how in the world do we teach it?  

Amazingly enough, researchers say that children as young as 18 months can learn how to solve problems.  Imagine what this would do for you; fewer fights with siblings and parents, more independence, higher self-esteem, more self-reliance, and the list goes on and on not to mention higher thinking skills for school.

So we know all the benefits of having problem solving skills, but how do we teach it? 

First and foremost, it takes patience.  If you solve the problem then it is much much quicker, but if you step back and just ask questions, it may take a lot longer, but the child builds the skills for solving their own problems.

For children who are very young (under two) you can start teaching it by looking for something that is lost.  “Where is it?” can be heard over and over again in houses with very young children. It would take just seconds for you to find their missing shoe, favorite toy or family pet, but it wouldn’t teach any skills.  If you have the patience to take ten minutes to find that shoe (I promise you, the people who are waiting for you won’t care, and if they do, tell them you were teaching your child problem solving skills).  

As the child gets older, bigger problems will arise such as taking turns with toys, not getting their way, boredom, disagreements with friends and the list goes on…

Problem solving skills are also essential for dealing with problems that are affecting the whole family such as bedtime or getting out of the house in the morning.

The steps for solving problems are as follows:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. What are some solutions?
  3. What solution did we choose?
  4. Did that solution work?

Let’s start with what is the problem?

The first step in problem solving is always naming the problem.  Once children can name the problem, they stop worrying about blame or past grievances and can move towards solving what is wrong.

When there is a conflict, our first reaction is to jump in and start yelling.  But if we stop and either say, “uh oh” (for younger kiddos)  or “What is the problem?” (for older kiddos)  Then we are asking our children to start thinking about what is happening.

I’m gonna go out on limb here and say that with children under the age of five, 99.97% of problems are around both children wanting the same thing.  So that makes this part easy.  You say, “Uh oh, you both want the red car” or “What is the problem?” and if they aren’t sure, “Did both of you want the swing with the blue seat?” 

Once the problem is named, what are some solutions?

Chances are, the children are too young or don’t have exposure to problem solving skills so for a good while, you will have to narrate and give them the language to problem solve. 

So you can start with, “I have an idea (or I have a solution); we can put the red car away so that nobody will fuss over it” (I always give the worst solution first so that children don’t automatically jump on it and then they have to think.  It shows them that there is always more than one idea and often it is the one that we go with if we can’t find agreement.)

Then you can ask for other ideas and again if they are younger or not sure, offer ideas. “Or we can let child A have the car for a couple of minutes and then child B can have the car.”  When child B fusses, switch the order.  Now we have gone through three possible solutions and still no one is happy.  This is where it gets fun.  This is where you can get really creative and eventually teach your children to do the same.  Say, “OK, here’s another idea, we could paint another car red and then you both have red cars.  Or we could make another red car out of paper and then we would have two. OR (and it’s fun to see how crazy you can get) we could saw the red car in half and you can each have half!” (make sure it is something you can really do (or at least try) in case they choose that option.)

Then you have to pick one solution.  If there is no agreement, then the parent can choose one, and the parent usually chooses the least desirable option.

Then implement and later you can ask the children, did that solution work?

Since each problem is different, each solution will be different as well and this is where you and your child can get very creative.  Again, it takes so much longer to have a child solve a problem and usually the solution is not one that you would choose, but it is one of the most important skills they can learn.

You can then use these steps to solve any problem that comes up in your family. 

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4Jun

How to deal with the dreaded temper tantrums

Posted by: Suzy Burger Categories: Behavior Positive Parenting
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Boulder parent consulting

Temper tantrums can be a parent’s nightmare as well as an essential learning opportunity for toddlers.

Erik Erikson wrote about the different developmental stages that we go through in life.  He said that for children 1 1/2 to 3 years of age, they are in the “Autonomy versus Shame or Doubt” stage.

So, each child is learning about autonomy or “I can do it myself” or “I am an individual” during this stage.  Unfortunately, with that autonomy also comes a lack of communication.  Few two years olds can discuss exactly what they want to do with a situation.

So the caregiver has two things that they need to do with young children to help with temper tantrums;

1) Interpret what the child is trying to accomplish and

2) Give the child some autonomy through choices.

If neither of those things happen, the child falls into the other part of the stage that Erikson set forth which is shame or doubt.  The child is trying to assert themselves as a capable individual, and if they fail, not only do they feel frustration, but there are residual effects of “I’m not good enough” and “I can’t do it”.

This is why temper tantrums are so important.  Helping children at this stage can literally help children through the rest of the childhood stage, into teenager stage and  then long into adulthood.

Let’s look at the first concept:

1) Interpret what the child is trying to accomplish

With toddlers at this age, communication doesn’t come easily.  Pair that with their desire to do everything themselves and you have a recipe for disaster  temper tantrums.  So you can ask them what they are trying to do, and see if you can get any response that is interpretable, or you can use some clues to try and figure it out for yourself.  Is your child trying to pack up their favorite toy to bring it with them and they can’t unzip a zipper?  Is your child trying to wash their hands by themselves and they are trying to get closer to the sink?   When your young toddler is doing something very strange (that you may not want them to do) first try to interpret what the child is trying to accomplish.

2) Give the child some autonomy through choices

Children at this age can do so so much.  But they can’t do everything.  That’s where the importance of choices comes into play.

For example, it is time to leave to go (to the doctor, to childcare, to grandma’s house) and your child starts to get fussy.  They will be more willing participants if they are actual participants.  If you tell them what they are going to do, they lose their sense of autonomy that is so important to them at this age.  So you can start by giving them a choice where everyone wins.  Tell them that it’s time to go and then:

*”Do you want to wear your red shoes or your black shoes?”

*”Do you want to put on your jacket by yourself or do you want me to help you?”

*”Do you want to bring your book with your or your teddy bear?”

With all of these choices, the child is able to become an individual, they are able to have control over a part of their life.  But none of these choices is “Do you want to go or stay home?” because that is when parents lose control and temper tantrums can surface again.

Unfortunately, so many temper tantrums happen in public.  Children have an innate sense of the power they hold.  But the good thing is that, once children get some control over their lives, they will have less of a need to fight for it.  But when you do experience the public temper tantrum, the best thing is to leave the space.  Everyone will be able to problem solve more easily when there isn’t an audience.

Then once you are away from the public eye (usually outside) you can go back to square one; decipher what the child is trying to accomplish and then help the child to find a solution.

Keeping these two points in mind (interpret what they are trying to accomplish, and giving them choices) will help your toddler with the dreaded temper tantrums.

This article is © Copyright – All rights reserved http://boulderchildwhisperer.com

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